September 25

"Democratic Senator Max Baucus introduced his health care plan this week, to make it mandatory to get health insurance and ... you would fine people if you didn't get it. And if you didn't pay the fine, you'd go to jail. But the good news is, once you're in jail, free health care!" --Jay Leno

"It's been a very tense week, especially in Washington. In fact, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi got all choked up yesterday when she talked about how mean-spirited the debate on health care had become. She was so upset, she spent an hour trying to arrange her face into a frown." --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, he says the recession is over. You know, where is that 'You lie!' guy when you need him?" --Jay Leno

"A new Nielsen survey found that Washington, D.C., has the most 25- to 34-year-olds in the country who make over $100,000 a year. Yeah, and they're called hookers." --Jimmy Fallon

"Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down as the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment to run for the Senate in Connecticut. Things are going well for her. She's already raised a ton of campaign money from the folding chair industry. "She's promising to lower taxes, reduce government, and pile-drive the Iron Sheik." --Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the Emmys was the only Sunday television program that President Obama was not on yesterday." --David Letterman

"You know, when you have a big show like this, everybody gets kind of excited about it. And I was talking to my mom today. I said, 'You know, President Obama is on the show tonight.' And she said, 'Well, maybe I'll switch from Conan.'" --David Letterman

"Great to see President Obama again. Haven't seen him since he invited me and Sarah Palin to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"We were never able to get President Bush on the show when he was president. President Bush was always too busy not working so he couldn't come through here.'" --David Letterman

"Speaking of President Bush, did you see him last night at the big football game? It was the Giants and Cowboys down there in Texas. And President Bush did the coin toss at the start of the game. Now here's a bit of trivia. The coin that they used to start the game was the same coin that the Supreme Court tossed that won Bush the election." --David Letterman

"And in my home state of Massachusetts, state Republicans are upset over a new tax hike on dogs. It was slipped into a bill by Democrats at the last minute. Democrats claim, though, they're only going to be taxing dogs that make over $250,000 a year." --Jay Leno

"According to a new study just released, famed Viennese composer Mozart died in 1791 from the strep throat. Really? It took 218 years to reach this diagnosis, huh? You think our health care sucks? Hey, the good news, I just hope this gives the Mozart family some closure." --Jay Leno

"And doctors are still arguing over whether being fat should be classified as a medical disease. You know, I think it should be. It should be. Because this time, or the next time rather, your wife says, 'Do these jeans make me look fat?' you can go, 'Honey, I am not a doctor.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, more problems for Democratic sleazeball John Edwards. The campaign official who claimed he fathered the child of Edwards' mistress is now writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. And to make matters worse, it turns out Acorn already registered the baby to vote." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of former President Bush, according to a new book that's coming out, former President Bush secretly supports gay marriage. Bush said, 'If Bert and Ernie can make it work, anyone can.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, there's a new book coming out about former President Clinton. And it claims that when Boris Yeltsin was visiting, Yeltsin got drunk and was found wandering Pennsylvania Avenue in his underwear looking for pizza. The book also claims that when Clinton wanders around in his underwear, he's not looking for pizza." --Conan O'Brien

"A woman from Alabama won a dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay. It cost $63,000. Palin says she'll take the woman out to a restaurant of her choice and leave after the appetizers." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spitzer." --David Letterman

"That's a lot of money. But you can sit down with Sarah Palin, spend a couple hours; really get to know her. You know, it's the thing John McCain should have done a year ago." --David Letterman

"Last week, Dick Cheney had back surgery. You know Dick Cheney? Dick 'Shotgun' Cheney? You know, it's the complications from carrying Bush for eight years. That's what it was." --David Letterman

"Doctors are optimistic about the surgery. They said Cheney's back surgery was quite risky but not necessary. Risky but not necessary. So it's like the Iraq war." --David Letterman

"…I'm getting kind of worried about President Obama. He hasn't been on a TV show for almost 11 hours. Is everything all right? Is he O.K.?" --Jay Leno

"You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno

"Actually, did you see Obama the last couple of days - he was on six different TV shows pitching his health-care plan. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, the immigrant population in California actually declined last year. When asked if they had noticed, 80 percent of the people in California said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today's a big day. The MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual genius awards. This year's awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." --Conan O'Brien

