April 24

"Well, here's no surprise, Exxon has earned the top spot in the new 2009 Fortune 500 list. Last year, Exxon took in -- this is an unbelievable number -- $443 billion in revenue, and made a profit of $45 billion. You know, here's my question: why not have Exxon bail out the car companies? I mean, one can't live without the other, right?" --Jay Leno

"So many newspapers all across the country are going out of business. It's pretty scary, so congratulations to The New York Times this week, which this week won five Pulitzer Prizes. I read about it online on Google News." --Jay Leno

"And as the economy lags, the Army is getting more and more selective now. The Army announced this week they will no longer accept drug addicts and felons. But the good news is there's always Congress, the NFL, and show business." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was." --Jay Leno

"A journalist from Playboy magazine attempted to withstand 15 seconds of waterboarding. And he's going to write all about it in an article that no one will ever read." --Craig Ferguson

"There's been a lot of talk lately about lifting the trade embargo in Cuba. President Obama says he understands that a relationship that has been frozen for this long won't thaw out overnight, to which Hillary said, 'Tell me about it!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to, Texas." --Jay Leno

"Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to 'The New York Times,' which won five Pulitzer Prizes today, including one for breaking the call girl scandal that ended Eliot Spitzer's career. And Spitzer won a prize for fiction, for the story he told his wife about the affair." --Jay Leno

"And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants." --Jay Leno

"Well, recently, that evil Hugo Chavez from Venezuela slipped President Obama a book that is printed in Spanish. But President Obama does not read or speak Spanish. It would be like handing George W. Bush any book." --David Letterman

"It's hot here today in L.A. In fact, it was so hot, I called up the CIA and begged to be waterboarded." --Craig Ferguson

"It's 'Green Is Universal' week here at NBC and we're part doing our part here at 'Late Night.' In fact, the whole monologue tonight is recycled from Friday's show." --Jimmy Fallon

"Congratulations to Miss North Carolina, Kristen Dalton, who won the Miss USA pageant last night. So, I guess Republicans now have a V.P. candidate for 2012." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard in the Meeting Between Barack Obama and Hugo Chavez
10. Donde esta 'el Presidente dumb-ass'?
9. Sorry, Mr. President, they don't sell Marlboros here.
8. Let's get a picture of you shaking hands with Hugo Chavez to really piss off Rush Limbaugh.
7. Mr. Chavez, I have a book for you, too -- Artie Lange's "Too Fat To Fish."
6. Does this breakup mean Lindsay Lohan is back to dating guys?
5. Remember, you can't spell Hugo without "hug."
4. I can't believe they killed Edie on "Desperate Housewives."
3. Does Biden really think he's fooling anybody with those plugs?
2. I think there's one thing we can both agree on -- there's a new star in the
Hollywood galaxy by the name of Zac Efron.
1. Is it too late for me to buy your Senate seat?

"Texas Governor Rick Perry said the state of Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to. Is that what we need, another foreign country on our southern border speaking a language we don't understand? Come on!" --Jay Leno

"Former President Bush wasted no time responding to this. He said, 'Wow, does that mean I get to be president again?'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama is visiting Mexico this week, where he's talking to President Calderon about poverty, drugs and violence. When he's done with that, he plans on talking about the problems in Mexico, too." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the United States is now ready to talk to Cuba. You know what that means? Apparently, we are already interviewing replacements for Texas." --Jay Leno

"It's being reported a congressional aide caught a staph infection at the Congressional gym. Hey, let me tell you something. If that's all you catch from a congressman, consider yourself lucky." --Jay Leno

"Let me ask you something. Did you even know there was a Congressional gym? Have you seen your average congressman? Does Barney Frank look like he's been to the gym to you? No. I don't know who's using it." --Jay Leno

"Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'" --Jay Leno

"A 13-year-old boy in Peoria, Illinois, has been arrested and accused of robbing a bank. Well, the kid is obviously young and naive. He still thinks banks have money. You know how he got caught? ... He was Twittering 'I'm currently robbing a bank.'" --Jay Leno

