"Ooh, the big story, earlier today -- I can't wait to see the ratings on this -- Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on 'Oprah.' And this weekend, John Edwards will discuss his marriage on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards' mistress is mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair. Never happen." --Jay Leno
"President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate -- Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly." --Jay Leno
"Here is something that's causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he 'wants some pot in every pot.'" --Jay Leno
"Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal." --Jay Leno
"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno
"General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. But once they get through bankruptcy they hope to go back making cars that nobody wants. So that will be nice." --David Letterman
"Six billion dollar loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good looking bonus." --David Letterman
"Everybody is excited about the economy getting better and you kind of feel it everywhere you go. People have a smile on their face and a spring in their step. Here's how you know the economy is actually starting to turn around a little bit. I saw Donald trump earlier today, and that thing on his head was wagging." --David Letterman
"In Tennessee, lawmakers are planning to build a statue of Al Gore on the grounds of the state capitol. They say that the new statue will look just like Al Gore, except a little more lifelike." --Jimmy Fallon
"You all have a happy Mother's Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, 'Of all the women I have children with, I'm going to spend today with you.'" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse, New York, where he said his dog is smarter than President Obama's dog. Actually, the dog is smarter than Biden, because it at least knows when not to speak." --Jay Leno
“And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, pro baseball player Manny Ramirez got some good news over the weekend. It seems he has taken so many female hormones, he can now legally celebrate Mother's Day." --Jay Leno
"You know what they had over the weekend down there in Washington, D.C.? They had the White House Correspondents' Dinner. President Obama was unbelievably funny, so NBC has offered him the 10 p.m. slot." --David Letterman
"How about Major League Baseball's Manny Ramirez, huh? Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug. But the good news is, he's apparently expecting twins." --David Letterman
"The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control. Yeah. If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me." --Jimmy Fallon
"Did you see the president and the vice president go out to lunch at that greasy spoon? Apparently, these guys got hungry -- I think they were stoned -- they jumped in their limos, they drove to Virginia, picking up Harold and Kumar along the way. I love Joe Biden, but he is a little gaffe-prone, because he went up to the counter and said, a burger for me, and fried chicken for my friend here." --Bill Maher
"I am starting to really worry about the Republican Party. I mean, last week they lost Arlen Specter. You know who they lost this week? Joe the plumber. Joe the plumber is quitting the Republican Party. This is like the Grateful Dead losing stoners." --Bill Maher
"It looks like a catfight is breaking out among the Republican Party's younger members, both of them, because Bristol Palin is on an abstinence tour, promoting abstinence. What a good person to do that. And she says abstinence is the only thing that works." --Bill Maher
"You did hear about John Edwards, didn't you? Yes, Elizabeth Edwards was on 'Oprah' this week to let the world know the pain of being married to that lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, John Edwards. She said for years, she believed his vision of two Americas, until she found out he was getting laid in one of them." --Bill Maher
"This week at the White House, during the Cinco de Mayo celebration, President Obama honored the Mexican people by speaking Spanish. And then Vice President Joe Biden honored the Mexican people by not speaking at all." --Jay Leno
"The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn't that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them." --Jimmy Fallon
"Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
"But in all fairness, Sarah Palin says she's not writing the book by herself. She has hired a guy to help. Joe the Ghostwriter is helping her. Joe the Ghostwriter, that's right." --David Letterman
"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson
"Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend. And already they're embroiled in their own scandal. Seems topless photos of the newly crowned Miss Saudi Arabia surfaced today. You could see her entire forehead." --Jay Leno
"Oh, the FDA now scolding General Mills for claiming that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10%. They say that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The FDA also said there is no evidence that Lucky Charms are magically delicious." --Jay Leno
"I'm very excited about this. John McCain's 97-year-old mom is on the show tonight. Here's the amazing part. She is 97, and somehow John is actually five years older than she is." --Jay Leno
"I don't know how that works. In fact, John is so old, she is back to cutting up his meat into little pieces again." --Jay Leno
"Drug officials are saying that because of the bad economy, the international cocaine market is suffering. It's not just affecting cocaine. It's trickling down. Today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry." --Jimmy Fallon
"Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno
"John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno
"Actually, Elizabeth's book 'Resilience' hit the stands today. But John Edwards also has a new book out. It is called 'Cheating for Dummies.'" --Jay Leno
"The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn't that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking, isn't it? 'Hey, nobody's buying our product. Let's raise the price.'" --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman
And last but not the least, if you still haven't seen Obama's speech at White House Correspondents' Dinner, here it is. I thought it was funnier than most late night monologues.
