Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for America's first family. The Obamas finally got their puppy. Apparently, it took a long time because Obama had to find a dog that's paid all its back taxes.
David Letterman
They had a big Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. And the kids, as usual, were great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out looking for bin Laden, that's what they ought to do.
And today, they had the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. They always have it on Monday after Easter. But this year, because of the economy, they almost had to cancel the Easter egg roll. At the last minute, though, the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China.
I'm glad you folks are here. We had a tough crowd last night. In fact, right in the middle of the show, I had to be rescued by Navy Seals.
Anybody been to the New York Auto Show this week? I'll tell you, I'm worried about the American automobile industry. Are you a little worried about the auto industry? Even the cars, the American cars, when you see them at the automobile show there on the turntable, they are only getting eight miles to the gallon.
How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did.
And the mayor of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, is going to outlaw cab drivers talking on cell phones. And are you like me? Do you hate it when you are in a taxicab and the driver is twittering the Taliban? Awful.
I heard this coming out here a few minutes ago. Apparently, Rush Limbaugh's dog said it hopes that Obama's dog fails.
But the good news is we have a new White House dog, a Portuguese water dog named Bo. So welcome to the White House, Bo. Actually, Bo has only been there a couple of days, but he is already very busy. Earlier today, Bo hosted a luncheon for former White House dogs.
Jay Leno
You know, it's interesting, I tell you. We were off last week. And I have to admit when I first heard that a pirate in Africa had grabbed someone hostage, I thought, 'Boy, Madonna is really committed to that adoption.'
And speaking of naval heroes, we have one on the show here tonight. Senator John McCain. Let me tell you something, McCain knows a thing or two about battling pirates, because, as a young man, he led the crew that sank the famous pirate Blackbeard's ship.
It's a great day for America's first family. The Obamas finally got their puppy. Apparently, it took a long time because Obama had to find a dog that's paid all its back taxes.
David Letterman
They had a big Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. And the kids, as usual, were great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out looking for bin Laden, that's what they ought to do.
And today, they had the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. They always have it on Monday after Easter. But this year, because of the economy, they almost had to cancel the Easter egg roll. At the last minute, though, the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China.
I'm glad you folks are here. We had a tough crowd last night. In fact, right in the middle of the show, I had to be rescued by Navy Seals.
Anybody been to the New York Auto Show this week? I'll tell you, I'm worried about the American automobile industry. Are you a little worried about the auto industry? Even the cars, the American cars, when you see them at the automobile show there on the turntable, they are only getting eight miles to the gallon.
How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did.
And the mayor of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, is going to outlaw cab drivers talking on cell phones. And are you like me? Do you hate it when you are in a taxicab and the driver is twittering the Taliban? Awful.
I heard this coming out here a few minutes ago. Apparently, Rush Limbaugh's dog said it hopes that Obama's dog fails.
But the good news is we have a new White House dog, a Portuguese water dog named Bo. So welcome to the White House, Bo. Actually, Bo has only been there a couple of days, but he is already very busy. Earlier today, Bo hosted a luncheon for former White House dogs.
Jay Leno
You know, it's interesting, I tell you. We were off last week. And I have to admit when I first heard that a pirate in Africa had grabbed someone hostage, I thought, 'Boy, Madonna is really committed to that adoption.'
And speaking of naval heroes, we have one on the show here tonight. Senator John McCain. Let me tell you something, McCain knows a thing or two about battling pirates, because, as a young man, he led the crew that sank the famous pirate Blackbeard's ship.
Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally 'in hundreds of years.' Well, if you don't count AIG, of course.
Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden.
Of course, the big story is that the Obamas got their new puppy! How about that, huh? On Fox News, they declared that the dog is a Muslim socialist.
This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000.
Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars.
And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'
Scientists from the University of Padova, in Italy, announced this week that baby chicks have the ability to do basic arithmetic and can add basic numbers together. You know, it's bad enough our public school kids can't compete with kids in China and Japan. Now we're losing to poultry in Italy? This is bad.
A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party.
President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents.
And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'
And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this.
In Arlington, Virginia, the Environmental Protection Agency is holding something called the National Bed Bug Summit. Health officials are going to offer advice on how to combat the growing problem of bed bugs. And it's being held in Arlington's Crystal City Sheraton Hotel. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, okay? When a Sheraton hotel is thrilled to be hosting the bed bug summit. 'Hey, be sure to come back in June for the big head lice symposium.'
Jimmy Fallon
I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that.
General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them.
Jimmy Kimmel
This pirates stuff is unbelievable, but the Obama administration is getting high marks for the way they handled the rescue situation this weekend, or the military did. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed that on top of everything else our new president would have to deal with pirates? What's next? A dragon?
Jon Stewart
This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago, that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. The tea party is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?
Seth Meyers
President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'
Stephen Colbert
The number one threat: President Obama. Now folks, we all know how he greeted Saudi King Abdullah. [on screen: reports of Obama bowing, 'something no other President has done]. Exactly! The president cannot debase himself and our country by bowing in front of the Saudi King. You hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and reorient our entire foreign policy of the last 20 years around securing his oil deposits [on screen: photos of George W. Bush with Abdullah]. As for you, King Abdullah: looking good, keep that gas under two bucks a gallon and you can turn the Lincoln Memorial into a camel stall.
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