"NASA is going to launch a rocket to the moon on Friday. They're going to shoot a rocket to the moon. Just going to -- kaboom, kaboom! The government says don't worry, that they're pretty certain we will be greeted as liberators." --David Letterman

"We're bombing the moon. We're attacking the moon. And we hope to find out if there's water. And you know that is how we do stuff. We launch the attack then we look for the evidence." --David Letterman

"The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry went to John McCain and Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"Congress is now considering giving $500 to every baby born in the United States. They want to promote savings. And listen to this. It's $1,000 if it turns out your congressman is your baby's father." --Jay Leno

"And tonight, Obama hosted a basketball game at the White House for several members of Congress. He didn't even want to play, he just wanted to see Congress pass something." --Jimmy Fallon

"News out of Afghanistan. The Taliban say that they have no plan of harming countries of the world, including those in Europe. I'm not sure how convincing that sounds. It is like telling your RA, 'I have no beer in this room at all, especially not under my bed.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"[Y]ou guys heard about this asteroid that can strike the Earth in 2036? NASA just downgraded the threat collision to 1 in 250,000. That means you have a better shot at getting crushed by an asteroid than winning the grand prize of McDonald's 'Monopoly.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"It's a great honor for America that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, our economy is so bad, Obama's already been forced to trade the medal in at 'Cash 4 Gold.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize comes with $1.4 million in cash. Or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama Caught Taking Bribe from Swedish Government.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The Nobel committee said he won for creating a new climate for international politics. which sounds so much nicer than 'In your face George Bush you cowboy a**hole.'" --Bill Maher

"Conservatives say the award represents everything they stand against: black people, foreigners, and peace." --Bill Maher

"Obama said he will attend the ceremony in Oslo if he's not too busy with the two wars he's conducting." --Bill Maher

"Congratulations to Barack Obama -- he has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Apparently, the Nobel committee wanted to recognize the president's fine work in bringing peace to a black professor and a white cop through the strategic use of beer. " --Jay Leno

"President Obama said he was humbled to win the prize. Not as humble as he was when Rio got the Olympics. But still humble." --Jay Leno

"President Obama said he will go to Oslo, Norway to collect the award. Roman Polanski said, 'It's a trick -- don't go; you'll be arrested.'" --Jay Leno

"Big news: We bombed the moon this morning. We sent a missile into its surface. That's gotta be a lesson to North Korea and Iran -- we bombed the moon for no good reason at all." --Jimmy Kimmel

"A day after declaring war on the moon, President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Biden was awarded the Nobel Hair-Piece Prize." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Along with the Nobel Peace Prize President Obama also gets $1.4 million. Usually to get a check that big you need to blackmail David Letterman." --Jimmy Fallon

"The White House admitted that they made a mistake by not inviting women to play in President Obama's basketball game last night. Although it would have made 'shirts vs. skins' a little awkward. " --Jimmy Fallon

"In a surprise decision, President Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize Friday. In other premature awards this week: high school football player Billy Reynolds has been named this year's Heisman Trophy winner; fifth grader Amber Collins has been named Miss America; and nine-year-old Dylan Holt has been named People's 'Sexiest Man Alive.'" --Seth Meyers

"[W]hen Vice President Joe Biden heard that President Obama won the Nobel Prize, he was speechless. So, it's already doing some good." --Jay Leno

"Do you know who was the runner up for the Peace Prize? Oakland Raiders defense. They are true pacifists." --Jay Leno

"Congress is now proposing to give everyone who has a baby $500. Oh yeah, great! Let's make these NBA players even richer." --Jay Leno

"President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is not to be confused with George Bush's policy, 'Don't Know, Don't Care.' That's a whole different deal." --David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh has been named one of the official judges of the Miss America Pageant. I'm like, what? A loudmouth judge who loves prescription painkillers? Wait, wait, it worked for 'American Idol.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Yesterday morning, Pope Benedict named five new saints to the Catholic Church, though some are questioning whether Obama really deserved it." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Chicago Cubs declared bankruptcy today, a move that they say will help them sell the team. It's part of the new 'Cash for Clunkers' program." --Jimmy Fallon

"And in NFL news, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. So far, this season, the Rams are what, 0-5? What is it with the Republicans? They can't seem to pick a winning team lately. What's going on?" --Jay Leno

"Well, here's some news. President Obama's healthcare plan passed the Senate Finance Committee this afternoon. Republicans are disappointed because they had their own version of the health plan. That was going to be swine flu masks and Purell." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, says she will eventually retire and will not be running for president ever again, unlike George W. Bush, who retired as soon as he was elected president." --David Letterman

"Do you know in Washington today, a Republican senator from Maine voted with the Democrats on health care? That's the first time a Republican switched sides and was not arrested in an airport bathroom." --Craig Ferguson

"The Treasury Department said yesterday that the Taliban is much better funded than al Qaeda. Al Qaeda said they would have done better if they had not invested everything with Bernie Madoff." --Jimmy Fallon

"Colorado will become the first state ever to lower its minimum wage by 3 cents an hour, from $7.28 to $7.25. As a compromise, Colorado workers will be allowed to leave work 9 seconds earlier." --Jimmy Fallon

"Wal-Mart employees were like, 'There's a minimum wage?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"And the Fox News White House correspondent, a man named Major Garrett, has the swine flu. President Obama has ordered Fox News quarantined for up to five years!" --Jay Leno

"And, of course, the Republicans still can't believe that Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. And the Democrats can't believe that Sarah Palin wrote a book. So, it's even." --Jay Leno