"President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, 'I'd like to encourage you to do some shopping while you're here.' I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming." --Conan O'Brien
"While he's in New York for the U.N. conference, Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi is traveling with an entourage of 50 attractive female bodyguards. The guards are there in case Qaddafii gets attacked or in case he wants to make a music video from 1985." --Conan O'Brien
"Health officials are now saying that the swine flu could be spread at college keg parties. They say if you attend a keg party and come home feeling numb and vomiting profusely, you're probably fine." --Conan O'Brien
"This week, Chrysler announced it's replacing its owners' manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota." --Conan O'Brien
"Federal authorities have issued a flurry of bulletins warning that sports stadiums, entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, apartment buildings, and transit systems could be targets of terrorist attacks. Well thanks for narrowing it down." --Jay Leno
"In fact, you know the safest place to be now? Airplanes. Stay in the air as long as you can." --Jay Leno
"Well, according to the FBI, terrorists may be targeting sporting events here in the United States and people attending games are being told keep an eye out for anybody looking suspicious or anybody who looks like they might be a threat. Well, what do you do at an Oakland Raiders game? That's everybody." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin gave a speech to a conference of investors in Hong Kong yesterday morning. Then she spent the afternoon shooting pandas from a helicopter." --Jay Leno
"And according to the latest rumors, the former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, about to announce she is running for governor of California. See, that shows you how bad the economy is getting here in California. Now we're just another piece of crap on eBay." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear President Obama's speech about nuclear proliferation? It was impressive. It's nice to have a president who can pronounce nuclear, isn't it?" --David Letterman
"It's fall here in New York. It's cool, getting dark earlier. The temperature's dropping. The leaves are changing. In fact, the only thing that hasn't changed is Qaddafi is still talking at the U.N." --Jimmy Fallon
"In Qadaffi's rant yesterday, Qaddafi referred to President Obama as his son. Then he went on to describe Joe Biden as his weird, talkative cousin." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today's Yom Kippur and what that means is down in Houston earlier today former President George W. Bush got up early and started looking for Easter eggs." --David Letterman
"You heard about this? Yesterday, Iran fires a missile. Not only that, but Iran is now testing a talk show at 10:00 p.m." --David Letterman
"Here's a story. And it's about time. Director Roman Polanski, they finally get this guy. They arrest him in Switzerland. And I was thinking well, you know, great, I'm glad they got Polanski but what about bin Laden?" --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin went to Hong Kong, delivered a speech last week. And we're learning more and more about the speech that she delivered there. Palin says China needs to deal with its ethics problems. Well, I bet that got a nice laugh." --David Letterman
"Today, President Obama spoke at the G-20 global economic summit in Pittsburgh. He warned that if the world economy does not get better, next year's summit will also be in Pittsburgh." --Jay Leno
"And there is a new terrorism alert at sporting events. Spectators are being asked to report anything suspicious. For example, if you see a Detroit Lion making a first down, OK, right there, wait a minute." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study out of the University of Chicago, participating in sports can make you smarter. That explains how these college athletes are able to graduate without even going to class." --Jay Leno
"It's chilly here in New York City. As a matter of fact today, it was chillier than a conversation between President Obama and Governor Paterson. Apparently what happened, Governor Paterson gets a call from President Obama, and President Obama says, 'Hey, uh, don't run.' A lot of tension between these two guys; as a matter of fact, now, it looks like Paterson may have to invite himself to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman
"You know what's exciting about this time of year, ladies and gentlemen? The new fall television season, huh? Yeah! Right here on CBS, premiere of a brand new show, highly anticipated show called 'The Good Wife.' You know what it's about? It's about the wife of a politician who cheats on her. Where do they come up with this stuff?" --David Letterman
"You know what happened one year ago today? The stock market dropped 700 points. One year ago today. Do you have any idea what that means? Neither do I." --David Letterman
"Chicago, Illinois, wants the Olympics in 2016. Everybody is pitching in. Remember former Governor Rod Blagojevich? Even he's pitching in. He said if they send the Olympics to Chicago, he will throw in a US Senate seat." --David Letterman
"President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It's worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there." --David Letterman
"Do you folks remember Andy Williams? Fantastic singer. He says that President Obama is following Marxist theory. I said, 'That's interesting. I think I'm going to wait and see what the Andrews Sisters say.'" --David Letterman
"This is the best news I've heard in a long time. The CIA announced a brand new plan to capture Osama bin Laden. They're going to invite him to Zurich, Switzerland, to have him pick up a lifetime achievement award." --David Letterman
"The title of the book is 'Going Rogue,' which is how some of John McCain's advisers derisively describe what she did during the presidential campaign. The title is getting a mixed reaction. Some people like it, some people don't. And some think 'Going Rogue' is a rip-off of Joe Biden's memoir, 'Going Rogaine,' which came out like five years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You know he's not just the Vice President, he's also a client." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, President Obama has an idea to make our country smarter. He wants to shorten summer vacation and extend the school year. And I don't want to be cynical, but clearly this is a back door deal for the powerful Tater Tot lobby." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I miss our old President, who worked for more recess for children, not more school. Instead, we elected the kid who reminds the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. That's no fun at all." --Jimmy Kimmel
“I read about this today, too. Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy Fallon
"I was reading today about President Obama's new plans for education. I guess President Obama wants kids to spend more time in school. He wants them staying later in the day. That's not new. We had that when I was in school. It's called detention. I was there until 5:30, 6:00 every night." --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Sarah Palin Tips For Writing A Book
