November 25

"Anybody reading the 'Going Rogue' book, the Sarah Palin memoir? Remember the interview she did with Katie Couric before the election and it was confusing and clumsy. Well, in the book, Sarah Palin says that she felt ambushed when Katie Couric asked her what newspapers she read. This coming from a woman who hunts wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

"Welcome to New York City. Beginning Monday, you know who's going to be here? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be here. He's going on trial. And the time that he's in New York City, he's going to be very busy. Monday, for example — Monday morning — he'll be on the 'Today Show,' singing 'I Dreamed a Dream.' Very busy schedule." –David Letterman

"He's not coming on this show, apparently because of a joke I made about his daughter." –David Letterman

"I don't know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden's 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn't blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out." –Jimmy Fallon

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not run for another office once his term as governor is over. He said, 'I have never labeled myself as a politician.' At least that's what I think he said. Either that or, 'I never sat down at the table with an obstetrician.'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people." –Seth Meyers

"In a long-standing Thanksgiving tradition, President Obama is scheduled to pardon the White House turkey this coming Wednesday. 'Hey, that's great,' said Joe Biden. 'I didn't even know I did anything wrong.'" –Seth Meyers

"The alleged 9/11 mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, is gonna be tried in New York City after all, it looks like. A lot of people saying this is too dangerous. And, of course, the big fear, he could escape by disappearing into a sea of cab drivers." –Jay Leno

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"It's been reported that CNN got so tired of Lou Dobbs' focus on immigration issues that they paid him $8 million to leave. Yeah, and just to rub it in, they gave it to him in pesos." –Conan O'Brien

"Now, three weeks ago, [the Administration] said the $787 billion stimulus-thing created one million new jobs. Then, last week, they said it was really only 640,000 jobs. Now, they're saying they really don't know. You know how to create a new job? Fire the guy in charge of counting." –Jay Leno

"There's a lot of controversy over this section of this new health care bill that says if you don't buy health insurance, you can go to jail for five years. They say it'll prevent freeloaders of the system. Yeah, but — well, if they do go to jail, won't they get free health care for five years?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in China last week. Today, the Chinese government sent him a beautiful gift. Did you see this on the news tonight? It was a 10% off coupon at Wal-Mart." –Jay Leno

"That evil guy, the evil masterminding terrorist Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, he is going on trial here in New York City. I will tell you something, this guy is nothing but evil. One time he called CNN and told them that his son was floating away in a balloon." –David Letterman

"Khalid is expected to get a tough reception here in New York City because everybody hates him. You know, why not? Here's a guy you can hate. And on top of that, he's a Red Sox fan." –David Letterman

"Barnes and Noble is running a great promotion on the Sarah Palin book. You buy the Sarah Palin book, they will throw in a free Mayan calendar." –David Letterman

"John McCain, Sarah Palin's former running mate, read the Sarah Palin memoir. After 23 years of military service, five years as a prisoner of war, 22 years as a U.S. senator, I'm sure that John found Sarah's story very inspirational." –David Letterman

"A lot of people are saying that it's too soon for Sarah Palin to write a memoir. They say she should wait until she had at least ten more years of inexperience." –David Letterman

"The ratings just came in for Sarah Palin's appearance on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show.' It earned Oprah her highest ratings since the episode where she reunited the Osmond family. Yeah, viewers who saw both episodes say Palin's more likable but that Donny and Marie are more qualified to be president." –Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It's like fighting over whether or not to fight." –Jimmy Fallon

Video of the week:
http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-november-18-2009/excitement-over-sarah-palin-s-book-release

November 20

"Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit, his work visa expired." –Jay Leno

"Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, 'New York will be broke by Christmas.' Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, 'Christmas? What's your secret? How'd you last so long?'" –Jay Leno

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." –David Letterman

" Congressman Barney Frank said yesterday that the military's 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy will be repealed next year. It's going to be replaced by the policy, 'Yeah, we knew.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Big news, Lou Dobbs announced on his show last night that he was leaving CNN. No word on where Dobbs is going to go next, but I think we can all rule out Telemundo." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear this? Germany will send 120 soldiers to northern Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban. And out of habit, France surrendered." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today happens to be Friday the 13th. In fact, this is the third Friday the 13th of 2009 already. I blame Obama for that. We never had three Friday the 13ths under President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father, Dick, might run for president in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief — and that just from the Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"You know who's coming to New York City? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here. He's coming to New York City for the big trial, and also, he's promoting his new book, 'Really Going Rogue.'" –David Letterman

"Khalid is looking forward to spewing his fanatical hate in court and also seeing 'Mama Mia!'" –David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, says Sarah Palin is 'great for the Republican Party.' Well yeah, that means a lot from the guy who finished fifth." –David Letterman

"President Obama in China this week, or as they call it, the 'People's Republic of Wal-Mart.'" –Jay Leno

