November 20

"Lou Dobbs has quit CNN. And here's the weird part: He didn't want to quit, his work visa expired." –Jay Leno

"Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, 'New York will be broke by Christmas.' Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, 'Christmas? What's your secret? How'd you last so long?'" –Jay Leno

"On Monday, Oprah Winfrey and Sarah Palin will sit down and they're going to talk for an entire hour. And I was thinking, too bad John McCain didn't do that with her before he chose her as his running mate." –David Letterman

" Congressman Barney Frank said yesterday that the military's 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy will be repealed next year. It's going to be replaced by the policy, 'Yeah, we knew.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Big news, Lou Dobbs announced on his show last night that he was leaving CNN. No word on where Dobbs is going to go next, but I think we can all rule out Telemundo." –Jimmy Fallon

"Did you hear this? Germany will send 120 soldiers to northern Afghanistan to help fight the Taliban. And out of habit, France surrendered." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today happens to be Friday the 13th. In fact, this is the third Friday the 13th of 2009 already. I blame Obama for that. We never had three Friday the 13ths under President Bush." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Over the weekend, Liz Cheney hinted that her father, Dick, might run for president in 2012. This news was greeted with cheers, hope and great relief — and that just from the Democrats." –Craig Ferguson

"You know who's coming to New York City? Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is coming here. He's coming to New York City for the big trial, and also, he's promoting his new book, 'Really Going Rogue.'" –David Letterman

"Khalid is looking forward to spewing his fanatical hate in court and also seeing 'Mama Mia!'" –David Letterman

"Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City, says Sarah Palin is 'great for the Republican Party.' Well yeah, that means a lot from the guy who finished fifth." –David Letterman

"President Obama in China this week, or as they call it, the 'People's Republic of Wal-Mart.'" –Jay Leno

"And that community organizer group, ACORN, is now suing Congress, claiming that it was unconstitutional for Congress to cut off their funding. And to prove their case, ACORN has a petition signed by over a million Supreme Court justices." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is everywhere right now. Have you noticed that? This week, Sarah Palin is going to appear on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' 'ABC World News,' 'Nightline,' 'Sean Hannity,' and '20/20.' During all her appearances, Palin will talk about how the media won't leave her alone." –Conan O'Brien

"The other day, Sarah Palin said she'd like to have coffee with Hillary Clinton. Now, Hillary is saying she looks forward to it. The two have agreed to meet at the Never Will Be President Cafe." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama arrived in China yesterday. And to foster the spirit of good will, he wore the traditional clothes made by the children of China. You know, L.L. Bean, J. Crew, Banana Republic, Nike, Reebok." –Jay Leno

"Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that's apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That's exactly what happens." –Jay Leno

"Obama met with the Chinese leaders. They complained about the U.S. economy. And why not? Obama complained about leaky takeout cartons." –David Letterman

"Well, the President is in China now. And he had 71 cars in his motorcade drive from the airport to Beijing. There's one car for the President, two for Secret Service and then 68 for Obama's advisers on the environment." –Jimmy Fallon

"71 cars. Somewhere in the world, Al Gore shed a single tear." –Jimmy Fallon

"They didn't need 71 cars. I mean, trust me. I've been to China. They could fit nine guys on a scooter and still have room for a crate of fish. They got it handled over there." –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? 'The Oxford Dictionary' declared that the 2009 word of the year is 'unfriend.' To unfriend means to completely delete somebody you don't like from your life, or as CNN calls it, 'Lou Dobbs them.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama to run." –Jimmy Kimmel

"[Sarah Palin’s] book is number one on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the number two book. Very scary new book called 'Sarah Palin Becomes President.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Now, some critics are saying President Obama made a faux pas in greeting the emperor of Japan because Obama did the traditional bow but mixed in a handshake. And to make matters worse, Obama then tried to get out of that with an awkward end of a blind date half hug." –Conan O'Brien

"In her new book, 'Going Rogue,' Sarah Palin says she doesn't like vegetarians. Palin says all vegetarians should go back to Vegetaria, where they came from." –Conan O'Brien

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rate is now under 50%. 'Well, welcome to the club,' I said." –David Letterman

"Did you see any of the Sarah Palin on the Oprah show? Wow. She said that she disagrees with Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize. She said she thought it was premature and she said other world leaders, other foreign dignitaries, probably more deserving of that award. Of course, she couldn't name any, but still." –David Letterman

"And Congress now looking at a possible amendment to a bill that would allow passengers to check guns on Amtrak. That's amazing, isn't it? They figured out a way to make Amtrak even more dangerous." –Jay Leno

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, 'Come on, it's not like he's the CEO of Exxon.'" –Conan O'Brien

"It's been announced that President Obama's first state dinner at the White House is going to be held in honor of the prime minister of India. Guests are encouraged to wear black tie and to bring any laptops with tech problems." –Conan O'Brien