"If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you got the wrong studio." --Jay Leno

"I am happy to say I have never had a sexual relationship with any of my staff members." --Jay Leno

"I know why you're happy tonight. Because after all these months of seeing these tea baggers hold up signs of Obama with the Hitler mustache painted on, we have proof now that Obama isn't Hitler. Because when Hitler tried to get the Olympics he got it." --Bill Maher

"Hey, you can't say they didn't try from Chicago. They pulled out all the stops. The president went over there, the first lady, Oprah. Even Rod Blagojevich phoned in a bribe." --Bill Maher

Well, let's be big about it. Congratulations to the citizens of Rio de Janeiro. They spent all day today partying, doing the samba in the streets with the breasts hanging out and then they heard about the Olympics and then they were even more thrilled." --Bill Maher

"With the Olympic Committee, it came down to one simple question -- where do you want to go to spend your summer vacation? The land where super models invented bikini wax? The land where fat guys invented deep dish pizza?" --Bill Maher

"That's the difference between Bush and Obama. When Obama bombs in another country, nobody gets killed." --Bill Maher

"You hear about Letterman? I was shocked that Letterman has been having affairs. I had no idea he was even running for office." --Bill Maher

"I just wanted to say, so you know here, I have never had sex with anyone on my staff. The guests, of course, yes. I mean, that's part of the job, but never the staff." --Bill Maher

"A producer for '48 Hours' was arrested Thursday for attempting a stupid human trick. It was reported that the blackmailer was saying he was going to reveal embarrassing details about Letterman's life. For instance, after sex he would say, 'Stay tuned for Craig Ferguson.'" --Seth Meyers

"Last week, I told a joke about Newark, New Jersey. You may have heard about this. Yeah, I just made an offhanded joke. It was quite a good one, actually, about Newark, New Jersey. And as a result, the mayor has banned me from flying into Newark airport. So, now if I want to go to Newark, I'll just have to get there the same way everyone else does, through a series of poor choices." --Conan O'Brien

"The Olympic Committee voted on whether Chicago, Tokyo, Rio or Madrid would host the 2016 Olympics. I don't know if it was rigged or anything, but the winner was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." -Jimmy Fallon

"There's a new book out called "why women have sex" that has a list of 237 reasons why women have sex. And Letterman knows the top ten." --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new study out of the University of Michigan, during this bad economy, people's health is actually better than it was before. Isn't that amazing? When times are bad economically, people stay in better health, to which former President Bush said, 'You're welcome!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, President Obama announced a plan to spend $5 billion on science and cutting-edge medical research, or, as Fox calls that, 'socialism.'" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, experts say this $5 billion project of President Obama's could lead to the development of dozens of life-saving medical treatments that your insurance company could one day turn you down for." --Jay Leno

"Well, the publisher was impressed that Sarah Palin finished the book four months ahead of schedule. That's not a big deal. She finished her term as governor 18 months ahead of schedule." --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. You can't call the swine flu swine flu anymore. It's now the H1N1 virus. You know why this is? This is true. The pork lobby in Washington lobbied hard to get the name changed because they didn't want people to think you could get sick by eating pork. I mean, bacon will still kill you; you just won't get a runny nose." --Jay Leno

"The founder of Cirque du Soleil is currently onboard the international space station. And today, he got all of the other nine astronauts to put on red clown noses. Then the astronauts conducted experiments on the loss of dignity in space." --Conan O'Brien

"Catholic churches throughout New York City are no longer offering wine at communion to help prevent the spread of swine flu. I like that it took swine flu for people to realize that sharing a cup with hundreds of other New Yorkers is a health risk." --Jimmy Fallon

"I read about this. Apple is withdrawing from the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, because the chamber is skeptical of global warming theories. Apple said that it was a tough call to make, but still not as tough as making a call on the iPhone." --Jimmy Fallon

"I will be honest with you, folks. Right now, I would give anything to be hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"I got into the car this morning and the navigation lady wasn't speaking to me." --David Letterman

"Things are still pretty bad. There's a possibility I'll be the first talk-show host impeached." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about this? Over the weekend, they came up with proof that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is Jewish. I wonder how much they wanted to keep that quiet." --David Letterman

"Ahmadinejad won't be talking about it. He's referring all questions to Rubenstein Communications." --David Letterman

“As you know, President Obama flew to Denmark, made his pitch. The international committee voted. Chicago finished last, dead last. Well, I guess the committee thought Chicago already had enough amateur athletes with the White Sox and the Cubs." --Jay Leno

"You know what the mistake was? We shouldn't have sent President Obama over there to get the votes. We should have sent Acorn. It would have been a landslide. We would have gotten all the votes, thousands of votes." --Jay Leno

"Governor Schwarzenegger said if he comes back to California, there should be no special treatment for Roman Polanski. I think that's what he said. It was that or 'I'm going to Japan to ski.' I don't know what he said." --Jay Leno

"Hey, speaking of presidents, a former speechwriter to President Bush was quoted as saying that, contrary to what people think, 'Bush wasn't dumb.' In fact, as we speak, that quote's being engraved on the wall of the Bush presidential library." --Conan O'Brien

"And starting today, we get the swine flu vaccination. Doctors are set to receive the vaccination first, because they're the only ones who can still afford to go see the doctor." --Craig Ferguson

"At the box office this weekend, the movie 'Zombieland' was No. 1. It beat Michael Moore's new documentary. 'Zombieland' and the Michael Moore movie are very different, of course. One has a disgusting, lumbering monster that eats everything in its path, and the other one has zombies." --Craig Ferguson

"There's been some squabbling in the Republican Party. In a recent interview, John McCain's former campaign manager said that if Sarah Palin is the Republican Party's presidential nominee, the results will be catastrophic -- as opposed to when she was the vice presidential nominee and everything went perfectly." --Conan O'Brien

"So what NASA is doing, they're crashing a rocket, which will have the energy of two tons of TNT It's part of NASA's new strategy, 'What would Wile E. Coyote do?'" --Jimmy Fallon