August 7

"They had the big beer summit earlier tonight at the White House. President Obama had a beer with Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him. The meeting got off to a rough start when a neighbor called the police to say Gates was breaking into the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"Conservatives are criticizing Time magazine because they put President Obama on the cover for the 12th time in the last year. Not only that, every week since Obama was elected, he's been on the cover of Black President Magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"This is true, though. This is Obama's 12th appearance on the cover of Time magazine. And this beats President Bush's record of 11 appearances on the cover of Mad magazine." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier this week -- this is weird, I just found out about this -- Shaquille O'Neal stopped by the White House unannounced to see President Obama, but a Secret Service agent turned him away. That really happened. The agent told Shaq to make an appointment and to someday make a free throw." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin announced she's leaving as governor of Alaska and everybody said 'Well, what is she going to do?' She wants to host a radio show, like a daily talk show. And of course, with that, she's going to have to tell people when she's winking." --David Letterman

"Pardon me if I slur a little tonight. I have been at the White House, doing beer bongs with the President." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Biden showed up too. I did not know he was going to be a part of it. I guess they wanted to even things out racially." --Jimmy Kimmel

Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House Beer Summit
10. "Don't worry, Biden will clean up the empties"
9. "Guys stop me if I try to drunk dial Nancy Pelosi"
8. "Smoking, drinking. Suddenly our president is Artie Lange"
7. "Let's call Limbaugh and take this party to the next level"
6. "I feel dizzy and confused — just like Bush! Hi-yoo!"
5. "I don't want to freak anybody out, but I just saw Nixon walking down the hall"
4. "Tell Geithner to put his shirt on"
3. "Sen. Larry Craig asked if he could have his beer brought to the men's room"
2. "You guys wanna see where Clinton used to get freaky?"
1. "Excuse me while I take a presidential leak"

"First they had a beer at the White House. Well, now, Professor Gates and the cop who arrested him are planning to go to a Red Sox game. It's getting to be a bit much. Last night, they went to a piano bar and sang 'Ebony and Ivory.'" --Conan O'Brien

"'The Washington Post is doing a big story on the 2008 John McCain campaign. And it now says after all this research that he picked Sarah Palin because of a 'high risk/high reward strategy.' Apparently, it's the same reason McCain uses Metamucil." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama just announced he's considering transferring prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Michigan. The idea is to scare the prisoners into revealing information about terror plots by showing them a bus ticket to Detroit." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, there was a rumor on the Internet this weekend that Sarah Palin was getting divorced. I knew that wasn't true, because when Sarah Palin takes an oath, she doesn't bail." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, at a concert in Washington, D.C., Paul McCartney dedicated the song 'Michelle' to Michelle Obama. And then, I thought this was sweet, he dedicated the song 'Taxman' to Barack." --Jimmy Fallon

"This weekend, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin took a submarine to the bottom of Lake Baikal, the world's deepest lake. He got to see some rare exotic fish and his past political opponents." --Jimmy Fallon

"Only 42% of Republicans believe Obama was born in the United States. That's an amazing statistic. How come in America, Christians are the ones who won't take anything on faith?" --Bill Maher

"President Obama, Professor Gates, and Officer Crowley had their beer summit. And the big surprise was they were joined by Vice President Biden. That was the surprise, yeah. The highlight of the evening was when Officer Crowley told Biden, 'You have the right to remain silent.'" --Conan O'Brien

"What a crowd last night. Phew! Couldn't really blame them. The show was awful. It did not go well. Show last night did not go well. Afterwards, I get a call from President Obama, and he said I acted 'stupidly.'" --David Letterman

"Everything's OK now. President Obama has invited myself and Sarah Palin down to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"The White House today said that President Obama will not call Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to congratulate him on his re-election. Even worse for Ahmadinejad, Joe Biden will call." --Conan O'Brien

"Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And today -- I don't know if you saw this -- he was photographed on horseback without his shirt. The photograph won't appear in the newspaper, but it will appear on the cover of Danielle Steele's new novel 'Iron Fist, Velvet Heart.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a great day for our former President Bill Clinton. He went to North Korea and negotiated the release of two female journalists. He did it! Clinton agreed to go as soon as he found out the mission was picking up chicks." --Craig Ferguson

"The Pentagon's concerned that Facebook could pose a security risk to U.S. military personnel. Yeah, because apparently, there's no telling what al Qaeda could do if it knows what a soldier's five favorite romantic comedies are." --Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Former President Bill Clinton, under cover of darkness, parachuted into North Korea with a knife in his teeth and a skull on his chest to rescue journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee…Meanwhile, also this morning, Former President Bush rescued two purple stars from his Lucky Charms." --Jimmy Kimmel