"President Obama had a private, 35-minute meeting at the Vatican with Pope Benedict. That's right, folks, the man considered by many followers to be infallible had a meeting with Pope Benedict." --Conan O'Brien
"Good news for GM today. They emerged from bankruptcy and the newly appointed CEO said that the company will now build cars that Americans want. After hearing this, GM employees said, 'You can tell this guy's new around here.'" --Conan O'Brien
"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, 'Are you gonna finish that?'" --David Letterman
"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week in Moscow, President Obama and President Medvedev agreed to cut the United States and Russia's nuclear stockpiles by a third. They also agreed to cut Medvedev's name by a 'ev.' It's going to be Medved." --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin no longer governor of Alaska, and it looks now, like she may get her own television program, you know. And I was thinking I don't know, she seems pretty camera shy." --David Letterman
"Now how about this guy? That Osama bin Laden, what a guy. And turns out now his first wife -- and he had, like, 30 or 40 wives -- well, his first wife has written a book about being married to a bin Laden. And she says that she suspected the marriage was in trouble when he told her he was going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman
"Hot today in New York City. So hot today that Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference." --David Letterman
"So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA And he goes to the CIA -- and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret -- and he goes to the CIA, and he says, 'Boys, this will just be between you and me. We're going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don't tell Congress.' Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'" --David Letterman
"President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman
"Today, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor got under way. And, of course, people have opinions on both sides. Critics of Judge Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. But this morning, she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay t-shirt and carrying a yoga mat." --Conan O'Brien
"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama has another nominee in the news. That's right. President Obama's nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you." --Conan O'Brien
"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien
"As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation
"Yeah, I guess you could stay in your job and overcome the distractions and difficulties that have come from your national candidacy, but that's what dead quitty fish would do. And you're no dead quitty fish! You are leaving the water, and living on land, like smart fish! You're quitting." --Jon Stewart
"Take it from a guy who's quit a lot of jobs. You're quitting. I've done the whole 'dead fish' thing myself. 'Hey, f*** this bakery! I'm no dead fish! I'm outta here.'" --Jon Stewart
"More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because they really need a strong lefty off the bench." --Conan O'Brien
"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman
"Now here is the thing. ... if it weren't for Dick Cheney and his secret assassination squad, Osama bin Laden would be alive today." --David Letterman
"I guess everyone is following Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court confirmation hearing. Did you hear what happened yesterday? Her twin nephews fell asleep during the hearings. But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing. What are you supposed to do? Root for it? Start the wave?" --Jimmy Fallon
"Sarah Palin's friends say they are worried about her because she looks frail and her hair is thinning. It's all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain." --Jimmy Fallon
For her part, Sonia Sotomayor sat perfectly still as senator after senator after senator talked over her, at her, and down to her. Never, ever moving. In fact, at one point, she sat so still her body's screensaver came on." --Jon Stewart
"Everybody knows Sotomayor will get confirmed. Even the GOP can't take her on, because she is the first Hispanic nominated to the Supreme Court, and they don't want to offend Latino voters. That's why they no longer talk about the 'border fence.' It's now called the 'welcome wall.'" --Stephen Colbert
"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it 'Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.'" --Conan O'Brien
"How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad." --David Letterman
"This weekend is the 10th anniversary of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.' President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden." --Craig Ferguson
[Finally, this blast from the past Saturday Night Live at its best. This is when the confirmation hearing of Clarence Thomas was taking place. Ironically, Al Franken was acting as a Senator in the hearing. As you may have noticed, he was there in the recent Sotomayer hearing—as an actual Senator.
Caution: This is late night SNL, no graphics but plenty of ...er... interesting language—so use headphones as needed.]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/16/frankens-first-time-aroun_n_236141.html
"Good news for GM today. They emerged from bankruptcy and the newly appointed CEO said that the company will now build cars that Americans want. After hearing this, GM employees said, 'You can tell this guy's new around here.'" --Conan O'Brien
"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, 'Are you gonna finish that?'" --David Letterman
"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien
"Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?'" --Conan O'Brien
"This week in Moscow, President Obama and President Medvedev agreed to cut the United States and Russia's nuclear stockpiles by a third. They also agreed to cut Medvedev's name by a 'ev.' It's going to be Medved." --Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin no longer governor of Alaska, and it looks now, like she may get her own television program, you know. And I was thinking I don't know, she seems pretty camera shy." --David Letterman
"Now how about this guy? That Osama bin Laden, what a guy. And turns out now his first wife -- and he had, like, 30 or 40 wives -- well, his first wife has written a book about being married to a bin Laden. And she says that she suspected the marriage was in trouble when he told her he was going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman
"Hot today in New York City. So hot today that Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference." --David Letterman
"So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA And he goes to the CIA -- and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret -- and he goes to the CIA, and he says, 'Boys, this will just be between you and me. We're going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don't tell Congress.' Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'" --David Letterman
"President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman
"Today, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor got under way. And, of course, people have opinions on both sides. Critics of Judge Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. But this morning, she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay t-shirt and carrying a yoga mat." --Conan O'Brien
"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama has another nominee in the news. That's right. President Obama's nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you." --Conan O'Brien
"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien
"As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation
"Yeah, I guess you could stay in your job and overcome the distractions and difficulties that have come from your national candidacy, but that's what dead quitty fish would do. And you're no dead quitty fish! You are leaving the water, and living on land, like smart fish! You're quitting." --Jon Stewart
"Take it from a guy who's quit a lot of jobs. You're quitting. I've done the whole 'dead fish' thing myself. 'Hey, f*** this bakery! I'm no dead fish! I'm outta here.'" --Jon Stewart
"More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because they really need a strong lefty off the bench." --Conan O'Brien
"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman
"Now here is the thing. ... if it weren't for Dick Cheney and his secret assassination squad, Osama bin Laden would be alive today." --David Letterman
"I guess everyone is following Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court confirmation hearing. Did you hear what happened yesterday? Her twin nephews fell asleep during the hearings. But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing. What are you supposed to do? Root for it? Start the wave?" --Jimmy Fallon
"Sarah Palin's friends say they are worried about her because she looks frail and her hair is thinning. It's all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain." --Jimmy Fallon
For her part, Sonia Sotomayor sat perfectly still as senator after senator after senator talked over her, at her, and down to her. Never, ever moving. In fact, at one point, she sat so still her body's screensaver came on." --Jon Stewart
"Everybody knows Sotomayor will get confirmed. Even the GOP can't take her on, because she is the first Hispanic nominated to the Supreme Court, and they don't want to offend Latino voters. That's why they no longer talk about the 'border fence.' It's now called the 'welcome wall.'" --Stephen Colbert
"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it 'Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.'" --Conan O'Brien
"How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad." --David Letterman
"This weekend is the 10th anniversary of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.' President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden." --Craig Ferguson
[Finally, this blast from the past Saturday Night Live at its best. This is when the confirmation hearing of Clarence Thomas was taking place. Ironically, Al Franken was acting as a Senator in the hearing. As you may have noticed, he was there in the recent Sotomayer hearing—as an actual Senator.
Caution: This is late night SNL, no graphics but plenty of ...er... interesting language—so use headphones as needed.]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/16/frankens-first-time-aroun_n_236141.html
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