"President Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle, recently went out to dinner at a restaurant. And after dinner, they took a romantic sunset walk around the White House grounds. And I was thinking, well, Bill Clinton used to take romantic strolls, but I think he waited until his wife was out of town." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes." --David Letterman
"In the latest swine flu update, the Mexican government has told its citizens to stay home, to which Lou Dobbs said, 'I've been telling them that for years!'" --Jay Leno
"Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno
"It's crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job." --Jay Leno
"Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that's 24/7. That's very hectic." --Jay Leno
"In fact, just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden." --Jay Leno
"Oh, the economy is in bad shape. The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead." --Jay Leno
"Well, former presidential candidate John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's the latest. The White House says, as of now, it is not contained. It could continue to get worse. And they were just talking about Joe Biden." --Jay Leno
"Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work." --Jay Leno
"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno
"I'm sure you've heard, Senator Arlen Specter has switched to the Democratic party. Yeah, today, Obama told Republicans look, we'll give you Biden and call it even." --Jay Leno
"Finally, some good economic news. They're hiring at the Supreme Court. There's going to be an opening. David Souter is retiring, apparently, after a brief, terrifying conversation with Joe Biden." --Bill Maher
"The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." --Bill Maher
"I'm glad you're all in a good mood, but I'm a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City." --Jay Leno
"During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks." --Jay Leno
"Actually, you don't want to panic, because the CDC says it's all about prevention. For example, they're now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself." --Jay Leno
"According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it's bad for business. And, you know, actually, they're right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu." --Jay Leno
"Senator Arlen Specter, though, has really left the Republican Party, which is like resigning from Chrysler." --David Letterman
"I guess in the world of politics that's very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno." --David Letterman
"Senator Arlen Specter has a new reality show ? 'I'm a Republican Get Me Out of Here!'" --Jay Leno
"Today was President Obama's 100th day in office. Isn't that amazing? Actually, when you think about it, George W. Bush was president for eight years, and he never came close to spending 100 days in the office. So, we're way ahead." --Jay Leno
"There's a new restaurant opening in Chicago called Felony Franks, which gives jobs to convicted felons. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Imagine that, you could get your meal served to you by a former Illinois governor." --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars.
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November.
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 -- writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by.
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno
"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
"Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on 'Oprah.'" --Jay Leno
"John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he's now looking for a third America to hide out in." --Jay Leno
"And as if he doesn't have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question. Why can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama held a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration this week, where he honored the Mexican people and he spoke Spanish. See, that shows you how far we've come as a country. Think about this. Where a half Kenyan/American president with an Arabic middle name can speak Spanish to a bunch of English-speaking reporters whose bankrupt newspapers are now owned by the Chinese. See what I'm saying? That's crazy. What a great country." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy." --Jimmy Fallon
"After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth." --Jimmy Fallon
"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson
"President Obama spoke on the phone this weekend for 20 minutes with Mexican President Calderon on how to cooperate on fighting this swine flu thing. Afterwards, he said the people of America and Mexico have found common ground. I believe it's called Los Angeles." --Jay Leno
"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno
"Well, this flu epidemic thing has become international. Mexico has filed a formal complaint against the country of China for seizing 70 of its citizens and quarantining them. China seized 70 people from Mexico, and Mexico said it was shocked. And, of course, the U.S. was stunned. Seventy? That's more than we've seized all year. Come on!" --Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno
"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno
"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs." --Jay Leno
"[But] it's nice to have someone like President Obama and his wife. Did you know this? They still take time out once a week to have a date night. I used to have a date night but marriage put an end to that." --David Letterman
"And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he's working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English." --David Letterman
"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson
"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon
"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes." --David Letterman
"In the latest swine flu update, the Mexican government has told its citizens to stay home, to which Lou Dobbs said, 'I've been telling them that for years!'" --Jay Leno
"Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno
"It's crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno
"And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job." --Jay Leno
"Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that's 24/7. That's very hectic." --Jay Leno
"In fact, just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden." --Jay Leno
"Oh, the economy is in bad shape. The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead." --Jay Leno
"Well, former presidential candidate John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny." --Jay Leno
"Well, here's the latest. The White House says, as of now, it is not contained. It could continue to get worse. And they were just talking about Joe Biden." --Jay Leno
"Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work." --Jay Leno
"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno
"I'm sure you've heard, Senator Arlen Specter has switched to the Democratic party. Yeah, today, Obama told Republicans look, we'll give you Biden and call it even." --Jay Leno
"Finally, some good economic news. They're hiring at the Supreme Court. There's going to be an opening. David Souter is retiring, apparently, after a brief, terrifying conversation with Joe Biden." --Bill Maher
"The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." --Bill Maher
"I'm glad you're all in a good mood, but I'm a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City." --Jay Leno
"During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks." --Jay Leno
"Actually, you don't want to panic, because the CDC says it's all about prevention. For example, they're now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself." --Jay Leno
"According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it's bad for business. And, you know, actually, they're right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu." --Jay Leno
"Senator Arlen Specter, though, has really left the Republican Party, which is like resigning from Chrysler." --David Letterman
"I guess in the world of politics that's very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno." --David Letterman
"Senator Arlen Specter has a new reality show ? 'I'm a Republican Get Me Out of Here!'" --Jay Leno
"Today was President Obama's 100th day in office. Isn't that amazing? Actually, when you think about it, George W. Bush was president for eight years, and he never came close to spending 100 days in the office. So, we're way ahead." --Jay Leno
"There's a new restaurant opening in Chicago called Felony Franks, which gives jobs to convicted felons. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Imagine that, you could get your meal served to you by a former Illinois governor." --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars.
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November.
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 -- writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by.
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?
"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno
"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman
"Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on 'Oprah.'" --Jay Leno
"John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he's now looking for a third America to hide out in." --Jay Leno
"And as if he doesn't have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question. Why can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama held a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration this week, where he honored the Mexican people and he spoke Spanish. See, that shows you how far we've come as a country. Think about this. Where a half Kenyan/American president with an Arabic middle name can speak Spanish to a bunch of English-speaking reporters whose bankrupt newspapers are now owned by the Chinese. See what I'm saying? That's crazy. What a great country." --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy." --Jimmy Fallon
"After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth." --Jimmy Fallon
"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson
"President Obama spoke on the phone this weekend for 20 minutes with Mexican President Calderon on how to cooperate on fighting this swine flu thing. Afterwards, he said the people of America and Mexico have found common ground. I believe it's called Los Angeles." --Jay Leno
"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno
"Well, this flu epidemic thing has become international. Mexico has filed a formal complaint against the country of China for seizing 70 of its citizens and quarantining them. China seized 70 people from Mexico, and Mexico said it was shocked. And, of course, the U.S. was stunned. Seventy? That's more than we've seized all year. Come on!" --Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno
"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno
"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs." --Jay Leno
"[But] it's nice to have someone like President Obama and his wife. Did you know this? They still take time out once a week to have a date night. I used to have a date night but marriage put an end to that." --David Letterman
"And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he's working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English." --David Letterman
"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson
"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon
"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon
"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel
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