"Nieman Marcus announced they're selling a diamond-studded dog collar for $3.2 million. Well, finally, it's nice to see one big company that's not out of touch with mainstream America." --Jay Leno

"More bad economic news. Southwest Airlines announced they lost $91 million in the first quarter. Now they say they're going to have to start cutting back. Cutting back? Have you ever flown Southwest, huh? What, are they taking the glass out of the windows?" --Jay Leno

"The Obama family finally got their dog, a Portuguese water dog. And they have named the dog Bo. And so far, the training of the house-breaking has gone pretty well. The dog has not made any messes, not chewed any furniture. So already he's ahead of Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Bobby Jindal, the Republican governor of Louisiana, criticized Dick Cheney today, saying that he shouldn't question Obama's patriotism. In response, Cheney said, 'I respect your opinion. That's cool. Hey, would you like to go on a hunting trip this week?'" --Jimmy Fallon

"We have a new 'border czar.' His job is to make sure nobody sneaks into the United States from Texas." --Jay Leno

"Do you know about this? Texas Gov. Rick Perry fired up an anti-tax tea party this week by saying that Texas has the right to secede from the Union if it wants to. And former President Bush, who now lives in Texas, is of course against the idea. Bush said if Texas leaves the Union, they'll be a foreign country, 'like Alaska and Hawaii.'" --Jay Leno

"But on the plus side, if Texas did secede from the Union, we could then invade them for the oil." --Jay Leno

"President Obama's now in Mexico. He has already met with the FWEA, the Future Wal-Mart Employees of America." --Jay Leno

"And, you know, Obama is the consummate politician. You see him trying to appeal to the Mexican people? Like, he even changed his slogan to 'Yes, we Mexi-can.' That's what he said today." --Jay Leno

"Newsweek magazine reports that the reason there are so many of these pirate hijackings is that the shipping companies have decided it's cheaper just to pay a ransom than to change the shipping route to sail out of the pirates' way. So even though these are evil crooks, we give them the money anyway. It's the same way the bank bailout works." --Jay Leno

"The state of California says that singer Dionne Warwick owes $2.2 million in back taxes. I feel kind of sorry for her. I mean, if there had only been some sort of group or network of psychics she could have consulted with." --Jay Leno

"And New York Governor David Paterson announced that he will support legalizing gay marriage in New York. Well, you can understand why New York politicians are for this. Let's look at the problems. I mean, David Paterson and his affair, Eliot Spitzer with the hookers, Hillary and Bill. Straight marriages obviously don't work in New York. Let's try the gay thing." --Jay Leno

"George W. Bush has reportedly landed a $7 million book deal. The book will be about his years as president and is tentatively called 'Decision Point,' because every time Bush had to make a decision, he would point to Cheney." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure." --Jon Stewart

"Well, Happy Earth Day, everybody. Yes. Today is Earth Day, or as the oil companies call it, Wednesday." --Jay Leno

"Hey, I thought this was nice. To celebrate Earth Day, a group of schoolchildren in Washington each planted a hair plug in Joe Biden's head." --Jay Leno

"Even Dick Cheney was into Earth Day. Did you see what he said today? He called for the use of only recycled water when waterboarding prisoners." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's an interesting study. Researchers in Britain announced today that global warming is caused in part by overweight people. They say obese people release more carbon dioxide into the air. No, this is real. This is real. See, all this time you used to think it was caused by coal-burning factories. Turns out it was Cheesecake Factories." --Jay Leno

"Next month in Toronto, Canada, former President George W. Bush will debate former President Bill Clinton. The question of the debate -- is it worse to lie to your wife or lie to the entire country?" --Jay Leno

"No, this is big. They're billing the debate as 'the corn dog versus the horn dog.'" --Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush said today he does not remember seeing any of those torture memos. But to be fair, to Bush, any memo on his desk was torture. 'I'm not readin' that.'" --Jay Leno