"And that community organizer group, ACORN, is now suing Congress, claiming that it was unconstitutional for Congress to cut off their funding. And to prove their case, ACORN has a petition signed by over a million Supreme Court justices." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is everywhere right now. Have you noticed that? This week, Sarah Palin is going to appear on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' 'ABC World News,' 'Nightline,' 'Sean Hannity,' and '20/20.' During all her appearances, Palin will talk about how the media won't leave her alone." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day, Sarah Palin said she'd like to have coffee with Hillary Clinton. Now, Hillary is saying she looks forward to it. The two have agreed to meet at the Never Will Be President Cafe." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." –Jay Leno

"Obama met with the Chinese leaders. They complained about the U.S. economy. And why not? Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons." –David Letterman

"Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There's one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment." –Jimmy Fallon

"71 cars. Somewhere in the world, Al Gore shed a single tear." –Jimmy Fallon

"They didn't need 71 cars. I mean, trust me. I've been to China. They could fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish. They got it handled over there." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? 'The Oxford Dictionary' declared that the 2009 word of the year is 'unfriend.' To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don't like from your life, or as CNN calls it, 'Lou Dobbs them.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama to run." –Jimmy Kimmel

"[Sarah Palin’s] book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, some critics are saying President Obama made a faux pas in greeting the emperor of Japan because Obama did the traditional bow but mixed in a handshake. And to make matters worse, Obama then tried to get out of that with an awkward end of a blind date half hug." –Conan O'Brien

"In her new book, 'Going Rogue,' Sarah Palin says she doesn't like vegetarians. Palin says all vegetarians should go back to Vegetaria, where they came from." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rate is now under 50%. 'Well, welcome to the club,' I said." –David Letterman

"Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn't name any, but still." –David Letterman

"And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That's amazing, isn't it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous." –Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." –Conan O'Brien

November 13

"During a speech, President Obama embarrassed his daughter, Malia. Did you hear about this? Embarrassed his daughter Malia by revealing that she recently got a 73 on a science test. Yeah, yeah, then Malia embarrassed him by asking him how the governor's races in Virginia and New Jersey turned out." –Conan O'Brien

"During the middle of his show, Fox News commentator Glenn Beck was rushed to the hospital for an attack of appendicitis. Yeah. Apparently, Beck was crying and screaming incoherently, so his audience assumed everything was normal." –Conan O'Brien

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called 'By the People.' 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called, 'By Mistake.'" –David Letterman

"There is actually a big swine flu vaccine shortage all across the country, but you know who has gotten the vaccines? Executives at Citigroup, Goldman Sachs and JP Morgan. But in the company's defense, if those executives got sick, everything would stop, the companies would go under and the government would have to bail them out." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama hosted a conference of all the Native American tribes. I know the U.S. economy's in bad shape, but Obama told the Indians, 'Look, you can have the country back. Okay, fine.'" –Jay Leno

"House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that although they lost the governorship in New Jersey and Virginia, Democrats were the real winners on Election Night. In a related story, scientists now say Botox can cause delusions." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama met with Native American tribal leaders, and they gave Obama the Indian name, 'He Who Cares.' Isn't that nice? That's nice. Yeah. Then, they gave Vice President Joe Biden the Indian name, 'Big Chief Running Mouth." –Conan O'Brien

"Chrysler announced it's coming out with a new logo that's going to appear on all of its cars, and they hope it will boost sales. And it should help, because the new logo says, 'Toyota.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The unemployment rate went above ten percent for the first time since 1983. Last week, economists were saying the recession is finally over, but this week, all those economists were laid off. So it's just tough." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The health-care reform bill has passed by the House. Well, that was easy. And you know what that means, it's just one step away to being defeated by the Senate." –David Letterman

"It was close, 220 yeas, 215 nays and one — you lie, you lie!" –David Letterman

"When you think about it and think about what it meant at the time and what it has meant since it really is one of those things that in our lifetime we have been tremendously lucky to observe the end of the wall in Berlin. The wall came down 20 years ago today. And that signaled the end of communism. Until, of course, Obama and his pinko buddies took over." –David Letterman

"The Berlin Wall, very famous. That's where Dick Cheney delivered his famous line, 'Ich bin ein water boarder.'" –David Letterman

"As you know, on Saturday night the House narrowly passed the health-care bill. They said the reason it passed was because Nancy Pelosi didn't blink. But — she hasn't blinked since what, '82?" –Jay Leno

"Actually, to win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them." –Jay Leno

"Now it gets tricky because the bill goes to the Senate, where Senator Lindsey Graham vowed it would be dead on arrival. That's what he said. In fact, right now, Graham is leading a Southern white coalition against the bill called the Graham Crackers." –Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has to protect the President now on a budget. In fact, like, after 5, you know the President just wears a life alert." –Jay Leno

"You know when you see the agents running alongside the car? That's just to save gas now." –Jay Leno

