"Ladies and gentlemen, there's good news for the environment. They're cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots." --David Letterman
"Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now." --Jay Leno
"Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He's been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks." --Jay Leno
"This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney's secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President's house. Is that really a secret, huh? You're in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh." --Jay Leno
"Nancy Pelosi now saying the CIA misled her. Misled. Doesn't that sound like the name of some beauty contestant in China? 'Please welcome Mis Led, ladies and gentlemen.' Huh, think I got a week and a half left? Huh?" --Jay Leno
"No, actually, Nancy Pelosi said she heard stories of inmates being injected with a deadly toxin that paralyzes the nerves in your face. No, that's her Botox. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so confused." --Jay Leno
"General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM's new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama." --Jay Leno
"And at his commencement speech at Notre Dame, President Obama said we should be doing everything we can to prevent unplanned pregnancies, to which John Edwards said, 'Tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno
"And California is going broke. Governor Schwarzenegger may have to sell some of the landmarks like the Coliseum and San Quentin, which is bad news if you're a Raider fan. You're losing two homes, the Coliseum and prison." --Jay Leno
"This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called 'living within their means' -- a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life." --Jay Leno
"On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One." --Jimmy Fallon
"Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican." --Jimmy Fallon
"I'm speechless, which is more than I can say for Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney will not shut the f**k up. He's all over. He's on Fox News, he's on 'Face the Nation,' he's on every radio show. Today, he was on 'Oprah' complaining John Edwards cheated on him. He's everywhere. Remember the good ol' days when the guy who got tortured did the talking?" --Bill Maher
"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to 'legalize the marijuana.' He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more.'" --David Letterman
"This Sunday, President Obama is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame. Or as Obama calls it, safety school." --Jimmy Fallon
"This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her." --Jimmy Fallon
"Did you guys see Oprah's show today? On Oprah's show today, she gave everyone in her audience a free Chrysler dealership. It was so nice of her. It was under the seat.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone." --Jimmy Fallon
"A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. And I'm telling you, this wouldn't happen if the government would just legalize Ebola. You know? Been saying this for years." --Jimmy Fallon
"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, 'Now, that's torture.'" --Jay Leno
"Does this name ring a bell -- evil Dick Cheney? He's in New York City. He's on another one of his stops on his 'Don't Say I Didn't Warn You Tour.' And he is in New York City. And he has one of those crazy, embarrassing New York City moments. He's driving in a cab. And it turns out the cabdriver is somebody Cheney had waterboarded. It was crazy." --David Letterman
"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon
"Michelle Obama went to the ballet here in New York last night. I heard she saw Hillary Clinton's favorite ballet, 'The Nutcracker.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno
"The economy is bad. Dick Cheney was hanging people by their ankles just to catch the change that fell out of their pockets. That's how bad." --Jay Leno
"Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Bill Clinton, by the way, he's been appointed envoy to Haiti. At least that's what he's telling Hillary." --David Letterman
"I had the most frustrating night the other night. I watched the season finale of '24' with Nancy Pelosi. You know, she couldn't remember the first 23 hours. Didn't remember any of the torture -- none of it!" --Jay Leno
"Hey, President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno
"And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I'll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno
"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno
"And according to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America's official language, 85 percent of the people said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno
"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno
Rumsfeld’s classified memos with Bible Quotes (Steven Colbert)
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://bit.ly/EzPgR
More good stuff on Huffingtonpost:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/21/wednesdays-late-night-rou_n_206377.html
"Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now." --Jay Leno
"Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He's been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks." --Jay Leno
"This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney's secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President's house. Is that really a secret, huh? You're in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh." --Jay Leno
"Nancy Pelosi now saying the CIA misled her. Misled. Doesn't that sound like the name of some beauty contestant in China? 'Please welcome Mis Led, ladies and gentlemen.' Huh, think I got a week and a half left? Huh?" --Jay Leno
"No, actually, Nancy Pelosi said she heard stories of inmates being injected with a deadly toxin that paralyzes the nerves in your face. No, that's her Botox. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so confused." --Jay Leno
"General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM's new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama." --Jay Leno
"And at his commencement speech at Notre Dame, President Obama said we should be doing everything we can to prevent unplanned pregnancies, to which John Edwards said, 'Tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno
"And California is going broke. Governor Schwarzenegger may have to sell some of the landmarks like the Coliseum and San Quentin, which is bad news if you're a Raider fan. You're losing two homes, the Coliseum and prison." --Jay Leno
"This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called 'living within their means' -- a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life." --Jay Leno
"On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One." --Jimmy Fallon
"Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican." --Jimmy Fallon
"I'm speechless, which is more than I can say for Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney will not shut the f**k up. He's all over. He's on Fox News, he's on 'Face the Nation,' he's on every radio show. Today, he was on 'Oprah' complaining John Edwards cheated on him. He's everywhere. Remember the good ol' days when the guy who got tortured did the talking?" --Bill Maher
"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to 'legalize the marijuana.' He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman
"Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more.'" --David Letterman
"This Sunday, President Obama is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame. Or as Obama calls it, safety school." --Jimmy Fallon
"This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her." --Jimmy Fallon
"Did you guys see Oprah's show today? On Oprah's show today, she gave everyone in her audience a free Chrysler dealership. It was so nice of her. It was under the seat.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone." --Jimmy Fallon
"A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. And I'm telling you, this wouldn't happen if the government would just legalize Ebola. You know? Been saying this for years." --Jimmy Fallon
"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, 'Now, that's torture.'" --Jay Leno
"Does this name ring a bell -- evil Dick Cheney? He's in New York City. He's on another one of his stops on his 'Don't Say I Didn't Warn You Tour.' And he is in New York City. And he has one of those crazy, embarrassing New York City moments. He's driving in a cab. And it turns out the cabdriver is somebody Cheney had waterboarded. It was crazy." --David Letterman
"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon
"Michelle Obama went to the ballet here in New York last night. I heard she saw Hillary Clinton's favorite ballet, 'The Nutcracker.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno
"The economy is bad. Dick Cheney was hanging people by their ankles just to catch the change that fell out of their pockets. That's how bad." --Jay Leno
"Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno
"Speaking of Bill Clinton, by the way, he's been appointed envoy to Haiti. At least that's what he's telling Hillary." --David Letterman
"I had the most frustrating night the other night. I watched the season finale of '24' with Nancy Pelosi. You know, she couldn't remember the first 23 hours. Didn't remember any of the torture -- none of it!" --Jay Leno
"Hey, President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership." --Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno
"And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I'll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius." --Jay Leno
"The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno
"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno
"And according to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America's official language, 85 percent of the people said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno
"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno
Rumsfeld’s classified memos with Bible Quotes (Steven Colbert)
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://bit.ly/EzPgR
More good stuff on Huffingtonpost:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/21/wednesdays-late-night-rou_n_206377.html
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