July 24

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher

"President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his health care plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan, half-Kansan presidents who were born in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say the video game industry has been dramatically hurt by the economic downturn. Which explains the popularity of the new Nintendo game, 'Wii Job Interview.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Forty years ago, Apollo 11 left for the moon. ... The whole thing was delayed. Do you remember the delay? They had to go through Newark." --David Letterman

"President Obama, he's the kind of guy with a lot of foresight, a lot of vision. He says that he would like to put another man on the moon. He's thinking about maybe Joe Biden." --David Letterman

"In the end Sotomayor coasted through the hearings by proving she had a great respect for judicial precedent. The judicial precedent being that Supreme Court nominees do their best during a hearing to say nothing." --Jon Stewart

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I'm not sure he's sincere, though, because it starts out, 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here's the weird part about those power plants. They're going to outsource all the jobs to Americans." --Jimmy Fallon

"The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is stepping down from office. Will no longer be the governor of Alaska on Sunday. So right about now, Sarah Palin should be taking her grizzly bear head off the wall and packing it in bubble wrap." --David Letterman

"She's leaving office because she wants to spend more time riding in a helicopter shooting wildlife." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well, it's in the stall with the yellow balloons." --David Letterman

"Looks like Paula Abdul may not be going back to 'American Idol.' And that means President Obama has to nominate another new judge." --David Letterman

"It was that fateful day in July that we planted the Stars and Stripes in the lunar surface, officially claiming the moon as America's space Puerto Rico. It was all ours. It was the culmination of a dream. ... It took us ten years, astronauts' lives, billions of dollars, and all we did is hit a f***ing golf ball? ... I can't help but think, if only there'd been Moon Indians. By now, we'd probably have hourly shuttles to the moon casinos that we had to give them as an apology for the terrible Earthpox epidemic of 1973." --Jon Stewart

"Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vag***." --Jon Stewart

"Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to 'trust god in his larger work of changing me.' I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you're not banging a hot Argentinean woman. You're 'undergoing a religious metamorphosis.' And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I'm in!" --Jon Stewart

"President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign slogan, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

"I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Obama extended Dick Cheney - you remember Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick 'Ka-Boom' Cheney, you remember him? He extended his Secret Service protection for another six months. Hey, I'll tell you who needs protection, Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman

"Here's how bad the economy is. Now people can't afford to be buried in a cemetery so they're being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?" --David Letterman

"On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy, 'Reverse Psychology.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Good News for California. This just came out. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget shortfall. Schwarzenegger says it won't be pretty, but times like this call for a sequel to 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget deficit. It's giant. Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China." --Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Anybody in China yesterday? The solar eclipse lasted almost 7 minutes and China was plunged right into the darkness right into the middle of the - wait a minute, that's their pollution." --David Letterman

"But interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from Alaska? Sarah Palin, some bad news for Sarah Palin - there's another report now that she may have violated Alaska's ethics laws. Like I'm going to say something about that." --David Letterman

"We're learning more and more about Obama's healthcare plan, and if it passes, the healthcare plan, if that passes, President Obama will have the governor of South Carolina neutered. Did you realize that?" --David Letterman

"But the governor of South Carolina, Governor Sanford has lately been seen not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he didn't lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then he'll never find it." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Economists say the recession getting so bad, it's driving down the prices of many goods. In fact, folks, it has gotten so bad, the 99-cent store just changed its name to 'You know what? Just take it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions...Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?" --Craig Ferguson

"Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration." --Jimmy Fallon

"To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside." --Conan O'Brien