"Now this was momentous. Yesterday, President Obama brought together Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and undeniably now, it was awkward. And they stood there, and they stared at each other, and finally, after an uncomfortable period of time, they shook hands. It was like my wedding night." --David Letterman

"Muammar Qaddafi was at the U.N. today. He gave a speech that was extremely long. It was rambling and filled with inappropriate comments. As soon as Qaddafi finished, Joe Biden came up and said, 'Teach me, master.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Folks, today former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin gave a speech in China. The topic of her speech was, 'Are you sure you're not Japan?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. His opening line was, 'Some of you may recognize me from my appearances on television.'" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, this terror suspect who was arrested in Colorado that was charged with detailed plans on how to make the bomb - here's my favorite part. The guy said he downloaded the plans to make the bomb off the Internet by mistake. Oh, shut up, that's the porn excuse! Wives don't even buy that! Shut up!" --Jay Leno

"And according to a front page story in the LA Times, the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless, of course, they happen to see the front page of the L.A. Times." --Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin gave a speech today in Hong Kong. She was very tough on President Obama. She attacked President Obama on foreign soil. Well, I'm sure the people that went after the Dixie Chicks will be going after her right now." --Jay Leno

"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland today to reassure senior citizens about health-care reform. The seniors didn't really care what Biden said in the speech, they were just happy to outlive it." --Jimmy Fallon

"I read this in Time magazine. Former presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was 'weak, waffling and wavering.' And then Nader added: 'I do not like him in a house. I do not like him with a mouse.'" --Jimmy Fallon

September 18

"It's the 8th anniversary of 9/11, and Americans today stopped doing whatever they were doing to sit there, reflect, do nothing, say nothing, just like Bush did eight years ago when he got the news." --Bill Maher

"At the world trade center site, Joe Biden observed a moment of silence, showing Americans really can do anything." --Bill Maher

"This is the week that president gave his big health care speech to Congress, making it the second time in the week that he addressed a bunch of children." --Bill Maher

"Mr. President, there are some people who are never going to like you. That's why they voted for the old guy and Carrie's mom. You're not going to win them over. Stand up for the 70% of Americans who aren't crazy." --Bill Maher

"The president keeping busy. Yesterday, at the White House, President Obama welcomed the Stanley Cup champion Pittsburgh Penguins. Yeah, when asked if he likes hockey, Obama said, 'What black man from Hawaii doesn't?'" --Conan O'Brien

"You can have dinner with Sarah Palin. They're auctioning it off. Have you heard of it? And the starting bid are $25,000. And this could be exciting. And they say now, unofficially, that for an extra grand, an extra thousand dollars, she'll actually shoot the main course." -David Letterman

"The winning bidder gets to have dinner with Sarah Palin. ... Dinner with Sarah Palin. I mean, talk about a bridge to nowhere. I mean, my God!" --David Letterman

"Yet another family values Republican has been caught in a sex scandal. I love this story: This time, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall (the guy is married) was caught on tape bragging having sex with two different lobbyists. A politician having sex with two lobbyists. Now, I'm not a mathematician, but I believe that's a total of 3 whores, right?" --Jay Leno

"And while we were off, the government started this program that gives people money for their old cars. I made $5 billion." --Jay Leno

"And according to the Wall Street Journal, Wal-Mart will now pay its workers in the United States electronically. I mean, it'll still be in pesos, but electronic." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released a new audio recording slamming the President, America, Israel and the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Then at the end, when he's really worked up, he yells, 'And Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Of course, you all saw this. This is what I'm talking about. Kayne West at the Video Music Awards. Kayne West interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance speech. And after he did that, after he was done interrupting her, MTV threw him out of the building. So it's official. MTV has a lower tolerance for bad behavior than the United States Congress." --Conan O'Brien

"This Saturday in Washington, over 70,000 people protested because they think President Obama is trying to shove government healthcare down their throats; also known as the 'Serena Williams option.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another new audiotape. See, they're audiotapes. I don't think he quite gets the Twitter thing. He can't — he doesn't have the opposable thumb, I guess." --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. Here's some good terrorist gossip. According to a Sudanese novelist who once lived with Osama bin Laden for four months, Osama bin Laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan which is surprising. I mean, considering the way those people treat women, you'd think he'd be a bigger Bobby Brown fan." --Jay Leno