"During an interview with The New York Post, Rudy Giuliani said that he is against gay marriage. He feels marriage should be between a man, a woman, the other woman, and the other woman he met after that." --Jay Leno

"The Justice Department says they want to make an example of this Somali pirate guy. And I thought, really? In terms of making an example, I don't think you can do much better than shooting the other three guys in the head." --David Letterman

"Speaking of things like that, classified documents that were recently released show that Dick Cheney, who a couple of years ago went nuts and shot a guy, ordered Khalid Shaikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times. When do you suppose Mohammed caught on and said, 'I know this is just horse play'?" --David Letterman

"But anyway, they waterboarded Mohammed 183 times, and thanks to the information they got from this guy, via waterboarding, we were able to capture bin Laden." --David Letterman

"But Dick Cheney is now criticizing President Obama, and he's saying that his recent actions around the world are 'disturbing' and 'not helpful.' Yeah, yeah, things were so much better when Cheney was president, weren't they?" --David Letterman

"Do you remember Eliot Spitzer, who was governor of New York? He had to stop being the governor of New York because he enjoyed prostitutes. Well, now, he's talking about running again for governor in 2010. He also said he's looking forward to spending less time with his family." --David Letterman

"Even Eliot Spitzer is all excited about Earth Day. He was on the West Side Highway picking up trash earlier today. I believe her name was Rhonda." --David Letterman

"Happy Earth Day to everyone. President Obama celebrated Earth Day by flying his enormous plane to Iowa today to visit a wind power plant. There was a huge crowd on hand to greet him, partly to hear him talk about the importance of reducing our dependency on fossil fuels and partly to show their kids what a black person looks like." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night Roundup April 17

Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for America's first family. The Obamas finally got their puppy. Apparently, it took a long time because Obama had to find a dog that's paid all its back taxes.

David Letterman
They had a big Easter egg hunt in Central Park yesterday. And the kids, as usual, were great at finding stuff. They ought to send them out looking for bin Laden, that's what they ought to do.

And today, they had the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. They always have it on Monday after Easter. But this year, because of the economy, they almost had to cancel the Easter egg roll. At the last minute, though, the United States government borrowed a billion eggs from China.

I'm glad you folks are here. We had a tough crowd last night. In fact, right in the middle of the show, I had to be rescued by Navy Seals.

Anybody been to the New York Auto Show this week? I'll tell you, I'm worried about the American automobile industry. Are you a little worried about the auto industry? Even the cars, the American cars, when you see them at the automobile show there on the turntable, they are only getting eight miles to the gallon.

How about that Obama dog? They got a new dog. Yeah, a little Portuguese water dog. And the dog, as you would expect, is not house broken yet. In fact, earlier today, he left a bigger mess in the Oval Office than Bush did.

And the mayor of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg, is going to outlaw cab drivers talking on cell phones. And are you like me? Do you hate it when you are in a taxicab and the driver is twittering the Taliban? Awful.

I heard this coming out here a few minutes ago. Apparently, Rush Limbaugh's dog said it hopes that Obama's dog fails.

But the good news is we have a new White House dog, a Portuguese water dog named Bo. So welcome to the White House, Bo. Actually, Bo has only been there a couple of days, but he is already very busy. Earlier today, Bo hosted a luncheon for former White House dogs.

Jay Leno
You know, it's interesting, I tell you. We were off last week. And I have to admit when I first heard that a pirate in Africa had grabbed someone hostage, I thought, 'Boy, Madonna is really committed to that adoption.'

And speaking of naval heroes, we have one on the show here tonight. Senator John McCain. Let me tell you something, McCain knows a thing or two about battling pirates, because, as a young man, he led the crew that sank the famous pirate Blackbeard's ship.

Anyway, U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder tried to put all this in perspective. He said this is the first act of piracy against the United States literally 'in hundreds of years.' Well, if you don't count AIG, of course.

