August 14

"Earlier today, Sonia Sotomayor was confirmed as the U.S. Supreme Court's first Hispanic justice. Or, as Lou Dobbs reported it, 'Yet another job gone south of the border.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The latest polls show that President Obama's approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama's new Secret Service code name, 'NBC.'" --Conan O'Brien

"North Korea, it turns out, they were offered a meeting with Al Gore in exchange for the two American journalists, but Kim Jong Il wanted to meet with Bill Clinton instead. Al Gore said, 'I have no hard feelings at all,' and then he gained 70 pounds and grew a beard." --Jimmy Fallon

"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is a weird story. Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien

"I can't believe he said this -- on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh recently said, 'Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, ruled by dictate.' Yeah. So folks, it took a while, but Obama has finally won over Rush Limbaugh." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen what's going on with these town halls? I don't want to say they're out of control. But they're starting to show them on ESPN. I haven't seen old white people this upset since they canceled 'Murder, She Wrote.'" --Bill Maher

"No, I'm serious, they are giving angry mobs a bad name. ... And these people, I'm sorry, they are not the best-informed group of screaming people I've seen in my life. Exit polls show that half these people think they're bidding on a tractor." --Bill Maher

"I saw a thing on YouTube, a town hall meeting in Little Rock, Arkansas. And a woman from Brockside, Arkansas, stood up. She was weeping about the threat of socialism. You know what, lady, Brockside, Arkansas, doesn't have capitalism yet. Your idea of health care is leeches and moonshine and you're worried about socialism? Oh, Lord." -Bill Maher

"Today was his 200th day in office. Barack Obama has been -- wow, he made it. And he said he still loves the job as much as ever. And he loves it so much, he's thinking about finally doing it and becoming an American citizen." -Bill Maher

"Despite losing 200,000 jobs in July, the unemployment rate dropped from 9.5% to 9.4%. I think that means a lot of people got hired to work at the unemployment office." --Jimmy Fallon

"But that small drop's not enough for Obama. To get that number down even further, he's promised to find Paula Abdul a job." --Jimmy Fallon
"Earlier today, President Obama met with the Mexican president, Felipe Calderon, and they discussed the immigration problem. They met at the Mexican president's home, which, by the way, is now in Los Angeles." --Conan O'Brien

"Now that Sonia Sotomayor has joined the Supreme Court, one third of the justices are now from New York City. This explains why the customary opening of a court session has changed from 'All rise' to 'Hey, I'm judging over here!'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is in Guadalajara, Mexico, for his first North American Leaders Summit. Very exciting. After that, he's expected to hold his first Imodium AD Summit." --Jimmy Fallon

"During his weekly radio address, Obama said we've finally begun to put the brakes on this recession, which is good news. Unfortunately, the brakes were built by General Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

"Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new report that just came out, NASA doesn't have enough money to track all the giant asteroids that could crash into Earth. NASA says we shouldn't worry though because they've given the job to Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck." --Conan O'Brien
"A company in Michigan is trying to make Americans healthier by sending out ice cream trucks stocked only with fruits and vegetables. It's not going so well, because all the trucks have been turned over and burned by angry, fat kids." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the past week, congressmen have been holding town hall meetings across the country. They've been disrupted by angry protesters who are against Obama's new healthcare plan. And things could have gotten violent, but nobody could afford to get hurt. So, it was very peaceful protesting." --Jimmy Fallon