"They always do this when there's a holiday, whenever people want something. The latest rumor is there may be a pumpkin shortage this year. They say a chilly, damp summer in the Midwest and Northeast has hurt the pumpkin crop. They say large pumpkins are going to be hard to find. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, our pumpkins are getting smaller and thinner, and our trick-or-treaters are getting bigger and fatter." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, former President Jimmy Carter said that Congressman Joe Wilson's outburst during President Obama's speech last week was based on racism. When Joe Wilson heard that, he said, 'I can't get mad at Jimmy Carter. He's white.'" --Jimmy Fallon

'Yesterday, Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said it is 'very likely' that the recession is over. I hope this isn't like when President Bush told us the war in Iraq was over.' –Jimmy Kimmel

"This Kanye West/Taylor Swift thing will not go away. Even former President Bush spoke out about it today. He said, 'Kanye West doesn't care about white people.'" --Jay Leno

"According to some reports coming out of Washington today, President Obama said Kanye West is a 'jackass.' Not since 'yes, we can' has Obama found a slogan so many Americans can get behind." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in New York, President Obama had lunch with former President Clinton. Afterwards, Clinton told Obama, 'Remember, if Hillary asks, we had lunch and dinner, then I slept over at your place.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know, President Obama is pushing so hard for healthcare, he's going to appear on an unprecedented five shows this Sunday. What's strange is, two of them are 'Entourage' and 'Family Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

Sep 11

"In 2012, the Republicans are now talking about the presidential ticket, Dick Cheney and running as vice president Sarah Palin. Talk about your dream ticket. Oh buddy, the comedy recession is over. I mean, come on, talk about your shotgun marriage." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin is making some dough. She's going around the world speaking. She's got a gig over in China. She's very excited because she thinks that China is a red state." --David Letterman

"The healthcare debate is getting crazily intense. Yesterday during a healthcare protest, a fight broke out and a man got his finger bitten off. That's true. No one knows who started, but there's been an awful lot of stub pointing." --Conan O'Brien

"Next Tuesday -- a lot of people talking about this -- President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation's students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama 'Best President Ever.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush has hired a man to lead his presidential think tank in Dallas. The man was hired because he was the only candidate who could say the words, 'George W. Bush think tank' with a straight face." --Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. A new book that is coming out claims that Osama bin laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan. Experts say that helps explain why bin Laden's latest video repeatedly calls for 'death to Bobby Brown.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This is interesting. China has started an educational exchange program that's sending 23 high school students to schools in Detroit. Once in Detroit, the students will exchange cultural ideas, social theories and gunfire." --Conan O'Brien

"Labor day weekend. Remember Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska? She's having a big cookout for all her family, all of her friends up there in Alaska. And people say, 'Is she any good? Can she cook?' Remember last year she cooked John McCain's goose? Remember that? Tremendous!" --David Letterman

“Labor Day is Monday. Labor Day, of course, is the day that we set aside to remember when people used to have jobs." --Jimmy Fallon

"I want to say happy Labor Day weekend. I hope you have a job to be off from on Monday." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Crazy. There are 15 million unemployed people in America and Michael Vick isn't one of them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is asking Americans to drive safely and not consume too much alcohol this Labor Day weekend. Boy, he really is just like Hitler, isn't he?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America's schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn't work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama told them, this is a quote, 'Be careful what you post on Facebook.' That's what he said. Obama then told them about bad things that could happen, like the time he accidentally friended Joe Biden." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama said if he could have dinner with anyone in history -- he was asked this -- he said if he could have dinner with anyone in history he would pick Gandhi. That's right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, very good answer. Yeah. Yeah, Obama says he picked Gandhi because he'd get to eat two entrees." --Conan O'Brien

"Obama told the kids to work hard and listen to their teachers. Ladies and gentlemen, what a load of socialist propaganda. Work hard and listen to your teachers? I don't think so." --David Letterman

"Some Republicans were so mad about Obama's speech to schoolchildren, they had Dick Cheney give a rebuttal. He showed kids the proper way to stuff a geek into a locker." --Craig Ferguson

