July 10

There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman

"But a lot of public figures do this. And I've tried to do it. Doesn't work. You blame the media. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today, as a matter of fact, she was up in a helicopter, shooting Wolf Blitzer." --David Letterman

"But I was talking to a lady here in the audience who's from Alaska. And we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? Because she steps down and no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out, the title now is -- Miss Congeniality steps up, I think, -- is now the governor of Alaska. I think so." --David Letterman

"How about that North Korea? Over the weekend, launched seven missiles, and Joe Biden, the Vice President, says that they're just trying to get attention. Well, that should calm things down." --David Letterman

"Mark Sanford described his girlfriend as his 'soulmate.' And I thought, well, if there is one thing that beautiful women love, it's a fiscal conservative, am I right?" --David Letterman

"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"But he's over there. He's talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed -- now, this is surprising -- they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes." --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Out of nowhere. It's crazy. She resigned. Yeah, Republicans aren't sure who is going to fill her role in the party. But they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"In her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, even her children thought she was in over her head." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of political sex scandals, there's a rumor that former presidential candidate John Edwards made a sex tape with his mistress. It's true. Yeah, sources say the tape starts off with 45 minutes of John Edwards running his fingers through his own hair." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the very big news, you can't avoid it, Sarah Palin's quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down." --Craig Ferguson

"Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain says he's been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he's been Twittering on his garage door opener." --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman

"A lot of entertainers are getting in to politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska." --David Letterman

"Kim Jong Il today made rare public appearance. Here's what happened. He saw the shadow of his hair, went back in his hole." --David Letterman

"But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn't look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read 'Kim Jong Il Ill.'" --David Letterman

"[But] friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman

"Here's something wacky. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- and this guy has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives -- well his first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden. It's a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family camel." --David Letterman

"But the book is going to be huge. It's being published by Random Cave." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations on your new senator, Al Franken, finally sworn in as Senator of Minnesota. Sworn in today, down in Washington. A lovely ceremony, officiated by the Church Lady." --David Letterman

"They swear him in today. Listen to this. He has to race right back to Minnesota to begin his re-election campaign. It's crazy." --David Letterman

"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow's new economic school. That's right. The title of his speech was 'Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'" --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine
10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"