10. Close curtains so you don't get distracted by Russia.
9. Increase vocabulary -- use words like "slanket."
8. First buy yourself 100-grand worth of writing outfits.
7. Don't write a word until the check clears.
6. Limit yourself to one "you betcha" per chapter.
5. You can never have enough stories about ice fishing or killing things with your bare hands.
4. When in doubt, just type (wink).
3. Don't let writing cut into attending "Fire Letterman" rallies.
2. Have a book translated for sale to European countries like London.
1. I'll try to find ya some tips and I'll bring 'em to ya!
"People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
"But if you're interested, Sarah Palin will be at Barnes & Noble later this fall for a book shooting." --David Letterman
"But the book has got a lot of beautiful color photos that Sarah has taken from her front porch -- beautiful pictures of Russia that she took from her front porch." --David Letterman
"In the back -- this is helpful -- a complete index of all my apologies." --David Letterman
"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien
"I've got a really strange story in the news about Al Qaeda. According to intelligence reports - I'm not making this up - the new standard procedure for Al Qaeda hiding explosives inside their rectum. Either that or they're playing a cruel practical joke on Ahmed. 'Are you sure everyone's doing this?' 'Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C., as Bono's personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression." --Jimmy Fallon
"U2 even dedicated a song to her face -- 'Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"She almost shed a tear. But she doesn't have tear ducts." --Jimmy Fallon
Video bonuses:
Jon Stewart gives a lesson to Sean Hannity on history and food chain:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/30/jon%2Dstewart%2Dschools%2Dsean%5Fn%5F304011.html
SNL spoof of Gaddhafi’s rambling UN speech:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.nbc.com/saturday%2Dnight%2Dlive/video/clips/un%2Daddress%2Dopen/1161219/
"While he's in New York for the U.N. conference, Libyan dictator Muammar Qaddafi is traveling with an entourage of 50 attractive female bodyguards. The guards are there in case Qaddafii gets attacked or in case he wants to make a music video from 1985." --Conan O'Brien
"Health officials are now saying that the swine flu could be spread at college keg parties. They say if you attend a keg party and come home feeling numb and vomiting profusely, you're probably fine." --Conan O'Brien
"This week, Chrysler announced it's replacing its owners' manuals with a DVD. In a related story, most Americans have replaced their Chrysler with a Toyota." --Conan O'Brien
"Federal authorities have issued a flurry of bulletins warning that sports stadiums, entertainment complexes, hotels, motels, apartment buildings, and transit systems could be targets of terrorist attacks. Well thanks for narrowing it down." --Jay Leno
"In fact, you know the safest place to be now? Airplanes. Stay in the air as long as you can." --Jay Leno
"Well, according to the FBI, terrorists may be targeting sporting events here in the United States and people attending games are being told keep an eye out for anybody looking suspicious or anybody who looks like they might be a threat. Well, what do you do at an Oakland Raiders game? That's everybody." --Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin gave a speech to a conference of investors in Hong Kong yesterday morning. Then she spent the afternoon shooting pandas from a helicopter." --Jay Leno
"And according to the latest rumors, the former CEO of eBay, Meg Whitman, about to announce she is running for governor of California. See, that shows you how bad the economy is getting here in California. Now we're just another piece of crap on eBay." --Jay Leno
"Did you hear President Obama's speech about nuclear proliferation? It was impressive. It's nice to have a president who can pronounce nuclear, isn't it?" --David Letterman
"It's fall here in New York. It's cool, getting dark earlier. The temperature's dropping. The leaves are changing. In fact, the only thing that hasn't changed is Qaddafi is still talking at the U.N." --Jimmy Fallon
"In Qadaffi's rant yesterday, Qaddafi referred to President Obama as his son. Then he went on to describe Joe Biden as his weird, talkative cousin." --Jimmy Fallon
"Today's Yom Kippur and what that means is down in Houston earlier today former President George W. Bush got up early and started looking for Easter eggs." --David Letterman
"You heard about this? Yesterday, Iran fires a missile. Not only that, but Iran is now testing a talk show at 10:00 p.m." --David Letterman
"Here's a story. And it's about time. Director Roman Polanski, they finally get this guy. They arrest him in Switzerland. And I was thinking well, you know, great, I'm glad they got Polanski but what about bin Laden?" --David Letterman
"Sarah Palin went to Hong Kong, delivered a speech last week. And we're learning more and more about the speech that she delivered there. Palin says China needs to deal with its ethics problems. Well, I bet that got a nice laugh." --David Letterman
"Today, President Obama spoke at the G-20 global economic summit in Pittsburgh. He warned that if the world economy does not get better, next year's summit will also be in Pittsburgh." --Jay Leno
"And there is a new terrorism alert at sporting events. Spectators are being asked to report anything suspicious. For example, if you see a Detroit Lion making a first down, OK, right there, wait a minute." --Jay Leno
"According to a new study out of the University of Chicago, participating in sports can make you smarter. That explains how these college athletes are able to graduate without even going to class." --Jay Leno
