"Dick Cheney is back in the news. He's talking about his memoirs. Cheney said that George George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of their Administration. And in Bush's defense, I think it's pretty natural to lose trust in a guy who shoots his friends in the face." --Jimmy Fallon
"Cheney also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said: 'I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel." --David Letterman
"The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that." --David Letterman
"I am ecstatic. We are close to defeating President Obama's evil plan to keep people healthy. The president is so desperate that he resorted to publishing an op-ed called 'Why We Need Health Care Reform' in yesterday's New York Times. Textbook sign of surrender. ... Of course the president blamed our problems on the health insurance industry, but where is the balance? Why won't the Times print the insurance companies editorials, like this one I got today. Dear Mr. Colbert, we regret to inform you that we cannot cover your hip surgery due to your pre-existing wrist injury." --Stephen Colbert
“President Obama was in Montana today. That's right. He met with residents, he held a town meeting and then he went fly-fishing. It's true. Montana residents came from miles around for the once in a lifetime chance to see a black guy fly-fishing." --Conan O'Brien
"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A paternity test revealed John Edwards is in fact the biological father of his mistress' child. Yep, experts say they could tell it was Edwards' DNA cause it kept grooming itself in the microscope." --Conan O'Brien
"Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn't for these death panels before, but I'm starting to come around." --Bill Maher
"Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don't know how we didn't see that coming." --Bill Maher
"During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn't like Barack Obama, it was something...now they know, he's for death panels. That's what it was, death panels." --Bill Maher
"And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day." --Bill Maher
"In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening." --Bill Maher
"It does seem to be a tad ironic that she's so against killing old people because she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher
"Apparently Dick Cheney, is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt…When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bulls**t." --Bill Maher
Jon Stewart, answering the question Barney Frank posed to the crazy woman at the town hall asking "on what planet do you spend most of your time?": "Well, apparently, a planet where a mixed-race president and a gay Jew qualify as Nazis."
"How about this? Brett Favre is coming out of retirement and joining the Minnesota Vikings. He's getting $12 million from Minnesota. Talk about cash for clunkers." --David Letterman
"Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night's show." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can't even get them together in the White House for a beer." --David Letterman
"I didn't think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme tried to assassinate President General Ford. She's been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren't many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women, unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska." --David Letterman
"Now, here is a statistic that, I don't know if it means anything -- it's got to mean something -- 90% of all paper currency -- money, you know -- has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money." --David Letterman
"Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy." --David Letterman
"On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again." --David Letterman
"Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil." --David Letterman
"And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show." --David Letterman
Clip of the week:
Daily Show, Town Hall Snaps
http://tinyurl.com/mwfl2n
"Cheney also explained that the statute of limitations has expired on remaining silent about the Bush administration. Meanwhile, George Bush said: 'I love the statue of limitations. Beautiful lady. Is the torch open? Got to climb in the torch.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel." --David Letterman
"The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that." --David Letterman
"I am ecstatic. We are close to defeating President Obama's evil plan to keep people healthy. The president is so desperate that he resorted to publishing an op-ed called 'Why We Need Health Care Reform' in yesterday's New York Times. Textbook sign of surrender. ... Of course the president blamed our problems on the health insurance industry, but where is the balance? Why won't the Times print the insurance companies editorials, like this one I got today. Dear Mr. Colbert, we regret to inform you that we cannot cover your hip surgery due to your pre-existing wrist injury." --Stephen Colbert
“President Obama was in Montana today. That's right. He met with residents, he held a town meeting and then he went fly-fishing. It's true. Montana residents came from miles around for the once in a lifetime chance to see a black guy fly-fishing." --Conan O'Brien
"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien
"A paternity test revealed John Edwards is in fact the biological father of his mistress' child. Yep, experts say they could tell it was Edwards' DNA cause it kept grooming itself in the microscope." --Conan O'Brien
"Every time I turn on the television this week, all I see is angry mobs of chunky old white people. You know I wasn't for these death panels before, but I'm starting to come around." --Bill Maher
"Who knew that electing a black man with a foreign sounding name would make rural white people insane? I don't know how we didn't see that coming." --Bill Maher
"During the election, these people could not quite put their finger on why they didn't like Barack Obama, it was something...now they know, he's for death panels. That's what it was, death panels." --Bill Maher
"And who put this idea in their heads? Sarah Palin, who has settled in to her job very well, an unemployed right-wing blogger. Apparently Sarah Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to spend more time on Facebook. I'm serious. She's on Facebook every day now. Because this is the proper forum to confront the President of the United States on the most important issue of our day." --Bill Maher
"In her case I can see how pulling the plug on brain-dead people would be threatening." --Bill Maher
"It does seem to be a tad ironic that she's so against killing old people because she's the one who smothered the life out of the McCain campaign." --Bill Maher
"Apparently Dick Cheney, is coming out with a memoir, and he said during the second term, Bush stopped taking his advice. That has got to hurt…When the most gullible man in America stops buying your bulls**t." --Bill Maher
Jon Stewart, answering the question Barney Frank posed to the crazy woman at the town hall asking "on what planet do you spend most of your time?": "Well, apparently, a planet where a mixed-race president and a gay Jew qualify as Nazis."
"How about this? Brett Favre is coming out of retirement and joining the Minnesota Vikings. He's getting $12 million from Minnesota. Talk about cash for clunkers." --David Letterman
"Are you folks familiar with the Cash for Clunkers program? I'm feeling pretty good about this. I think the government owes me some money because we must have had at least a dozen clunkers on last night's show." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, Bill Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama, and then Hillary Clinton had a separate meeting with Barack Obama. I mean, something is going on with the Clintons. Obama can't even get them together in the White House for a beer." --David Letterman
"I didn't think this day would come. Squeaky Fromme tried to assassinate President General Ford. She's been let out of prison. She was paroled. Is she going to get a job? If you think about it, there aren't many jobs for unstable, gun-toting women, unless she wants to run for governor of Alaska." --David Letterman
"Now, here is a statistic that, I don't know if it means anything -- it's got to mean something -- 90% of all paper currency -- money, you know -- has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money." --David Letterman
"Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy." --David Letterman
"On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again." --David Letterman
"Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil." --David Letterman
"And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show." --David Letterman
Clip of the week:
Daily Show, Town Hall Snaps
http://tinyurl.com/mwfl2n
No comments:
Post a Comment