"Tuesday, NBC's news special, 'Inside the Obama White House,' was watched by 9 million people. Historians say it was the most revealing look behind the scenes at the White House since Bill Clinton set up a secret webcam." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday president Barack Obama met the king of Saudi Arabia, who kissed Obama twice. Obama says he hasn't gotten this kind of treatment since he met Keith Olbermann." --Conan O'Brien
"North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il, is in the process of deciding who is going to be his successor and the most likely person is his youngest son, Kim Jong-Un. Yeah. Kim Jong-Un says he's excited but realizes he's got some awfully big women's sunglasses to fill." --Conan O'Brien
"Rush Limbaugh is in the news. Last week, Rush Limbaugh said that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was a racist. But this week, Rush says he may support her. Yeah. Limbaugh says that he can't support Sotomayor until he's 100% sure she's a racist." --Conan O'Brien
"How about that Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il? Oh my gosh, what's the deal on that guy. He's a little squirrelly, right? Am I right? And he's going to step down. He's no longer going to be running North Korea. He's turning power over to his son, Kim Jong W-Il. But that was a big disappointment to his other son, Jeb Il." --David Letterman
"President Obama is in Germany right now, but he was in the Middle East before that. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia met with Obama and gave him a large, shiny medallion on a thick, gold chain. Obama said, 'Thank you, but I think you have me confused with Flavor Flav.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"The IRS says that John Kerry's 2004 presidential campaign owes over $800,000 in back taxes. I guess that explains the long face." --Jimmy Fallon
"[T]he New York Daily News is reporting that some members of the New York Mets may be suffering from swine flu, which is scary because usually, the Mets don't start choking 'til September." --Jimmy Fallon
"I know why you're happy. That speech Black Elvis gave in Cairo. Wow, he is Jimi Hendrix with a Teleprompter, isn't he? He was making good on a campaign promise to reach out to the Muslim world. Let's just hope it works better with Muslims than it did with Republicans." --Bill Maher
"Did you see the speech? It was his longest one ever and a high degree of difficulty you'd have to say. Someone asked Obama before the address, 'How're you going to address this cultural women-oppressing, religious fanatics?' And he said, 'Same as Notre Dame.'" --Bill Maher
"It went well with Muslims around the world. They were very impressed, including Muslim Americans right here at home. One Muslim American said it gave him great hope that some day he could go through airport security without pretending to be Mexican." --Bill Maher
"Republican Sen. Inhofe, he's a douche bag, he said it was un-American. These guys are just jealous that when this President goes to Middle East, nobody throws a shoe at him." --Bill Maher
"Un-American? It was intelligent; it was broad-minded; it was nuanced. Oh he's right. It is un-American." --Bill Maher
"I got something to tell you Mr. Inhofe, Obama's speech was produced right here in the U.S.A and the rest of the world is buying it, which is more than I can say for General Motors." --Bill Maher
"On this day in 1925, the Chrysler Corporation was founded and had it lived, it would be 84 years old today. Founded in 1925 and lucky for you stock is still available at 1925 prices." --David Letterman
"What an honor it is for you to have me here, and what a thrill it is to bring my show to the men and women in the U.S. military in Iraq. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Iraq. The country so nice, we invaded it twice." --Stephen Colbert
"You know, folks, a lesser man would try to pander to you. But I'm not going to do that. Besides, you would never fall for it, because you are the sharpest, coolest, sexiest fighting force in the history of mankind." --Stephen Colbert
"You know, it's my first trip to Iraq. I don't know why I haven't made it here before, but it's hard to explain to the people back home just how hot it is here. Let me put it this way: When Saddam Hussein got to hell, I'm guessing he asked for a blanket." --Stephen Colbert
"But you know, it must be nice here in Iraq, because I understand some of you keep coming back again, and again, and again. ... The good news is, you've earned enough frequent flier miles for a free ticket to Afghanistan." --Stephen Colbert
"This morning, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle at LaGuardia airport. Yeah, if she's confirmed, the first case she'll hear is Sotomayor v. LaGuardia airport." --Conan O'Brien
" Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down the job as secretary of state. Yup. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, that's not the only kind of job she's turned down.'" --Conan O'Brien
"You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska. And she was up there with Rudy Giuliani. They were sitting together. And their seats were, well, let me tell you where their seats were. They were way, way in far right field. They were so far right. Crazy." --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin got there early and she was taken to her seat, shown to her seat, by Joe the Usher." --David Letterman
"But Sarah Palin -- it was exciting, because everybody loves New York City and she spent the entire weekend here in New York City. And late yesterday afternoon, as a matter of fact, she actually pulled out her rifle, and she shot that thing on Donald Trump's head.." --David Letterman
"The newest nominee for the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor, broke her ankle at LaGuardia Airport. Broke it in three places. And listen to this, at least two of those breaks have to be approved by the Senate." --David Letterman
"She broke it right out there at LaGuardia Airport, stumbled on a thing and busted her leg, very painful. But fortunately, Rush Limbaugh's maid was right there at the gate with a little. 'Here, try a little…'" --David Letterman
"And then, Rush said he hopes her ankle doesn't heal." --David Letterman
"Big news in Saudi Arabia. For the first time in 30 years, Saudis are allowed to go to the movies this weekend. It's really good. Yeah. Give it up. There's a few movies to choose from. You can see 'Turban Cowboy,' 'The Taking of Hostages 1,2,3,' 'He's Just Not That Into You Driving,' or Tyler Perry's 'Madea Goes To Jail For Showing Her Ankles.'" --Jimmy Fallon
