December 23

"Well, according to MSNBC, President Obama's approval rating has now dipped below 50 percent. To tell you how bad it is, people are now finding ways to sneak out of the White House." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and listen to this. It happened yet again last month. A Georgia couple showed up a day early for a tour at the White House — you know, just regular folks. Showed up to tour the White House, somehow wound up in an invitation-only breakfast with President Obama and the First Lady. Isn't that amazing? The only two people that couldn't get in the White House this year were John McCain and Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's good news, I think. The Democrats down in Washington believe they have 60 votes to pass a health care bill. That's 58 Democrats and the Salahis. They're going to go in there and vote." –David Letterman

"Anybody going over to Denmark for the world global climate conference thing in Copenhagen? Yeah, I know. I'm going too. Here's the idea. It's got to be every country on the planet working together. And the United States is doing its part. And today, as a matter of fact, Barack Obama was talking to the Netherlands. He said, 'Here's the deal. You send us a windmill and we'll send you Joe Lieberman.'" –David Letterman

"Senior New York Senator Chuck Schumer was on an airplane, and they were flying someplace. And they landed. He called one of the flight attendants a 'bitch.' Apparently, there was some ugliness. There were words exchanged. And it got heated and at one point the argument was so loud, it actually woke up the pilot." –David Letterman

"Hey, this is interesting. After somebody threw a tomato at Sarah Palin during a book signing at the Mall of America, she went to another signing at a Costco in Utah, where they took all the tomatoes off the shelves. So instead she got hit by a three pound bag of frozen spinach ravioli." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't know what to make out of this. NASA is in the process of trying to convert human waste into fuel. Man, talk about pressure to go on command, right? 'Come on, Barry, just pee. We got to get back to Earth, man.' 'I can't do it. Everyone is staring at me, man. Stop looking at me.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Sarah Palin was photographed in Hawaii this week wearing a 'McCain for President' visor, but she had blacked out the letters of her former running mate's name. She was going to black out all of it, but halfway through, she quit." -Seth Meyers

"In Washington, it looks like the Senate is almost done with the healthcare bill. Otherwise known as the Joe Lieberman Insurance Company Preservation Act." –Jay Leno

"Sources close to Tiger Woods say that he's spending his days now eating cereal and watching cartoons. In other words, Tiger Woods has gone from living every man's fantasy life, to living every man's real life." –Conan O'Brien

"The latest rumor is that Tiger Woods' wife has decided to divorce him. Apparently, she realized that once she's single she'll have a better chance of sleeping with Tiger Woods." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had some tough words for congressmen who aren't backing his healthcare bill. He told Rep. Peter DeFazio, 'Don't think we're not keeping score, brother.' Then he took a minute to introduce is new speechwriter — Hulk Hogan." –Jimmy Fallon

"That's pretty amazing, isn't that snowstorm? I mean, President Obama spends one day in Copenhagen, global warming is solved. It is over." –Jay Leno

"Of course, the storm is the big story, it is unbelievable. It actually paralyzed Washington more than Joe Lieberman. In fact, there was so much white powder in D.C., people thought Marion Barry was mayor again." –Jay Leno

"Meteorologists are calling this a record blizzard, which makes sense if you think about it. Republicans have always said that the Senate would pass health care when hell freezes over, and apparently, it has!" –Jay Leno


"The Senate's health care bill is expected to pass on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Because, really, what's more American than waiting until Christmas Eve to finally wrap something up?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees." –Jimmy Fallon

"I saw this today. President Obama said, 'The federal government can no longer spend taxpayers' money like it's Monopoly money.' Especially since now, Monopoly money is actually more valuable than the dollar." –Jimmy Fallon

Finally, About.com has a list of funniest political videos of the year. Enjoy!
Videos of the year

December 18

"Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition." –Craig Ferguson

"It's a great day for President Barack Obama. He accepted a Nobel Peace Prize in Norway. I don't want to say this Obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize just won a Pulitzer Prize, and his overall performance has just won an Oscar." –Craig Ferguson

"Big day for President Obama. He accepted his Nobel Prize today and then got right back to the business of running two wars." –David Letterman

"Well, according to Time magazine, even though college degrees costs more today, they're worth less in the job market, which is hard to believe, isn't it? There's a job market?" –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll that just came out, 44 percent of Americans wish President Bush were back in office. However it's only 20 percent if you exclude comedy writers." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Barack Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after Tiger Woods was crowned by a swede." –Jay Leno