"Actually, The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards' mistress is mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair. Never happen." --Jay Leno
"President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate -- Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly." --Jay Leno
"Here is something that's causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he 'wants some pot in every pot.'" --Jay Leno
"Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal." --Jay Leno
"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno
"General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. But once they get through bankruptcy they hope to go back making cars that nobody wants. So that will be nice." --David Letterman
"Six billion dollar loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good looking bonus." --David Letterman
"Everybody is excited about the economy getting better and you kind of feel it everywhere you go. People have a smile on their face and a spring in their step. Here's how you know the economy is actually starting to turn around a little bit. I saw Donald trump earlier today, and that thing on his head was wagging." --David Letterman
"In Tennessee, lawmakers are planning to build a statue of Al Gore on the grounds of the state capitol. They say that the new statue will look just like Al Gore, except a little more lifelike." --Jimmy Fallon
"You all have a happy Mother's Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, 'Of all the women I have children with, I'm going to spend today with you.'" --Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse, New York, where he said his dog is smarter than President Obama's dog. Actually, the dog is smarter than Biden, because it at least knows when not to speak." --Jay Leno
“And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, pro baseball player Manny Ramirez got some good news over the weekend. It seems he has taken so many female hormones, he can now legally celebrate Mother's Day." --Jay Leno
"You know what they had over the weekend down there in Washington, D.C.? They had the White House Correspondents' Dinner. President Obama was unbelievably funny, so NBC has offered him the 10 p.m. slot." --David Letterman
"How about Major League Baseball's Manny Ramirez, huh? Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug. But the good news is, he's apparently expecting twins." --David Letterman
"The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control. Yeah. If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me." --Jimmy Fallon
"Did you see the president and the vice president go out to lunch at that greasy spoon? Apparently, these guys got hungry -- I think they were stoned -- they jumped in their limos, they drove to Virginia, picking up Harold and Kumar along the way. I love Joe Biden, but he is a little gaffe-prone, because he went up to the counter and said, a burger for me, and fried chicken for my friend here." --Bill Maher
"I am starting to really worry about the Republican Party. I mean, last week they lost Arlen Specter. You know who they lost this week? Joe the plumber. Joe the plumber is quitting the Republican Party. This is like the Grateful Dead losing stoners." --Bill Maher
"It looks like a catfight is breaking out among the Republican Party's younger members, both of them, because Bristol Palin is on an abstinence tour, promoting abstinence. What a good person to do that. And she says abstinence is the only thing that works." --Bill Maher
"You did hear about John Edwards, didn't you? Yes, Elizabeth Edwards was on 'Oprah' this week to let the world know the pain of being married to that lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, John Edwards. She said for years, she believed his vision of two Americas, until she found out he was getting laid in one of them." --Bill Maher
"This week at the White House, during the Cinco de Mayo celebration, President Obama honored the Mexican people by speaking Spanish. And then Vice President Joe Biden honored the Mexican people by not speaking at all." --Jay Leno
"The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn't that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them." --Jimmy Fallon
"Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
"But in all fairness, Sarah Palin says she's not writing the book by herself. She has hired a guy to help. Joe the Ghostwriter is helping her. Joe the Ghostwriter, that's right." --David Letterman
"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson
"Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend. And already they're embroiled in their own scandal. Seems topless photos of the newly crowned Miss Saudi Arabia surfaced today. You could see her entire forehead." --Jay Leno
"Oh, the FDA now scolding General Mills for claiming that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10%. They say that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The FDA also said there is no evidence that Lucky Charms are magically delicious." --Jay Leno
"I'm very excited about this. John McCain's 97-year-old mom is on the show tonight. Here's the amazing part. She is 97, and somehow John is actually five years older than she is." --Jay Leno
"I don't know how that works. In fact, John is so old, she is back to cutting up his meat into little pieces again." --Jay Leno
"Drug officials are saying that because of the bad economy, the international cocaine market is suffering. It's not just affecting cocaine. It's trickling down. Today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry." --Jimmy Fallon
"Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno
"John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno
"Actually, Elizabeth's book 'Resilience' hit the stands today. But John Edwards also has a new book out. It is called 'Cheating for Dummies.'" --Jay Leno
"The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn't that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking, isn't it? 'Hey, nobody's buying our product. Let's raise the price.'" --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman
And last but not the least, if you still haven't seen Obama's speech at White House Correspondents' Dinner, here it is. I thought it was funnier than most late night monologues.
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