David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's Trip to New York
10. Visited New York landmarks she normally only sees from Alaska.
9. Laughed at all the crazy-looking foreigners entering the U.N.
8. Made moose jerky on Rachael Ray.
7. Keyed Tina Fey's car.
6. After a wink and a nod, ended up with a kilo of crack.
5. Made coat out of New York City rat pelts.
4. Sat in for Kelly Ripa. Regis couldn't tell the difference.
3. Finally met one of those Jewish people Mel Gibson's always talking about.
2. Bought makeup from Bloomingdale's to update her "slutty flight attendant" look.
1. Especially enjoyed not appearing on Letterman
"Boy, this is a weird story. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is at LaGuardia and she breaks her ankle. This happened, like, two days ago. And in a 5-to-4 ruling, the current justices have voted to send her a get well card." --David Letterman
"Hey, yesterday, Hezbollah was defeated in the Lebanese elections. That's right. Hezbollah was defeated… so now they have no choice but to merge with Fiat." --David Letterman
"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person." --Conan O'Brien
"I am Stephen Colbert, and I am reporting for duty. Folks, right off the top, I want to thank the USO for bringing me and my show to our brave men and women in uniform in Baghdad, Iraq. Thank you so much. I have to say, this place is great. I've always loved the beach, but I hate the ocean, so this is perfect!" --Stephen Colbert
"You know, Saddam's face is still on some of the walls around here. He's carved himself into the murals. And Saddam's initials are still on the ceiling and on the top of the pillars. But now that he's gone, I think we should really figure out something new for S.H. to stand for. Hmm, S.H. What would fit now? S*** happens?" --Stephen Colbert
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the 'Late Show,' a division of Fiat." --David Letterman
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am in so much trouble, because ? I'll tell you why - the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me 'pathetic.' Yup, that's right. Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic - well, since the honeymoon, actually." --David Letterman
"Listen to this - listen to how the power of the world is changing. Ahmadinejad may lose his job, and the Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is stepping down, and before you know it, the only tiny -- because these guys are all petite guys -- the only small control freaks left in the world will be, like, well, Tom Cruise. Is that right?" --David Letterman
"Listen to this. There was a big storm down in the Washington, D.C., area, and it toppled a tree. A giant, ancient tree toppled over. This is how crazy things are. When the tree toppled over, somebody contacted former Vice President Dick Cheney, and he said: 'See, well, there it goes. It proves that President Obama is soft on weather.'" --David Letterman
"But here's what happened. The grounds crew chop it up and then grind it up and use it for mulch. And I was thinking, you know, you can do the same thing with your General Motors stock." --David Letterman
"President Obama's in the news, of course. He's put health care back in the news. Yup. President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that's both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien
"Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new chairman of General Motors. I'm not sure about his business plan. He's giving away free cars on nights and weekends. I think that's a bad idea." --Jimmy Fallon
"In an interview, the new chairman actually said, 'I don't know anything about cars.' I respect that. He's keeping up the GM tradition." --Jimmy Fallon
[Finally, Colbert spent a week in Iraq in what appears to be historic for late night comedian with actual interviews of top generals and an Iraqi Deputy PM in front of the troop, and video appearances of President Obama, VP Biden, John McCain and even Sarah Palin. I didn’t spot Dick Cheney, though. Here are some of the snippets from the program website: ]
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/229766/june-08-2009/the-word---why-are-you-here-
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/229765/june-08-2009/operation-iraqi-stephen---john-mccain
http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/229768/june-08-2009/obama-orders-stephen-s-haircut---ray-odierno
No comments:
Post a Comment