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the Global Warming Summit, make sure to cap your emissions." –Seth Meyers

"During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, 'I'm the president, but he's the boss.' At which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This should be interesting. President Obama announced that he will hold a meeting at a Home Depot in Washington, D.C., tomorrow to discuss energy saving techniques, although everyone expects the meeting to get a little late start after the Home Depot employee sends him to the wrong aisle. 'President meeting? That's in aisle five, I think. It might be aisle six. You know, it's not my department. I don't know.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Hey, did you hear about those five American Muslims who went to Pakistan and tried to join up and become terrorists with al Qaeda? Well, they got rejected. Al Qaeda rejected them — this is true — because they lacked the proper credentials and references. Isn't that unbelievable? Do you realize it's harder to get into al Qaeda than it is to get into the White House? That is wrong. Ridiculous!" –Jay Leno

"Santa Claus, as you know, has a plan to fly around the world to deliver toys to all the good little boys and girls. Unfortunately, it's being blocked right now by Joe Lieberman." –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? She is now saying that global warming is a conspiracy. Doesn't believe it is true, even though she can see the polar ice cap melting from her house. Maybe she really doesn't read all the newspapers." –David Letterman

"Huge protest and hundreds of climate change conference in Denmark. At one point, it got so bad the police played an Al Gore speech over the loud speaker just to sedate the crowd." –Jay Leno

"Good news, ladies and gentlemen. Retail sales this year are up. That is fantastic news for the economy of China." –David Letterman

"This is the time of the year Time magazine announces their person of the year. You know who it is this year? The chairman of the Fed, Ben Bernanke. All right, girls, please, settle down, O.K.! He's not here, all right?" –David Letterman

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And the Golden Globe nominations came out yesterday. President Obama picked up a nomination for best Democrat acting like a Republican. So, congratulations." –Jay Leno

"Well, according to our NBC affiliate in Wilmington, North Carolina, former Democratic presidential candidate John 'I am not the father' Edwards has reportedly bought a home for his former mistress. See, that's why John Edwards thinks there are two Americas. He's got two different women living in two different houses." –Jay Leno

"Anyway, he bought a house for the woman he was having an affair with. Imagine if Tiger Woods started doing that. You could jump-start the housing market like that, and put millions of people back to work." –Jay Leno

Video of the week:
Obama’s Socialist Christmas Ornament Program

December 11

"President Obama and the Democratic majority in Congress are now assembling a new jobs package. The area with the most job openings? White House security." –Jay Leno

"This week, America's last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's a very bizarre story. People act strangely this time of year. In Toledo, Ohio, a man attacked a Salvation Army bell ringer, grabbed his red kettle, threw it in the back of his truck, yelled, 'I hate Christmas,' and drove off. Here's my question. What is Dick Cheney doing in Toledo, Ohio?" –Jay Leno

"It's been reported that President Obama's speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC's new shows, 'Afghanistan's Got Talent,' 'Law & Order: Kabul,' and 'The Tonight Show With Hamid O'Karzai.'" –Conan O’Brien

"During an interview Tuesday on the 'Today' show, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who crashed the Obama administration's first state dinner, said the ensuing media firestorm has destroyed everything we worked for, but then they remembered they have never worked for anything." –Seth Meyers

"The tea party nation announced last week that Sarah Palin will headline what is being called the first national tea party convention in February. It is expected to be the nation's largest ever gathering of misspelled signs." –Seth Meyers

"Police in Texas seized a shipment of ecstasy pills this week shaped like President Obama's face. The drug is characterized by a brief powerful high followed by a long, slow comedown." –Seth Meyers

"The unemployment numbers came out and even though the unemployment rate went down slightly, seven million fewer people are employed compared to last year. The one positive outcome: seven million fewer people will be subjected to an office Christmas party this year." -Jimmy Fallon


"Tell the truth. How many of you folks are here tonight in the Ed Sullivan Theater because you couldn't sneak into the White House?" –David Letterman

"Honestly, how many of you — the Salahis. They had a big state dinner for the guy and all of a sudden there's a lovely young couple there. Nobody has any idea who they are. 'Oh, hello. How do you do, nice to see you.' It's the Salahis — nobody knows who they are, nobody cares who they are, they weren't invited, nobody wants them there. Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush." –David Letterman

"According to the CIA, Osama bin Laden periodically sneaks into Afghanistan. Well, a guy's got to have fun! You know what I mean? What happens in Kabul stays in Kabul." –Conan O'Brien

