August 28

"Congress has been agonizing over health care for months now. Squabbling, fighting, the town hall meetings going crazy. Meanwhile, while they're arguing about health care, we're stuck in two wars that were rubber-stamped in about 10 minutes. What? How does that make any sense when you think about it?" --David Letterman

"But have you seen these town hall meetings about the health care? People are screaming. And I'll tell you, because if there's one thing Americans hate, it's comprehensive health coverage." --David Letterman

"People are always saying to me, 'Well, Dave, are you worried?' No, I'm not worried about health care, and I'll tell you why. Because I'm with CBS. ... They have a tremendous health care plan. And here's what it is. Simply, when I die, I get to appear on a 'CSI' show as a corpse." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney has a brand new book. It's a memoir about his life and times, and I believe the title of it is called, 'Too Fat to Waterboard.'" --David Letterman

"I didn't know this, but according to the book, there was a time when President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney weren't speaking. They got into a fight and they weren't speaking. It really got so bad that earlier today, President Obama invited them both to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"And Cheney said that President Bush, there was a point during the second term, that he stopped listening to the vice president. George Bush stopped listening to his vice president. And I said to myself, 'Whoa. Well, maybe this guy wasn't as dumb as we thought.'" --David Letterman

"Polls now are showing that people are actually believing the right-wing corporate-inspired myths about health care, and that's why this is going down the tubes. Forty-five percent of the people in this country believe that the government will now get to decide to pull the plug on grandma. Fifty-five percent think that the health care overhaul will give coverage to illegal immigrants. And the same number think Obama is an illegal immigrant. Fifty-five percent think it will cover abortions." --Bill Maher

"And then there's the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can't you tell these people that they won't believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama's health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he's done, instead of giving him a balloon, he's going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes." --Bill Maher

"And apparently, it's now no longer enough to be screaming as they've been doing at the town hall meetings. They're now bringing guns. I would say these people are armed to the teeth, but they have no teeth." --Bill Maher

"Ladies and gentlemen, before I came out here, I got some early results from the Afghanistanian election. And this just in, apparently Al Franken is ahead." --David Letterman

"The current Afghan president, Hamid Karzai, is opposed by the Taliban. You know the Taliban? Over here, the Taliban, we call them healthcare protestors." --David Letterman

"You think campaigning is difficult here in the United States. You try campaigning in Afghanistan. You ever try to put a bumper sticker on a camel? I mean, come on." --David Letterman

"How about this Brett Favre guy? He retires, then un-retires, then he retires, then he un-retires, then he retires and un-retires, then he retires again and un-retires. Now he's playing for the Minnesota Vikings. And it's not easy. I'm not saying he's old, but he's getting older. Before playing, he had to pass a rigorous physical and also a death panel." --David Letterman

"But you know, this is a great thing about the United States of America. We take any situation, make it something good. You know, we are a glass half full country. Mrs. Paul's, the fish sticks people, they heard about the mercury in the fish and they've come out now with a tasty new fish stick which you can also use to take your temperature." --David Letterman

"Meteorologists are now saying Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression. They say Bill officially hit the depression stage after a surprise run-in with Hurricane Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far." --Conan O'Brien

"Miss Venezuela is our new Miss Universe, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful. She came out dressed as a barrel of overpriced oil." --David Letterman

"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate." --David Letterman

"Anybody take advantage of the government's 'cash for clunkers' program? I was able to unload a couple of shows from last week." --David Letterman

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs President Obama Needs A Vacation
10. Last week's radio address was ten minutes of snoring.
9. Switched from beer summits to tequila summits.
8. Asked CIA director what we're doing about terrorist organization "Al-Pacino."
7. Staffers often find him on White House roof meowing like a kitty.
6. Announced he's sending an elite military unit to kill Hitler.
5. Lately, he's been fist-bumping staffers in the face.
4. Asked for the number of Rush Limbaugh's OxyContin guy.
3. Called Bush for advice on sneaking naps during intelligence briefings.
2. Been babbling nonsense about government death panels -- wait, that's a sign Sarah Palin needs a vacation.
1. Barely has the energy to smoke

"You folks have been following, probably, the elections in Afghanistan. You know what's going on over there? Hamid Karzai and those boys running an election over there and there's now charges of election irregularities. I didn't see that coming." --David Letterman

"One of the candidates, Abdullah Abdullah, has dropped out of the running, and they think now his dumb son is thinking about running, Abdullah W. Abdullah." --David Letterman

"Apparently, they say there was cheating, voter intimidation, miscounted votes, and one of the candidates may have been sleeping with Paula Abdul." --David Letterman

"This is weird. North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il recently met with the C.E.O. of Hyundai. Apparently, the story is Hyundai wants to build cars in North Korea while Kim wants to use their windshields as
sunglasses." --Conan O'Brien

"[O]n Martha's Vineyard, they're serving a new drink inspired by Obama. It's an Obamarita. After three Obamaritas, a $9 trillion deficit doesn't look so bad." --David Letterman

"This is not the first time a president has inspired a cocktail. We have the Obamarita. And remember George W. Bush? He inspired the Mojidiot." --David Letterman

"The latest rumor is that President Obama is going to have dinner on Martha's Vineyard with Oprah Winfrey. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. The most powerful person in the free world is going to have dinner with President Obama." --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Schwarzenegger is trying to reduce California's deficit by auctioning off state holdings that he says are no longer needed. So check out the auction if you're looking to buy real estate, construction equipment, or the Los Angeles Clippers." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan. And President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man called Abdullah Abdullah. Apparently, his campaign slogan is, 'The Abdullah so nice, they named him twice.'" --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors has announced it's going to be removing its GM 'Mark of Excellence' logo from all GM cars. Of course, the GM Mark of Excellence logo doesn't usually have to be removed because after 50 miles, it just falls off." --Conan O'Brien