Speaking of that, the New York Post says that Bernard Madoff's wife, Ruth Madoff, may go back to using her maiden name. But I don't know if that's going to work because her maiden name is bin Laden.

Of course, the big story is that the Obamas got their new puppy! How about that, huh? On Fox News, they declared that the dog is a Muslim socialist.

This Wednesday, April 15th, taxes are due, but people who work for President Obama are busy doing their taxes for 1998, '99, 2000.

Well, you know, Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the Somali pirates were all 'untrained teenagers with heavy weapons,' or as we call them in this country, rap stars.

And today, President Obama gave a speech on the economy, saying there would be more pain now, but hope later, to which pro basketball's Los Angeles Clippers said, 'Hey, that's our slogan.'

Scientists from the University of Padova, in Italy, announced this week that baby chicks have the ability to do basic arithmetic and can add basic numbers together. You know, it's bad enough our public school kids can't compete with kids in China and Japan. Now we're losing to poultry in Italy? This is bad.

A lot of protests today. Thousands of people had these tea parties, during which they protested higher taxes. But here in LA, it was called the Green Herbal Double Decaf Tea Party.

President Obama should get a big refund this year because he has a lot of dependents. AIG, Citibank, Morgan Stanley -- all dependents.

And as you know, that captain of the merchant ship that was held captive by three Somali pirates was rescued when the pirates were shot and killed by a group of Navy Seals. President Obama authorized the military to use any force necessary to accomplish this. And today, the CEOs of Ford, Chrysler and GM said, 'We'll build any car you want.'

And, according to the U.S. Labor Department, because of the recession, the number of unemployed lawyers in this country has hit a ten-year high. So, see, there is a silver lining in all of this.

In Arlington, Virginia, the Environmental Protection Agency is holding something called the National Bed Bug Summit. Health officials are going to offer advice on how to combat the growing problem of bed bugs. And it's being held in Arlington's Crystal City Sheraton Hotel. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, okay? When a Sheraton hotel is thrilled to be hosting the bed bug summit. 'Hey, be sure to come back in June for the big head lice symposium.'

Jimmy Fallon
I saw this today. President Obama gave a major speech on the economy and, once again, he promised Americans change, specifically pennies, nickels, dimes, and stuff like that.

General Motors is recalling 1.5 million vehicles, because they say the engines could catch on fire. Well, luckily, no one bought any of them.

Jimmy Kimmel
This pirates stuff is unbelievable, but the Obama administration is getting high marks for the way they handled the rescue situation this weekend, or the military did. But with all the problems we have right now, who would have guessed that on top of everything else our new president would have to deal with pirates? What's next? A dragon?

Jon Stewart
This is like the Boston tea party for people that decided, let's say, I don't know, two and a half months ago, that they didn't want to pay taxes anymore. The tea party is just a metaphor [on screen: a Fox News reporter pointing to boxes at one of the tea parties containing a million tea bags]. Let me get this straight. To protest wasteful spending, you bought a million tea bags. Are you protesting taxes or irony?

Seth Meyers
President Obama made a surprise visit to Iraq this week where he declared it is time for Iraqis to take responsibility for their country. Said Iraqis, 'You guys first.'

Stephen Colbert
The number one threat: President Obama. Now folks, we all know how he greeted Saudi King Abdullah. [on screen: reports of Obama bowing, 'something no other President has done]. Exactly! The president cannot debase himself and our country by bowing in front of the Saudi King. You hold his hand, kiss his cheek, and reorient our entire foreign policy of the last 20 years around securing his oil deposits [on screen: photos of George W. Bush with Abdullah]. As for you, King Abdullah: looking good, keep that gas under two bucks a gallon and you can turn the Lincoln Memorial into a camel stall.

Friday Funnies 4/10

Bill Maher

Conservatives aren't happy with Obama because he basically fired the CEO of General Motors, and they said he's interfering with private industry's ability to run our country into the ground.