"First lady Michelle Obama appears on ''Sesame Street' to celebrate the show's 40th anniversary. It's going to be a big episode. Yes, sources say the episode gets a little tense when Ernie and Bert ask the first lady why her husband's dragging his feet on gay marriage." –Conan O'Brien

"Glenn Beck had an emergency appendectomy, but he'll be back on the air tomorrow. That's right. However, for his first day back, doctors are warning Glenn to take it easy and only compare Obama to Hitler three times an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Bad news for New York. Governor Paterson, the governor of New York, announced that by the end of the year, New York City will be broke. Yep. So we're going to have to make lots of cuts. The Midtown Tunnel. That will be by appointment only. Call ahead. Let them know you're coming through. Metropolitan Museum has laid off three mummies. And the city temporarily has stopped constructing potholes" –David Letterman

"Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom." –Craig Ferguson

"Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That's what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He'll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Three young Americans have been charged with espionage in Iran after straying into the country while hiking in Iraq. Now, obviously, we all pray for their safe return. But hiking in Iraq? I mean — you know, if you're hiking in Iraq and Iran, you might want to get a you new travel agent. Okay?" –Jay Leno

"Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, who was forced to resign because he used prostitutes, will deliver a lecture tomorrow at the Harvard center for Ethics. Yeah, if you want to check out the speech, it costs $500 for half an hour, $900 if you want to stay for the whole hour." –Jimmy Fallon

Video:
John Stewart catches Fox using different footage to make tea party look bigger:
http://tpmlivewire.talkingpointsmemo.com/2009/11/jon-stewart-catches-fox-using-912-footage-to-make-tea-party-look-bigger.php?ref=mp

November 6

"We wanted Sarah Palin to be on our program and she decided she was going to be on the Oprah program. I'm beginning to think maybe she doesn't like me." –David Letterman

"Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page health care reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96% of Americans. The other 4% would be given bus tickets to Canada." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. ... But to be fair, people do grieve differently" –Jay Leno

"Did you hear this? President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, in a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban." –Conan O'Brien

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien

"After months of the debate, finally a health care reform bill now exists. It's big. The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act. And the bill's official title is actually HR 3692.
3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass." –Jimmy Fallon

But get this, the bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words you guys can understand, that's like 5,622,000 Tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House welcomed students to the South Lawn for the fall harvest of the White House garden. They're saying a hoe hasn't gotten that much action at the White House since the Clinton administration." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new book, President Obama's former campaign manager said that because of Bill Clinton, Hillary was not chosen as Obama's running mate. Yeah, Hillary was very mad at Bill, and in fact, to punish him, she made him move from the couch to their bed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll from CNN found that more than 70% of Americans said that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she heard that, she was like, 'Yeah, but that still leaves 50%.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"President Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House this week, in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack. 'I'm going to go water my tree!' 'Whatever you say, Mr. President.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Do you guys remember when President Obama had a beer with the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him? Well, Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted this week at a pub in Cambridge having a drink. So, this is either great news for race relations or those guys are alcoholics." --Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama admitted that he has had 'bumps in his marriage.' Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Bumps? I would kill for bumps!'" --Conan O'Brien

"And the White House has approved a new plan to pay the Taliban fighters in Afghanistan to switch sides and join the U.S. They're going to pay them to join our side. The program is called Moolah for Mullah." --Jay Leno

"They trick-or-treat down at the White House. And it's more, I guess it is more, it is more trick-or-treater friendly in this administration than it used to be the Bush-Cheney administration. Remember what happened — the trick-or-treaters would come and then Dick Cheney would turn his wolfhounds loose on the kids." –David Letterman

"But the kids coming to the White House with their hands out, I mean, and those were just the auto company executives." –David Letterman

"At the White House on Saturday, the Obama's greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend, we turned the clocks back. Which means Congress had yet another hour not to read the new health care bill before they signed it." –Jay Leno

"According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, 'President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.' They say he'll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting." –Jay Leno

"Reporters are saying President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and now photographs show he has lost a lot of weight. Folks, if this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, 'Arrest Bush' and 'Bush is a war criminal.' Yeah. When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Do you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected president? Amazing, huh? Well, actually, there's been some changes. His new slogan is now, 'Yes, we can, but don't hold your breath.'" –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"Now, why is there a swine flu vaccine shortage? You ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. You know, we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people have been noticing that President Obama is getting very skinny. Have you noticed this? And he is thin. If it wasn't for his ears he'd weigh less than 100 pounds." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Insiders say that Obama has been too busy to eat, which is a problem President Clinton never seemed to have." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That's right. Yeah, and I don't know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here's how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers." –David Letterman

"Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term." –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New Yorker that's not playing for the Yankees?" –Jay Leno

"Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. ... Tthey say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama's one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him." –Jay Leno

"Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list." –Jimmy Fallon