August 28

"Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about health care, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?" --David Letterman

"But have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." --David Letterman

"People are always saying to me, 'Well, Dave, are you worried?' No, I'm not worried about health care, and I'll tell you why. Because I'm with CBS. ... They have a tremendous health care plan. And here's what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a 'CSI' show as a corpse." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It's a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called, 'Too Fat to Waterboard.'" --David Letterman

"I didn't know this, but according to the book, there was a time when President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney weren't speaking. They got into a fight and they weren't speaking. It really got so bad that earlier today, President Obama invited them both to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"And Cheney said that President Bush, there was a point during the second term, that he stopped listening to the vice president. George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, 'Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn't as dumb as we thought.'" --David Letterman

"Polls now are showing that people are actually believing the right-wing corporate-inspired myths about health care, and that's why this is going down the tubes. Forty-five percent of the people in this country believe that the government will now get to decide to pull the plug on grandma. Fifty-five percent think that the health care overhaul will give coverage to illegal immigrants. And the same number think Obama is an illegal immigrant. Fifty-five percent think it will cover abortions." --Bill Maher

"And then there's the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can't you tell these people that they won't believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama's health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he's done, instead of giving him a balloon, he's going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes." --Bill Maher

"And apparently, it's now no longer enough to be screaming as they've been doing at the town hall meetings. They're now bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth." --Bill Maher

"Ladies and gentlemen, before I came out here, I got some early results from the Afghanistanian election. And this just in, apparently Al Franken is ahead." --David Letterman

"The current Afghan president, Hamid Karzai, is opposed by the Taliban. You know the Taliban? Over here, the Taliban, we call them healthcare protestors." --David Letterman

"You think campaigning is difficult here in the United States. You try campaigning in Afghanistan. You ever try to put a bumper sticker on a camel? I mean, come on." --David Letterman

"How about this Brett Favre guy? He retires, then un-retires, then he retires, then he un-retires, then he retires and un-retires, then he retires again and un-retires. Now he's playing for the Minnesota Vikings. And it's not easy. I'm not saying he's old, but he's getting older. Before playing, he had to pass a rigorous physical and also a death panel." --David Letterman

"But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of America. We take any situation, make it something good. You know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul's, the fish sticks people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they've come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature." --David Letterman

"Meteorologists are now saying Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression. They say Bill officially hit the depression stage after a surprise run-in with Hurricane Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far." --Conan O'Brien

"Miss Venezuela is our new Miss Universe, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful. She came out dressed as a barrel of overpriced oil." --David Letterman

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate." --David Letterman

"Anybody take advantage of the government's 'cash for clunkers' program? I was able to unload a couple of shows from last week." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs President Obama Needs A Vacation
10. Last week's radio address was ten minutes of snoring.
9. Switched from beer summits to tequila summits.
8. Asked CIA director what we're doing about terrorist organization "Al-Pacino."
7. Staffers often find him on White House roof meowing like a kitty.
6. Announced he's sending an elite military unit to kill Hitler.
5. Lately, he's been fist-bumping staffers in the face.
4. Asked for the number of Rush Limbaugh's OxyContin guy.
3. Called Bush for advice on sneaking naps during intelligence briefings.
2. Been babbling nonsense about government death panels -- wait, that's a sign Sarah Palin needs a vacation.
1. Barely has the energy to smoke

"You folks have been following, probably, the elections in Afghanistan. You know what's going on over there? Hamid Karzai and those boys running an election over there and there's now charges of election irregularities. I didn't see that coming." --David Letterman

"One of the candidates, Abdullah Abdullah, has dropped out of the running, and they think now his dumb son is thinking about running, Abdullah W. Abdullah." --David Letterman

"Apparently, they say there was cheating, voter intimidation, miscounted votes, and one of the candidates may have been sleeping with Paula Abdul." --David Letterman

"This is weird. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il recently met with the C.E.O. of Hyundai. Apparently, the story is Hyundai wants to build cars in North Korea while Kim wants to use their windshields as
sunglasses." --Conan O'Brien