"It's chilly here in New York City. As a matter of fact today, it was chillier than a conversation between President Obama and Governor Paterson. Apparently what happened, Governor Paterson gets a call from President Obama, and President Obama says, 'Hey, uh, don't run.' A lot of tension between these two guys; as a matter of fact, now, it looks like Paterson may have to invite himself to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman
"You know what's exciting about this time of year, ladies and gentlemen? The new fall television season, huh? Yeah! Right here on CBS, premiere of a brand new show, highly anticipated show called 'The Good Wife.' You know what it's about? It's about the wife of a politician who cheats on her. Where do they come up with this stuff?" --David Letterman
"You know what happened one year ago today? The stock market dropped 700 points. One year ago today. Do you have any idea what that means? Neither do I." --David Letterman
"Chicago, Illinois, wants the Olympics in 2016. Everybody is pitching in. Remember former Governor Rod Blagojevich? Even he's pitching in. He said if they send the Olympics to Chicago, he will throw in a US Senate seat." --David Letterman
"President Obama says he will use all of his powers of persuasion to get the Olympics in Chicago. I thought, well, great. It's worked pretty well so far with his healthcare plan. Good luck there." --David Letterman
"Do you folks remember Andy Williams? Fantastic singer. He says that President Obama is following Marxist theory. I said, 'That's interesting. I think I'm going to wait and see what the Andrews Sisters say.'" --David Letterman
"This is the best news I've heard in a long time. The CIA announced a brand new plan to capture Osama bin Laden. They're going to invite him to Zurich, Switzerland, to have him pick up a lifetime achievement award." --David Letterman
"The title of the book is 'Going Rogue,' which is how some of John McCain's advisers derisively describe what she did during the presidential campaign. The title is getting a mixed reaction. Some people like it, some people don't. And some think 'Going Rogue' is a rip-off of Joe Biden's memoir, 'Going Rogaine,' which came out like five years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel
"You know he's not just the Vice President, he's also a client." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, President Obama has an idea to make our country smarter. He wants to shorten summer vacation and extend the school year. And I don't want to be cynical, but clearly this is a back door deal for the powerful Tater Tot lobby." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I miss our old President, who worked for more recess for children, not more school. Instead, we elected the kid who reminds the teacher that she forgot to give the class homework. That's no fun at all." --Jimmy Kimmel
“I read about this today, too. Sarah Palin's 400-page memoir is going to be released on November 17th, and it's called 'Going Rogue: An American Life.' And critics say that it starts out okay, it get's really exciting and then confusing, and then the last 100 pages are blank." --Jimmy Fallon
"I was reading today about President Obama's new plans for education. I guess President Obama wants kids to spend more time in school. He wants them staying later in the day. That's not new. We had that when I was in school. It's called detention. I was there until 5:30, 6:00 every night." --Jay Leno
David Letterman's Top Ten Sarah Palin Tips For Writing A Book
10. Close curtains so you don't get distracted by Russia.
9. Increase vocabulary -- use words like "slanket."
8. First buy yourself 100-grand worth of writing outfits.
7. Don't write a word until the check clears.
6. Limit yourself to one "you betcha" per chapter.
5. You can never have enough stories about ice fishing or killing things with your bare hands.
4. When in doubt, just type (wink).
3. Don't let writing cut into attending "Fire Letterman" rallies.
2. Have a book translated for sale to European countries like London.
1. I'll try to find ya some tips and I'll bring 'em to ya!
"People in Alaska are looking forward to Sarah Palin's memoir. They're already calling it 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman
"But if you're interested, Sarah Palin will be at Barnes & Noble later this fall for a book shooting." --David Letterman
"But the book has got a lot of beautiful color photos that Sarah has taken from her front porch -- beautiful pictures of Russia that she took from her front porch." --David Letterman
"In the back -- this is helpful -- a complete index of all my apologies." --David Letterman
"President Obama and Oprah Winfrey are going to Copenhagen together this week to push for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. The bad news is while they're gone the country's going to be run by Joe Biden and Jerry Springer." --Conan O'Brien
"I've got a really strange story in the news about Al Qaeda. According to intelligence reports - I'm not making this up - the new standard procedure for Al Qaeda hiding explosives inside their rectum. Either that or they're playing a cruel practical joke on Ahmed. 'Are you sure everyone's doing this?' 'Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C., as Bono's personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression." --Jimmy Fallon
"U2 even dedicated a song to her face -- 'Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"She almost shed a tear. But she doesn't have tear ducts." --Jimmy Fallon
Video bonuses:
Jon Stewart gives a lesson to Sean Hannity on history and food chain:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/30/jon%2Dstewart%2Dschools%2Dsean%5Fn%5F304011.html
SNL spoof of Gaddhafi’s rambling UN speech:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.nbc.com/saturday%2Dnight%2Dlive/video/clips/un%2Daddress%2Dopen/1161219/
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