"The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver." --David Letterman
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China." --David Letterman
"Hey, wait a minute, you know on Sunday, it'll be 16 years that Paul and I and everybody else have been here at CBS on the 'Late Show.' Sixteen years, ladies and gentlemen. I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney." --David Letterman
"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it, enhanced interrogation technique. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman
"Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies." --Conan O'Brien
"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien
"Publishers are saying that every time President Obama is seen reading a book on his vacation, sales of that book skyrocket, go through the roof. It's incredible. Yeah. And historians are saying we experienced this before when President Bush was photographed reading 'Everybody Poops.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Today and tomorrow, the state of California is having a big garage sale up in Sacramento. Which is probably not a good sign for the economy, when the largest state in the union is holding a garage sale to pay its debts. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, actually signed a lot of the items for sale, I guess to raise their value." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You know, a garage sale is fine, but we owe $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system." --David Letterman
"[H]ere's the deal. When are you a president, you can't do anything. People always looking for you to make some kind of trouble for you. Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He's not wearing a helmet. And people are all over him now. And I, well, I hope this guy has got some pretty good health insurance." --David Letterman
"I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards." --David Letterman
"In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica, and Antarctica." --Conan O'Brien
"In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, 'They're going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson
"Sarah Palin announced that she will make her first trip to Asia in September, where she'll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. Palin says she's thrilled because Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite places." --Jimmy Fallon
"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book." --Conan O'Brien
"A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It's a political group known as the Democrats." --Conan O'Brien
"Things are getting tough for President Obama. Every day, he slips a couple of points in the approval. He's now at 45 percent, mainly because of this healthcare thing. You know things are bad. Today, Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option." --Jimmy Fallon
"I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he's already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour." --Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen -- Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again. I'm telling you, the comedy recession is over." --David Letterman
"He's talking about running for governor again, although Eliot says he won't make a decision without consulting his wife. I remember when he used to make quite a few decisions without consulting his wife." --David Letterman
"Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it." --Conan O'Brien
"The Toyota Camry is the number one selling car in the U.S., because of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. I think Obama's getting a little carried away. Now he's letting people trade in old American children for newer Japanese children." --Jimmy Fallon
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China." --David Letterman
"Hey, wait a minute, you know on Sunday, it'll be 16 years that Paul and I and everybody else have been here at CBS on the 'Late Show.' Sixteen years, ladies and gentlemen. I've been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney." --David Letterman
"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it, enhanced interrogation technique. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman
"Yesterday in Arizona, Sen. John McCain had an out of control woman thrown out of a town hall meeting because she wouldn't stop yelling at him. I'm guessing he still hasn't patched things up with Sarah Palin." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of John McCain, he says that people are so angry and concerned about America's future, that he sees a revolution coming. McCain said, 'I had this exact same feeling in 1776.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has been a victim of identity theft. His credit card company became suspicious when they noticed repeated purchases of large, failing American car companies." --Conan O'Brien
"There's a big presidential election in Afghanistan and President Hamid Karzai's opponent is a man named Abdullah Abdullah. Of course, he usually goes by his middle name, Kevin." --Conan O'Brien
"Publishers are saying that every time President Obama is seen reading a book on his vacation, sales of that book skyrocket, go through the roof. It's incredible. Yeah. And historians are saying we experienced this before when President Bush was photographed reading 'Everybody Poops.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Today and tomorrow, the state of California is having a big garage sale up in Sacramento. Which is probably not a good sign for the economy, when the largest state in the union is holding a garage sale to pay its debts. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, actually signed a lot of the items for sale, I guess to raise their value." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You know, a garage sale is fine, but we owe $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, it's back. You know what I'm talking about. Swine flu. And they say now this year it may be worse than ever. And I was thinking, well, thank God we fixed our healthcare system." --David Letterman
"[H]ere's the deal. When are you a president, you can't do anything. People always looking for you to make some kind of trouble for you. Did you see the picture of Barack Obama out bicycling with the kids? He's not wearing a helmet. And people are all over him now. And I, well, I hope this guy has got some pretty good health insurance." --David Letterman
"I believe the President is the most prominent Democrat to go without protection since John Edwards." --David Letterman
"In a new interview, Dick Cheney says former President Bush ignored his advice to take military action against Iran's nuclear program. That's true. Bush also ignored Cheney's advice to attack Switzerland, Jamaica, and Antarctica." --Conan O'Brien
"In Afghanistan, a presidential candidate named Abdullah Abdullah says there has been election fraud, and that he deserves to be president. Abdullah Abdullah said, 'They're going to hear from my lawyer, Shapiro Shapiro.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson
"Sarah Palin announced that she will make her first trip to Asia in September, where she'll be giving a speech in Hong Kong. Palin says she's thrilled because Hong Kong and Asia are two of her favorite places." --Jimmy Fallon
"A spokesperson for Sarah Palin says she's about 85% finished with her book which means that Sarah Palin is finished with her book." --Conan O'Brien
"A political group is urging Dick Cheney to run for president in 2012. It's a political group known as the Democrats." --Conan O'Brien
"Things are getting tough for President Obama. Every day, he slips a couple of points in the approval. He's now at 45 percent, mainly because of this healthcare thing. You know things are bad. Today, Bo refused to go to the vet if he had to use the public option." --Jimmy Fallon
"I read today that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is considering running for the Senate. In fact he's already holding fundraisers: $500 for the full hour and $300 for a half hour." --Jimmy Fallon
"Hey, here's good news, ladies and gentlemen -- Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again. I'm telling you, the comedy recession is over." --David Letterman
"He's talking about running for governor again, although Eliot says he won't make a decision without consulting his wife. I remember when he used to make quite a few decisions without consulting his wife." --David Letterman
"Elmo from 'Sesame Street' is appearing in a new public service announcement informing people about swine flu. Doctors warn that if you see a red, furry, high-pitched monster informing you about swine flu, you may already have it." --Conan O'Brien
"The Toyota Camry is the number one selling car in the U.S., because of the 'Cash for Clunkers' program. I think Obama's getting a little carried away. Now he's letting people trade in old American children for newer Japanese children." --Jimmy Fallon
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