"Labor Day is the great American holiday where we honor American workers by going out and buying products made in China." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, when President Obama addressed the country's schoolchildren, he told them to stop dreaming about becoming professional athletes. In fact, it was the same exact speech Obama gave last year to the Los Angeles Clippers." --Conan O'Brien

"The University of Wyoming recently announced they are naming an international student center after former Vice President Dick Cheney because if there are two things that make you think welcome foreigners, it's Dick Cheney and Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien

"It was big night on television tonight. And instead of showing President Obama's healthcare speech that was on tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of 'So You Think You Can Dance.' I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing what's wrong with our country and watching what's wrong with our country." --Jimmy Fallon

"Fox aired 'So You Think You Can Dance' and 'Glee.' So, you'll probably spend the next couple of days explaining the healthcare plan to your gay friends." --Jimmy Fallon

"During President Obama's speech, a congressman heckled him. This guy from South Carolina begins to heckle the guy, and I thought, OK, so now Gov. Mark Sanford is the second most embarrassing politician from South Carolina" --David Letterman

"John McCain, here's a guy who's seen it all, he was shocked. He said he hasn't seen anything like this since Aaron Burr heckled Alexander Hamilton." --David Letterman

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, also shocked. At least that's what she said. You can't tell because her face doesn't move." --David Letterman

"During last night's health care speech, President Obama's told Republicans that the time for games has passed. Obama had to say that because most Republicans were on their BlackBerrys playing Brick Breaker." –Conan O'Brien

"Every congressman has a vote, he should use it, but not in the middle of a speech to a joint session of Congress. That's not what you do. It's not the Jerry Springer Show. You can't stand up in the middle of Congress and say 'Oh no you did not!' What the hell is wrong with you? He said his emotions got the better of him. Sometimes I want to have sex with a hooker, but I don't!" --Craig Ferguson

"When Wilson yelled 'you lie' at the president, I don't think he handled it very well. The president should go out and hone his material in some comedy clubs and deal with hecklers. Obama should have said, 'Hey buddy, do I come to your state and knock the wiener out of your governor's mistress?'" --Craig Ferguson

September 4

"The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver." --David Letterman

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China." --David Letterman

"Hey, wait a minute, you know on Sunday, it'll be 16 years that Paul and I and everybody else have been here at CBS on the 'Late Show.' Sixteen years, ladies and gentlemen. I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it, enhanced interrogation technique. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman

"Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien

"Publishers are saying that every time President Obama is seen reading a book on his vacation, sales of that book skyrocket, go through the roof. It's incredible. Yeah. And historians are saying we experienced this before when President Bush was photographed reading 'Everybody Poops.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today and tomorrow, the state of California is having a big garage sale up in Sacramento. Which is probably not a good sign for the economy, when the largest state in the union is holding a garage sale to pay its debts. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, actually signed a lot of the items for sale, I guess to raise their value." --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, a garage sale is fine, but we owe $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system." --David Letterman

"[H]ere's the deal. When are you a president, you can't do anything. People always looking for you to make some kind of trouble for you. Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He's not wearing a helmet. And people are all over him now. And I, well, I hope this guy has got some pretty good health insurance." --David Letterman

"I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards." --David Letterman

"In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica, and Antarctica." --Conan O'Brien

"In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, 'They're going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin announced that she will make her first trip to Asia in September, where she'll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. Palin says she's thrilled because Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite places." --Jimmy Fallon

"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book." --Conan O'Brien

"A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It's a political group known as the Democrats." --Conan O'Brien

"Things are getting tough for President Obama. Every day, he slips a couple of points in the approval. He's now at 45 percent, mainly because of this healthcare thing. You know things are bad. Today, Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option." --Jimmy Fallon

"I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he's already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour." --Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen -- Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again. I'm telling you, the comedy recession is over." --David Letterman

"He's talking about running for governor again, although Eliot says he won't make a decision without consulting his wife. I remember when he used to make quite a few decisions without consulting his wife." --David Letterman

"Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it." --Conan O'Brien

"The Toyota Camry is the number one selling car in the U.S., because of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. I think Obama's getting a little carried away. Now he's letting people trade in old American children for newer Japanese children." --Jimmy Fallon