"[O]n Martha's Vineyard, they're serving a new drink inspired by Obama. It's an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn't look so bad." --David Letterman

"This is not the first time a president has inspired a cocktail. We have the Obamarita. And remember George W. Bush? He inspired the Mojidiot." --David Letterman

"The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha's Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California's deficit by auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed. So check out the auction if you're looking to buy real estate, construction equipment, or the Los Angeles Clippers." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan. And President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah. Apparently, his campaign slogan is, 'The Abdullah so nice, they named him twice.'" --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors has announced it's going to be removing its GM 'Mark of Excellence' logo from all GM cars. Of course, the GM Mark of Excellence logo doesn't usually have to be removed because after 50 miles, it just falls off." --Conan O'Brien

August 21

"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon

"Cheney also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said: 'I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel." --David Letterman

"The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that." --David Letterman

"I am ecstatic. We are close to defeating President Obama's evil plan to keep people healthy. The president is so desperate that he resorted to publishing an op-ed called 'Why We Need Health Care Reform' in yesterday's New York Times. Textbook sign of surrender. ... Of course the president blamed our problems on the health insurance industry, but where is the balance? Why won't the Times print the insurance companies editorials, like this one I got today. Dear Mr. Colbert, we regret to inform you that we cannot cover your hip surgery due to your pre-existing wrist injury." --Stephen Colbert

“President Obama was in Montana today. That's right. He met with residents, he held a town meeting and then he went fly-fishing. It's true. Montana residents came from miles around for the once in a lifetime chance to see a black guy fly-fishing." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A paternity test revealed John Edwards is in fact the biological father of his mistress' child. Yep, experts say they could tell it was Edwards' DNA cause it kept grooming itself in the microscope." --Conan O'Brien

"Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn't for these death panels before, but I'm starting to come around." --Bill Maher

"Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don't know how we didn't see that coming." --Bill Maher

"During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn't like Barack Obama, it was something...now they know, he's for death panels. That's what it was, death panels." --Bill Maher

"And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day." --Bill Maher

"In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening." --Bill Maher

"It does seem to be a tad ironic that she's so against killing old people because she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"Apparently Dick Cheney, is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt…When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bulls**t." --Bill Maher

Jon Stewart, answering the question Barney Frank posed to the crazy woman at the town hall asking "on what planet do you spend most of your time?": "Well, apparently, a planet where a mixed-race president and a gay Jew qualify as Nazis."

"How about this? Brett Favre is coming out of retirement and joining the Minnesota Vikings. He's getting $12 million from Minnesota. Talk about cash for clunkers." --David Letterman

"Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night's show." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can't even get them together in the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"I didn't think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme tried to assassinate President General Ford. She's been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren't many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women, unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska." --David Letterman

"Now, here is a statistic that, I don't know if it means anything -- it's got to mean something -- 90% of all paper currency -- money, you know -- has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money." --David Letterman

"Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy." --David Letterman

"On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again." --David Letterman

"Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil." --David Letterman

"And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show." --David Letterman

Clip of the week:
Daily Show, Town Hall Snaps
http://tinyurl.com/mwfl2n

August 14

"Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, 'Yet another job gone south of the border.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest polls show that President Obama's approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama's new Secret Service code name, 'NBC.'" --Conan O'Brien

"North Korea, it turns out, they were offered a meeting with Al Gore in exchange for the two American journalists, but Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with Bill Clinton instead. Al Gore said, 'I have no hard feelings at all,' and then he gained 70 pounds and grew a beard." --Jimmy Fallon

"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien

"I can't believe he said this -- on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh recently said, 'Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, ruled by dictate.' Yeah. So folks, it took a while, but Obama has finally won over Rush Limbaugh." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen what's going on with these town halls? I don't want to say they're out of control. But they're starting to show them on ESPN. I haven't seen old white people this upset since they canceled 'Murder, She Wrote.'" --Bill Maher