"How about the couple that sneaked into the White House for the big state dinner? Now, they're going to be subpoenaed by the House Homeland Security committee. And I thought, well finally, they're being invited somewhere." –David Letterman

"But I mean honestly, you can't blame the Salahis for going where they're not invited. I mean, isn't that our foreign policy?" –David Letterman

"You know, the global warming? They're having the big summit in Copenhagen, and it's being held this month over there in Denmark. Climate experts are telling us now that this has been the warmest decade in history. The good news is they're able to move the global warming conference outdoors." –David Letterman

"But in terms of the temperature, going up and up and up, we are making some progress. Today over there at the conference in Copenhagen, they put a cap on the number of hot girlfriends for Tiger Woods. That's going to cool things off a little bit." –David Letterman

"Looks like the Obama administration is expanding the CIA's controversial use of pilotless aircraft flying over Pakistan. See, what is controversial about that? We've got pilotless Northwest planes flying over Minneapolis." –Jay Leno

"And according to The Globe, Levi Johnston, you know the idiot? He's writing his memoirs. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron to help him."

"This is interesting. A letter written by Thomas Jefferson in 1808 has been discovered at the University of Delaware. It's a personal letter thanking John McCain for his support in the election of 1804." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Minnesota, a man was arrested because he threw two tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Security immediately arrested the guy and gave him his own show on MSNBC." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of the budget, in his speech on the economy, President Obama said that we have to 'continue to spend our way out' of the recession. Now, I don't know much about economics, but aren't we like a trillion dollars in debt? Spending our way out of the recession? Isn't that like trying to drink your way out of alcoholism? I'm just saying." –Jay Leno

"Rush Limbaugh says black people are depressed because President Obama isn't doing a very good job. That proving, once again, that no one has their finger on the pulse of the African-American community like Rush Limbaugh." –Conan O'Brien

"Congress was hard at work today trying to come up with a fair playoff system for college football. Congress was working on this. Meanwhile, the NCAA spent the afternoon kicking around ideas for how to win the war in Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"They were like, the real issue wasn't health care, two wars and unemployment, it's who gets to play in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl." –Jimmy Fallon

Video of the week:
White House Party Crashers on SNL:

December 4

"Hey, this is absolutely true. There's an organization now called 'Draft Dick Cheney for President, 2012.' Yeah. Good luck with that. They tried to draft Dick Cheney five times during Vietnam. That didn't work." –Jay Leno

"The man who crashed the White House state dinner, his name is Tareq Salahi. You know, just with that name alone, you think they would have strip-searched the guy." –Jay Leno

"This Friday, the official Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list." –Conan O'Brien

"Of course you've been hearing about them, the couple who crashed the White House state dinner. They were supposed to be on 'Larry King Live' tonight, but they canceled their appearance. Apparently, they didn't feel right showing up to a place where they were actually invited." –Conan O'Brien

"A top Iranian official says Iran had no intention of building new nuclear facilities until they were recently criticized by the U.N. It's all a part of the country's official motto, 'Iran, we're 5 years old!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are upset about President Obama's prime time speech tonight because it bumped ABC's airing of 'A Charlie Brown Christmas,' or as Fox News reported it, 'Obama ruins Christmas for a depressed bald kid.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking from West Point, NY, the President announced he will send 30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan over the next six months and 2,000 additional troops to Tiger Woods's mansion in Orlando. Peacekeeping forces." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This Tiger Woods thing has had an effect on a lot of people. In fact, earlier today, Elizabeth Edwards went out and bought a new set of golf clubs." –Jay Leno

"President Obama gave his speech last night at West Point. He was going to give it at the White House, but he wanted some place with better security." –Jay Leno

"You know what we should do? Get rid of the Secret Service, bring in some nightclub bouncers." –Jay Leno

"New reports on Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue' bus tour. They say she's been traveling on private planes to various stops and then just hops in the bus at the local town. So, let's see what you got. You have Sarah Palin, who's no longer governor, who's promoting a book she didn't actually write by going on a bus tour which is not really a bus. Her big complaint? Politicians who aren't real." –Jay Leno

"I watched Oprah interview Sarah Palin a couple weeks ago. Spent a whole hour talking to her. And I realized, if John McCain had done that, we never would have heard of Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"This is interesting. A list of this year's 15 most commonly used words has been released. And it includes H1N1, deficit and health care. Not making the list this year, Chrysler-mania." –Conan O'Brien

Video of the Week:
Colbert fixes Obama’s speech on Afghanistan.