June 5

"Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy." --Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren't you legally a Republican at this point?" --Jay Leno

“The big story here in California -- the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn't even know gay people had their own union." --Jay Leno
"Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they're opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they're in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings." --Jay Leno

"The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, 'Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm learning a lot about Los Angeles. This is cool. When Los Angeles was founded its original name was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula. That's true. Luckily for us, that name was changed before Arnold Schwarzenegger moved here." --Conan O'Brien

"Talk about a guy who won't go away. How about Osama bin Laden? I mean, come on. Come on with this guy. And there's another one of those aggravating tapes that he sends out from time to time and they put them on the Al Jazeera network. There's a new tape and people say, 'Well, how do we know this is a current tape?' Well I'll tell you how you can tell that this is a current tape. At the end of the tape, he wishes Jay luck on the new 10 p.m. show." --David Letterman

And in the new tape, it's a long, crazy man, lunatic rant condemning President Obama. Oh no, wait a minute, that's Cheney. That was Cheney doing that." --David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's really quite busy here lately. He's talking. He says now that Saddam Hussein, listen to this, think about this, Saddam Hussein, who used to be the guy running the show there in Iraq, said Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Whoa. And to get that information, Cheney admits that he had to waterboard himself." --David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I'm like, what?! He said he might support President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription." --Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden put out a new audiotape today. I'm like, you're a bit behind the times, you know. We don't use the audiotape. Everyone is on Twitter now." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama used the word shukran, the Arabic word for thank you, in response to a compliment from the king today. The compliment, 'I appreciate that you didn't bring Joe Biden.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman

"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in." --Craig Ferguson

"If you heard the news today, you know that the state of California is officially out of money. We have no money — one day without Leno, everything goes to hell around here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Beautiful day here in New York City, am I right? So nice today that General Motors sold a convertible." --David Letterman

"I want to congratulate General Motors' newest CEO, us. General Motors filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it's not all bad. I kind of like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first." --Jimmy Fallon

"So Sotomayor is clearly a Latina woman. What affect will that have on her opposition? [on screen: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asking, 'My question is, does she really understand what America is about?']. Excellent question for the American-born judge." --Jon Stewart

"Now, folks, I've said it before, I am a member of a persecuted minority: white males. Last week, my people were marginalized even more when President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court! There wasn't a single white male on his short list! That sends a terrible message to all the little white boys out there who dream of one day having their judicial reputation destroyed by the media." –Stephen Colbert

"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week. Sonia Sotomayor. Her background? Graduated first in her class at Princeton. Yale Law School, was a prosecutor, a sitting judge for 18 years, or, as conservatives call it, 'unqualified.' --Bill Maher

"Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher

"She's, of course, being attacked by the right wing. A lot of the commentators saying she was wrong to say ... that a wise Latina woman ... with her experiences could be more often counted on to reach a better conclusion on issues than a white male without those experiences. Which prompted white males like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to go out and prove her point." --Bill Maher

"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women." --Bill Maher

"But the best is the guy from the National Review, the bible of conservatives, a guy named Mark Kerkorian -- yeah, like he came over from the Mayflower. That's Armenian, I would guess. He says she's not pronouncing her name right, and that's sort of offensive to the rest of us 'real Americans,' Mr. Kerkorian, and that she ... pronounces 'Sotomayor' [with the] accent on the last syllable. That's not American. She should emphasize the first syllable. That would be a 'natural English pronunciation.' So whenever I refer to this guy, I'm going to, just to annoy him, emphasize the last syllable, and call him a 'doucheBAG.'" --Bill Maher