September 25

"Democratic Senator Max Baucus introduced his health care plan this week, to make it mandatory to get health insurance and ... you would fine people if you didn't get it. And if you didn't pay the fine, you'd go to jail. But the good news is, once you're in jail, free health care!" --Jay Leno

"It's been a very tense week, especially in Washington. In fact, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi got all choked up yesterday when she talked about how mean-spirited the debate on health care had become. She was so upset, she spent an hour trying to arrange her face into a frown." --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, according to Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, he says the recession is over. You know, where is that 'You lie!' guy when you need him?" --Jay Leno

"A new Nielsen survey found that Washington, D.C., has the most 25- to 34-year-olds in the country who make over $100,000 a year. Yeah, and they're called hookers." --Jimmy Fallon

"Vince McMahon's wife, Linda, is stepping down as the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment to run for the Senate in Connecticut. Things are going well for her. She's already raised a ton of campaign money from the folding chair industry. "She's promising to lower taxes, reduce government, and pile-drive the Iron Sheik." --Jimmy Fallon

"By the way, the Emmys was the only Sunday television program that President Obama was not on yesterday." --David Letterman

"You know, when you have a big show like this, everybody gets kind of excited about it. And I was talking to my mom today. I said, 'You know, President Obama is on the show tonight.' And she said, 'Well, maybe I'll switch from Conan.'" --David Letterman

"Great to see President Obama again. Haven't seen him since he invited me and Sarah Palin to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman

"We were never able to get President Bush on the show when he was president. President Bush was always too busy not working so he couldn't come through here.'" --David Letterman

"Speaking of President Bush, did you see him last night at the big football game? It was the Giants and Cowboys down there in Texas. And President Bush did the coin toss at the start of the game. Now here's a bit of trivia. The coin that they used to start the game was the same coin that the Supreme Court tossed that won Bush the election." --David Letterman

"And in my home state of Massachusetts, state Republicans are upset over a new tax hike on dogs. It was slipped into a bill by Democrats at the last minute. Democrats claim, though, they're only going to be taxing dogs that make over $250,000 a year." --Jay Leno

"According to a new study just released, famed Viennese composer Mozart died in 1791 from the strep throat. Really? It took 218 years to reach this diagnosis, huh? You think our health care sucks? Hey, the good news, I just hope this gives the Mozart family some closure." --Jay Leno

"And doctors are still arguing over whether being fat should be classified as a medical disease. You know, I think it should be. It should be. Because this time, or the next time rather, your wife says, 'Do these jeans make me look fat?' you can go, 'Honey, I am not a doctor.'" --Jay Leno

"Well, more problems for Democratic sleazeball John Edwards. The campaign official who claimed he fathered the child of Edwards' mistress is now writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. And to make matters worse, it turns out Acorn already registered the baby to vote." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of former President Bush, according to a new book that's coming out, former President Bush secretly supports gay marriage. Bush said, 'If Bert and Ernie can make it work, anyone can.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now, there's a new book coming out about former President Clinton. And it claims that when Boris Yeltsin was visiting, Yeltsin got drunk and was found wandering Pennsylvania Avenue in his underwear looking for pizza. The book also claims that when Clinton wanders around in his underwear, he's not looking for pizza." --Conan O'Brien

"A woman from Alabama won a dinner with Sarah Palin on eBay. It cost $63,000. Palin says she'll take the woman out to a restaurant of her choice and leave after the appetizers." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's the most expensive date with a governor since Eliot Spitzer." --David Letterman

"That's a lot of money. But you can sit down with Sarah Palin, spend a couple hours; really get to know her. You know, it's the thing John McCain should have done a year ago." --David Letterman

"Last week, Dick Cheney had back surgery. You know Dick Cheney? Dick 'Shotgun' Cheney? You know, it's the complications from carrying Bush for eight years. That's what it was." --David Letterman

"Doctors are optimistic about the surgery. They said Cheney's back surgery was quite risky but not necessary. Risky but not necessary. So it's like the Iraq war." --David Letterman

"…I'm getting kind of worried about President Obama. He hasn't been on a TV show for almost 11 hours. Is everything all right? Is he O.K.?" --Jay Leno

"You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno

"Actually, did you see Obama the last couple of days - he was on six different TV shows pitching his health-care plan. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, the immigrant population in California actually declined last year. When asked if they had noticed, 80 percent of the people in California said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today's a big day. The MacArthur Foundation gave out its annual genius awards. This year's awards went to a journalist, a mental health scientist, and a couple who sold their house three years ago." --Conan O'Brien

"Now this was momentous. Yesterday, President Obama brought together Israeli and Palestinian leaders, and undeniably now, it was awkward. And they stood there, and they stared at each other, and finally, after an uncomfortable period of time, they shook hands. It was like my wedding night." --David Letterman

"Muammar Qaddafi was at the U.N. today. He gave a speech that was extremely long. It was rambling and filled with inappropriate comments. As soon as Qaddafi finished, Joe Biden came up and said, 'Teach me, master.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Folks, today former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin gave a speech in China. The topic of her speech was, 'Are you sure you're not Japan?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. His opening line was, 'Some of you may recognize me from my appearances on television.'" --Jay Leno

"Anyway, this terror suspect who was arrested in Colorado that was charged with detailed plans on how to make the bomb - here's my favorite part. The guy said he downloaded the plans to make the bomb off the Internet by mistake. Oh, shut up, that's the porn excuse! Wives don't even buy that! Shut up!" --Jay Leno

"And according to a front page story in the LA Times, the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless, of course, they happen to see the front page of the L.A. Times." --Jay Leno

"And Sarah Palin gave a speech today in Hong Kong. She was very tough on President Obama. She attacked President Obama on foreign soil. Well, I'm sure the people that went after the Dixie Chicks will be going after her right now." --Jay Leno

"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland today to reassure senior citizens about health-care reform. The seniors didn't really care what Biden said in the speech, they were just happy to outlive it." --Jimmy Fallon

"I read this in Time magazine. Former presidential candidate Ralph Nader said that President Obama was 'weak, waffling and wavering.' And then Nader added: 'I do not like him in a house. I do not like him with a mouse.'" --Jimmy Fallon