June 19

"Well, it's been a busy week here on the late show. Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin. And I was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset. And I think everything's fine now. I think everything's going to be great because she called today and offered to take me hunting." --David Letterman

"Here's big news from the world of TV. And I don't know if you guys are ready for this or not. If you have an old TV, tomorrow, it won't work unless you digitalize it. You've got to get a converter thing and a lot of people are confused about this. For example, earlier today, John McCain wanted to know after the conversion, will his TV dinner still work." --David Letterman

"You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well this guy, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's running for re-election. Have you seen this guy? This guy looks like the kind of guy that tries to get to you buy a cell phone you don't need. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"He looks like one of those guys that would be wearing a Members Only jacket." --David Letterman

"Fiat, which took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with American, not Italian workers. Fiat says they got the idea from the Olive Garden." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress? When did that happen?" --Jimmy Fallon

"This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don't get too excited. It's mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through." --Jimmy Fallon

"Big science news. A new element will be added to the periodic table. It's the heaviest element in the table. It's called ununbium, which is Latin for 'thigh of Rush Limbaugh.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Welcome to the 'Late Show.' I'm Dave Letterman, goodwill ambassador. I got a call from Mom earlier today and she told me she was siding with the Governor." --David Letterman

"You folks know about Bernie Madoff? Oh, oh, I mean, most hated man in America. Me, Bernie Madoff. It's right there. It's kind of a one, two thing. He was way out in front 'til a couple of days ago. But the New York Times says his wife, Ruth, is the loneliest woman in New York City. Shunned by friends and neighbors. Well, tell me about it. --David Letterman

"How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It's compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn't resist his good looks and charisma." --David Letterman

"But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan." --David Letterman

"But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East." --David Letterman

"And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida." --David Letterman

"President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They're now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he'd be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?" --Conan O'Brien

"In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They're going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, the results from Iran's presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn't work, he's planning on making a documentary about global warming." --Jimmy Fallon

"Television, tonight, has finally gone completely digital in the United States of America ... Analog TV signals are no longer being beamed through the air, and yet monologue jokes will still be flying over Sarah Palin's head." --Bill Maher

"It's a little different over there when they have an election in Iran, because the women, they get to vote over there. Unlike our ally Saudi Arabia. But in Iran, the women get to vote and it's great, because they're already wearing the booth." --Bill Maher

"They released this week four prisoners who were previously held in Guantanamo Bay, and they've been cleared of their charges. And listen to this: they're resettling them in Bermuda and giving them each $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said today they are part of al Qaeda." --Bill Maher

"It's been reported, I think this just came out today, that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it's the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter." --Conan O'Brien

"This is crazy. You probably saw this. Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as, 'Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight's the night of the big television digital switchover. According to some estimates, when the analog signal is cut off and switched to digital tonight, nearly 1 million people could be left without TV service,' which 'means NBC could lose dozens of viewers." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama wrote a note for a fourth grade girl who skipped school so she could attend his town hall meeting. I don't see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes to fourth graders, too. He just called them speeches." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's nice that people hate me who are no longer just part of my immediate family." --David Letterman

"My son, you know, he's telling everybody at school that his father is Conan." --David Letterman

"Senator John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has AM and FM radio." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob." --Conan O'Brien

"Iran has been really cracking down on foreign journalists. So now, they're actually preventing reporters from leaving their hotel rooms. And this, of course, leaves the journalists with nothing to do but order up sexy movies of women wearing slacks." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General motors said, 'It's a perfect fit because we only sell a dozen cars a year.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hi, everyone. I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the show. Before we go any further, I want to just take a minute to apologize for some jokes I'm planning to make about the Palin family tonight. They are in extremely poor taste and I know that I will regret saying them." --Jimmy Kimmel
“The bad economy is affecting the numbers of available jobs. So, many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and G.M.” ----Conan O'Brien

"Glad you people are here. Because yesterday, we had kind of a thing, and think about this — this was a little weird. Right here, we're doing the show, right across the street on Broadway, they had the 'Fire Dave' rally going on. Yeah. I mean, it was a gathering of people who actually hate me. Now, at my house, we call that Thanksgiving." --David Letterman

"And I just want to say a word of thanks to the great CBS television network. They've been wonderful through everything. But yesterday, I thought maybe they were just a little too eager to cash in on this whole thing with the rally. I mean, at the CBS store out on the corner, you know, they were selling highly flammable Dave Letterman effigies." --David Letterman

"But now, Barack Obama says that four of the Guantánamo prisoners are going to Bermuda. Same thing CBS is trying to do with me." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. You're thinking, Bermuda, tough, really? Yes, yes. Let me answer that for you. The prisons in Bermuda are no laughing matter. It's a tough place: no flip-flops in the dining room." --David Letterman

"Here's the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he's got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader." --David Letterman

"It has been reported that Twitter usage ... is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it's hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch." --Conan O'Brien