November 6

"We wanted Sarah Palin to be on our program and she decided she was going to be on the Oprah program. I'm beginning to think maybe she doesn't like me." –David Letterman

"Washington Democrats unveiled their new 2,000-page health care reform bill today. It would guarantee health coverage for 96% of Americans. The other 4% would be given bus tickets to Canada." –Jay Leno

"A 66-year-old deputy U.S. Attorney General in South Carolina, home of Governor Mark Sanford. You know him. The guy's name is Roland Corning. He's lost his job, got fired, after police discovered him in a cemetery with an 18-year-old stripper, a bag of sex toys, and a bottle of Viagra. ... But to be fair, people do grieve differently" –Jay Leno

"Did you hear this? President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, in a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban." –Conan O'Brien

"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien

"After months of the debate, finally a health care reform bill now exists. It's big. The new bill is called the Affordable Health Care for America Act. And the bill's official title is actually HR 3692.
3692, of course, stands for the year they expect the bill to pass." –Jimmy Fallon

But get this, the bill is 1,990 pages long. To put that into words you guys can understand, that's like 5,622,000 Tweets." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House welcomed students to the South Lawn for the fall harvest of the White House garden. They're saying a hoe hasn't gotten that much action at the White House since the Clinton administration." –Jimmy Fallon

"In a new book, President Obama's former campaign manager said that because of Bill Clinton, Hillary was not chosen as Obama's running mate. Yeah, Hillary was very mad at Bill, and in fact, to punish him, she made him move from the couch to their bed." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new poll from CNN found that more than 70% of Americans said that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president in 2012. When she heard that, she was like, 'Yeah, but that still leaves 50%.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression." -David Letterman

"President Obama planted a tree on the north lawn of the White House this week, in a spot where Bush planted one that did not take. Apparently, nobody had the heart to tell Bush that his tree was actually a coat rack. 'I'm going to go water my tree!' 'Whatever you say, Mr. President.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Do you guys remember when President Obama had a beer with the Harvard professor and the police officer who arrested him? Well, Henry Louis Gates and James Crowley were spotted this week at a pub in Cambridge having a drink. So, this is either great news for race relations or those guys are alcoholics." --Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, President Obama admitted that he has had 'bumps in his marriage.' Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Bumps? I would kill for bumps!'" --Conan O'Brien

"And the White House has approved a new plan to pay the Taliban fighters in Afghanistan to switch sides and join the U.S. They're going to pay them to join our side. The program is called Moolah for Mullah." --Jay Leno

"They trick-or-treat down at the White House. And it's more, I guess it is more, it is more trick-or-treater friendly in this administration than it used to be the Bush-Cheney administration. Remember what happened — the trick-or-treaters would come and then Dick Cheney would turn his wolfhounds loose on the kids." –David Letterman

"But the kids coming to the White House with their hands out, I mean, and those were just the auto company executives." –David Letterman

"At the White House on Saturday, the Obama's greeted trick-or-treaters. They gave them either M&Ms with the presidential seal on them or dried fruit. The dried fruit went to the kids who said their parents worked at Fox News." –Jay Leno

"This weekend, we turned the clocks back. Which means Congress had yet another hour not to read the new health care bill before they signed it." –Jay Leno

"According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, 'President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.' They say he'll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting." –Jay Leno

"Reporters are saying President Obama has been skipping meals lately, and now photographs show he has lost a lot of weight. Folks, if this is true, then maybe Obama really has lost touch with the American people." –Conan O'Brien

"Former President Bush is in Japan, and he was met with protesters carrying signs that said, 'Arrest Bush' and 'Bush is a war criminal.' Yeah. When he saw the signs, Bush said, 'Thanks for making me feel at home. Appreciate it.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Do you believe it's been a year since Barack Obama was elected president? Amazing, huh? Well, actually, there's been some changes. His new slogan is now, 'Yes, we can, but don't hold your breath.'" –Jay Leno

"Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, scolded Pakistan leaders for not going after Al Qaeda and just pretending that they didn't see a problem that everyone else in the world could see. Ouch. How about that, huh? Imagine, Hillary Clinton lecturing you on turning a blind eye to a problem that the rest of the world could see." –Jay Leno

"Now, why is there a swine flu vaccine shortage? You ever notice in this country, we never seem to run out of illegal drugs. You know, we should pay the guys who make crystal meth to start making this stuff." –Jay Leno

"A lot of people have been noticing that President Obama is getting very skinny. Have you noticed this? And he is thin. If it wasn't for his ears he'd weigh less than 100 pounds." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Insiders say that Obama has been too busy to eat, which is a problem President Clinton never seemed to have." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday was election day and the people of New Jersey elected a new governor. That's right. Yeah, and I don't know how he did it, but congratulations to newly elected New Jersey Governor, Hamid Karzai." –Conan O'Brien

"There's a new book that's coming out about Sarah Palin. And the book contains a copy of the speech she would have given if John McCain had won and she had became vice president. Yeah. The speech is entitled, 'Uh-oh.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Big losses for the Democrats in the elections. Here's how bad it was for the Democrats — earlier today, the Democratic Party was begging Rush Limbaugh for pain killers." –David Letterman

"Well, congratulations to New York city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the purchase of his third term." –Jay Leno

"Bloomberg spent $100 million to get re-elected. Do you realize that is the most money ever spent on a New Yorker that's not playing for the Yankees?" –Jay Leno

"Some pictures of President Obama posted on the internet seem to show the President looking very thin. ... Tthey say he looks too thin, but White House docs say not to worry, Barack Obama's one of those guys who can eat whatever he wants and still not gain weight. Yet another reason for Rush Limbaugh to hate him." –Jay Leno

"Over in Washington, President Obama called and congratulated Republican Bob McDonnell today after he won the governorship in Virginia. Obama then moved Virginia to the bottom of the swine flu vaccine waiting list." –Jimmy Fallon