October 22

"Well, in sports news, the big story is the NFL now stands for 'Not For Limbaugh.'" –Jay Leno

"You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself." –Jay Leno

"And for the first time in over a year, the Dow hit 10,000. Very exciting. Now, if you don't know what the Dow is, that is a list of companies President Obama hasn't taken over yet." –Jay Leno

"President Obama announced that he wants to give senior citizens $250. Has this been the greatest year for Brett Favre or what?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama went to New Orleans today to check up on the rebuilding efforts after Hurricane Katrina. When President Bush heard about it, he said, 'There was a hurricane in New Orleans?'"–Jay Leno

"Hey, a new poll just came out that shows that Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary said she's thrilled to win a popularity contest a year after it matters." –Conan O'Brien

"Did you see what happened to Rush Limbaugh? St. Louis Rams and they wouldn't let him. He said this was a dream he had, to some day own black people." --Bill Maher

"The Dow hit 10,000 this week, everybody! For the first time since the market collapse. And people were so excited, they took to the streets to celebrate, which is easy because so many of them live there." --Bill Maher

"President Obama was in New Orleans visiting the victims of Katrina yesterday. And he took questions from the audience. And one person asked him: 'What do you think about the Big Easy?' and he said, 'Oh, I just call it 'Nobel Peace Prize.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Louisiana, a judge denied an interracial couple a marriage license because he felt, I quote, their children would later suffer in life from being interracial. Like when they become president or win the Masters or get an Oscar." --Jay Leno

"Republican Senator Olympia Snowe warned Tuesday that while she crossed party lines to vote for the new health care bill in committee, that doesn't mean she will vote for it when it reaches the Senate floor. Adding, 'Come on, guys, chase me!'" --Seth Meyers

"A big blockbuster movie this weekend, 'Where the Wild Things Are' yeah. I think it's like a big Imax movie and it's supposed to be for kids. I don't know, by the end of the movie, all of the wild things have been hunted and shot by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"Liberal activists are accusing President Obama of being too slow to appoint new judges. Yeah. They claim that the only new judges appointed during the presidency are Sonia Sotomayor and Ellen DeGeneres." --Conan O'Brien

"A new survey found that the average man cries about six times a year. That number would be a lot lower if it weren’t for Glenn Beck." --Jimmy Fallon

"As you know, the whole balloon boy thing turned out to be a big hoax. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam." --Jay Leno

"This is kind of interesting. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- it's always the first wife -- is coming out with a book that gives a rare glimpse into the personal life of the infamous al Qaeda leader. She says Osama bin Laden was very tough on their children and was a strict disciplinarian. Well there's a shock." --Jay Leno

"And prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal immigrants by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, he gave them bad advice and stole their money. I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me." --Jay Leno

"President Obama today agreed to commit an additional 40,000 troops to help fight Fox News." –Jay Leno

"And according to USA Today, car thefts are now at a 20-year low. Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it." –Jay Leno

"Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have invented a robot whose sole mission is to deliver you snacks. Got a big problem here in America. We're getting too much exercise walking to the fridge, now?" --Jay Leno

"The FDA announced plans to clamp down on food labeling that may mislead consumers into thinking food is more nutritious than it really is. Is that going to work? Huh? You think Americans will change their eating habits by reading that? 'Oh, look, honey, on the label: These chocolate doughnuts aren't as nutritious as I thought they were.'" --Jay Leno

"The 'balloon boy' saga continues. Authorities have not yet charged the Heenes, but they expect charges to be filed next week. The father's helium tanks were actually repossessed; I guess they don’t want him flying away before he is arrested." --Jimmy Kimmel