He was the 11th U.S. President Queen Elizabeth has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse.

David Letterman

The economy is horrible, isn't it? Just horrible. Every day there are little reminders that jump right in your face and remind you how bad the economy is. This morning, I wake up, I go downstairs. The Starbucks that was in my living room has closed. I go to Barnes and Noble, every book on sale in Barnes and Noble begins on Chapter 11. My retirement fund has lost so much value, it's now a 401K-Mart.

Jay Leno

President Obama and the First Lady met with Queen Elizabeth and the royal family at Buckingham Palace. Actually, you know why they did that? This is all part of Obama's campaign to reach out to those people without any real jobs.

Yesterday, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama met the Queen of England. As a gift, they gave the Queen an iPod. I guess she can use that while she's jogging. And she likes it. She said it's so much easier to use than that giant boom box she used to carry around.

So they gave the Queen an iPod. I remember when British Prime Minister Gordon Brown was here, the Obamas gave him a DVD box set. So, it looks like they're saving the big gift, the Nintendo, for the Pope.

And the U.S. government has launched a Web site to help people deal emotionally with this economic crisis. The site is for people who experience depression, crying, and anxiety. In fact, the first person to log on the Web site was Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner.

A lot of Americans don't understand the role of the queen. The queen is merely a figurehead. She wields no real political power. Or, as we call it in this country, the vice president.

People in England are lining up by the thousands to see President Obama, because this is really different for them. They've never seen someone like him — a 47-year-old man with a full set of perfect teeth.

And the press is going crazy over First Lady Michelle Obama. They say she is the reason for the sleeveless fashion trend that is sweeping Europe. But President Bush spoke about this today. He said he is appalled by it. He said, 'Sleeveless? How does she wipe her nose?'

At the big G-20 summit, President Obama met with the Chinese president, and they had the traditional exchanging of gifts. The Chinese do that. They exchange gifts. President Hu Jintao gave President Obama a gift made in China, and President Obama gave Hu a gift from America made in China.

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on federal corruption charges. Reporters caught up with him while he was at Disney World. He still maintains he did nothing wrong. He made that statement in Fantasy Land.

Protesters in London tried to disrupt the G20 summit. One bank was overrun with anti-money demonstrators. And they kept shouting, 'Abolish money!' Luckily, they were beaten back by an outraged Heather Mills.

Jimmy Fallon

The Taliban has decided to modernize a little bit. They're going to stop measuring the lengths of mens' beards. I'm proud of those guys.

The Taliban will no longer require women to wear those burkas while in public. Spring Break! Let's see those ankles!

Hey, you know that new X-Men movie, 'Wolverine,' that's coming out this summer? The F.B.I. is investigating it. There's an HD version that was leaked online. As soon as the F.B.I. solves the case, they'll get back to looking for bin Laden.

Seth Meyers

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg praised Reverend Al Sharpton, calling him a calming influence on the city. Wow! What are the odds of a city having two reverends named Al Sharpton?

This week, President Obama attended what was either the G-20 summit or his high school reunion. I haven't seen old white dudes this excited about meeting a black guy since Michael Jordan's fantasy camp.

Michelle Obama was photographed in London wearing clothes from J-Crew, the store is selling out of the clothes she's been wearing. Now if someone could just get her to drive a Chrysler.

When the president met with Queen Elizabeth, he presented her with an iPod loaded with Broadway show tunes while she gave him a silver framed picture of her and Prince Phillip. There were no winners in that gift exchange, because when I think of things an 83-year-old, super-rich British woman would want, an iPod is pretty far down the list, right between a bus pass and sneakers with the wheels on the bottom.

And when I think of what a 47-year-old, super-cool black dude would want, a picture of an 83-year-old white lady is last. Now I'm not saying it's easy to buy the Queen a gift. She wears the same outfit every day and her only hobby is waving.