"No, I'm serious, they are giving angry mobs a bad name. ... And these people, I'm sorry, they are not the best-informed group of screaming people I've seen in my life. Exit polls show that half these people think they're bidding on a tractor." --Bill Maher

"I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord." -Bill Maher

"Today was his 200th day in office. Barack Obama has been -- wow, he made it. And he said he still loves the job as much as ever. And he loves it so much, he's thinking about finally doing it and becoming an American citizen." -Bill Maher

"Despite losing 200,000 jobs in July, the unemployment rate dropped from 9.5% to 9.4%. I think that means a lot of people got hired to work at the unemployment office." --Jimmy Fallon

"But that small drop's not enough for Obama. To get that number down even further, he's promised to find Paula Abdul a job." --Jimmy Fallon
"Earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from 'All rise' to 'Hey, I'm judging over here!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico, for his first North American Leaders Summit. Very exciting. After that, he's expected to hold his first Imodium AD Summit." --Jimmy Fallon

"During his weekly radio address, Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report that just came out, NASA doesn't have enough money to track all the giant asteroids that could crash into Earth. NASA says we shouldn't worry though because they've given the job to Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck." --Conan O'Brien
"A company in Michigan is trying to make Americans healthier by sending out ice cream trucks stocked only with fruits and vegetables. It's not going so well, because all the trucks have been turned over and burned by angry, fat kids." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting." --Jimmy Fallon

August 7

"They had the big beer summit earlier tonight at the White House. President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he's been on the cover of Black President Magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week -- this is weird, I just found out about this -- Shaquille O'Neal stopped by the White House unannounced to see President Obama, but a Secret Service agent turned him away. That really happened. The agent told Shaq to make an appointment and to someday make a free throw." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin announced she's leaving as governor of Alaska and everybody said 'Well, what is she going to do?' She wants to host a radio show, like a daily talk show. And of course, with that, she's going to have to tell people when she's winking." --David Letterman

"Pardon me if I slur a little tonight. I have been at the White House, doing beer bongs with the President." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Biden showed up too. I did not know he was going to be a part of it. I guess they wanted to even things out racially." --Jimmy Kimmel

Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Beer Summit
10. "Don't worry, Biden will clean up the empties"
9. "Guys stop me if I try to drunk dial Nancy Pelosi"
8. "Smoking, drinking. Suddenly our president is Artie Lange"
7. "Let's call Limbaugh and take this party to the next level"
6. "I feel dizzy and confused — just like Bush! Hi-yoo!"
5. "I don't want to freak anybody out, but I just saw Nixon walking down the hall"
4. "Tell Geithner to put his shirt on"
3. "Sen. Larry Craig asked if he could have his beer brought to the men's room"
2. "You guys wanna see where Clinton used to get freaky?"
1. "Excuse me while I take a presidential leak"

"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien

"'The Washington Post is doing a big story on the 2008 John McCain campaign. And it now says after all this research that he picked Sarah Palin because of a 'high risk/high reward strategy.' Apparently, it's the same reason McCain uses Metamucil." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama just announced he's considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, there was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn't true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn't bail." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack." --Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." --Jimmy Fallon

"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher

"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien

"What a crowd last night. Phew! Couldn't really blame them. The show was awful. It did not go well. Show last night did not go well. Afterwards, I get a call from President Obama, and he said I acted 'stupidly.'" --David Letterman

"Everything's OK now. President Obama has invited myself and Sarah Palin down to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House today said that President Obama will not call Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to congratulate him on his re-election. Even worse for Ahmadinejad, Joe Biden will call." --Conan O'Brien

"Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And today -- I don't know if you saw this -- he was photographed on horseback without his shirt. The photograph won't appear in the newspaper, but it will appear on the cover of Danielle Steele's new novel 'Iron Fist, Velvet Heart.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." --Craig Ferguson

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee…Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms." --Jimmy Kimmel