John Stewart

Watch his segment on Baracknophobia:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/04/08/baracknophobia-hannity-ba_n_184568.html

Friday Funnies 4/3/09

"I have a plan to end the war in both Iraq and Afghanistan. Here's what we do. We bring all our soldiers home. We send in our investment bankers. They'll screw up the place in six months. Six months!" --Jay Leno

"A construction worker from Queens, New York, used Bernard Madoff's prison number to play the lottery and won. The guy won $1,500. Bernard Madoff, of course, is in prison for luring money from rich people in a giant scam that promised to make them richer. But don't confuse him with the state lottery, which lures money away from poor people in a giant scam that promises to make them richer." --Jay Leno

"President Obama has made his prediction for the Final Four. He made his prediction today. The only ones left standing after next week will be Citigroup, Chase, Bank of America and Morgan Stanley." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I watched 'Iron Chef' the other night. You know what the secret ingredient was? Government cheese." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, on 'Sesame Street,' they won't even talk about letters 'A,' 'I,' or 'G' anymore." --Jay Leno

"Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson is writing a book about his role in the Bush administration during the economic crisis. It's weird, the book starts on Chapter 11. That's odd." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Republicans released their budget counter-proposal this week. It plans to address the deficit, global warming, healthcare, energy, massive tax cuts for the rich. I'm not kidding. Also, there are no numbers in this budget. It's a budget plan without any math in it. You know, Obama should have saved that Special Olympics joke for these retards." --Bill Maher

"Unemployment is at record levels. Of course, no one is buying anything. Consumer spending is at a standstill. The Octomom switched to a generic brand of semen." --Bill Maher

"People are pissed off. Did you hear this? This is not a joke. Melissa Etheridge says she will not pay taxes in California until they legalize gay marriage. Let's see. A high-profile liberal who won't pay taxes. Sounds like someone who wants to be in the Obama Cabinet!" --Bill Maher

"Looking back at his presidential run this week, John McCain said that he got a lot of votes because of Sarah Palin. And weirdly enough, that's the same thing President Obama said." --Jimmy Fallon

"Today at the White House, President Obama met with the CEOs of all the major U.S. banks. A lot of these big bonus guys. The CEOs looked around the White House and said, 'You live in this dump?'." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama made his first trip as president to England. Here is my question. If the President is in England, who's running General Motors?" --Jay Leno

"As you know by now, the government is now taking an active role in the auto business. President Obama offering hope, change, and 0 percent financing." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting? Today, a reporter in Crawford, Texas, asked former President George Bush how he felt about General Motors and Bush said, 'You know, since I left office, I don't really follow the Iraq war anymore.'" --Jay Leno

"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?" --Jay Leno

"And there was kind of an awkward moment yesterday as President Obama was leaving to go to the G-20 summit. Hillary Clinton called and said, 'Can I run the country while you're gone? Please, can I?'" --Jay Leno

"Thousands of people showed up in London to protest this G-20 economic summit. Protesters smashed windows at the Bank of Scotland. Did you see it on the news? The banks were closed. The windows were all boarded up. It looked like our banks." --Jay Leno

"A British genealogist who traced President Obama's roots claimed Obama is related to the royal family. Well, did you see President Obama standing with Prince Charles? If those ears are any indication, I think they may be related." --Jay Leno

"Hey, you hear about this? A voice from the past, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who may run for president in 2012, that's the rumor, has converted to Catholicism. So after a number of affairs, two divorces, and three marriages, how would you like to get stuck behind him for that first confession, huh?" --Jay Leno

"And China says it wants to replace the U.S. dollar with a new global currency. They want to move from a gold-based standard to a lead-based standard." --Jay Leno

"And from the animal kingdom, it seems a loggerhead sea turtle nearly swam to the doorstep of a Florida Keys turtle hospital. This is the only licensed veterinary facility in the world that solely treats sea turtles. This turtle somehow knew to swim right up to the hospital. Isn't that amazing? Sad part, they had to turn him away when his H.M.O. wouldn't cover the visit." --Jay Leno

"By golly, you know what it is? April Fool's Day. Happy April Fool's Day, everybody. It is crazy when you think about it. Bush has only been out of office 10 weeks and he already has his own national holiday." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is in London now, meeting with the G-20 countries, and the only thing that they have agreed on so far is that French President Sarkozy has a smokin' hot wife!" --David Letterman

"A lot of excitement there, though, at the G20 summit. They are giving away a door prize. Yeah, this year, it's Iceland." --David Letterman

"President Obama visited Buckingham Palace and he met with the Queen of England, and here's what they did. They briefly shook hands and exchanged pleasantries. I mean, it was just like my honeymoon." --David Letterman

"Let's see what's going on in Washington, or as they're now calling it, 'Survivor: Detroit!'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, President Obama guarantees that if you buy a G.M. or Chrysler product and they don't survive, they will back your warranty. Well, that's great news for consumers. Combine the efficiency of the Federal government with the honesty of car mechanics." --Jay Leno

"And you can see all these countries are not as wealthy as they used to be. Like today, the first meeting was held at a Red Roof Inn." --Jay Leno

"Now, I don't know if anybody here is a smoker. I hope you're not. But did you know tomorrow, the single-largest tobacco tax in history goes into effect? And I was listening to the radio. I had talk radio coming in this morning. A smoker was complaining, 'This is the worst news for smokers ever.' The worst news. Really? Gee, I remember worse news. It was called cancer. Wasn't it, huh? Wasn't that a little bit worse than an extra buck a pack?" --Jay Leno

"And the number one movie in the country, 'Monsters vs. Aliens,' made over $59 million. Did much better than that other movie, 'Lou Dobbs vs. Aliens.'" --Jay Leno

"President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans to fire the C.E.O.s of B.M.W. and Volkswagen." --David Letterman

"But President Obama - this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday, Al Gore. He turns 61 today. And he ate a giant cake. Then, he remembered it was his birthday, so he ate another giant cake." --Craig Ferguson

"There's a new tax on tobacco - 62 cents a pack. It goes into effect tomorrow. It's the biggest Federal tax hike on cigarettes ever. Ironic that they would hike taxes on people who cannot hike." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is asking all of us to pitch in. He says even if only 10 percent of us smoke only one pack a day, we can cut this deficit in half." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big day in Detroit. You may have heard about this. The Obama Administration asked General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed, which is good news for Obama. You know, the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months. And even then, he had to promise her a job as Secretary of State." -Jay Leno

"And Republican Congressman Peter King says he's very upset that Notre Dame, where he went to law school, is giving an honorary degree to President Obama, even though Obama is pro-choice. He said that giving Obama an honorary degree is putting him in an exalted position. Really? Isn't he President of the United States? You think that little certificate from Notre Dame is going to push him right over the top?" --Jay Leno

"I have an announcement to make. This is my last night. The White House has asked me to step down." -David Letterman

"This is crazy. The CEO at General Motors, Rick Wagoner, been there for like 30 years, but President Obama says, 'You're done, pal. Take a seat.' Bounced the guy right out of the job. He'll be replaced now by Jimmy Fallon." --David Letterman

"Right after the announcement, Wagoner hopped on his private jet and flew to the unemployment office." --David Letterman

"MTV, Music Television, is putting actual music videos back on their network. If it works, Fox News said they'll start doing actual news again." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking his first overseas trip as president tomorrow. He is headed to the G20 economic summit. And he's been rehearsing his opening line to foreign leaders. 'Hi, I'm not George Bush. Hi, I'm not George Bush.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Environmentalists say this weekend's Earth Hour was a huge success. An estimated 1 billion people plus turned off their lights, TVs, and appliances from 8:30-9:30. What's interesting is that during this hour, NBC's ratings actually went up." --Jimmy Fallon

"Fox News launched a new editorial website today that is based solely on reporters' opinions, not on the facts of the stories themselves. They're calling the site Fox News." --Jimmy Fallon