May 29

"Yesterday, during a speech, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said the CIA misleads us all the time. You know, unlike Congress." --Jay Leno

"Hey, did you know we had another earthquake the other night? You know, California is the only state where you don't know what is going to bounce first, the ground from the earthquake or your check from the state government." --Jay Leno

"I tell you, the economy's in bad shape. Oh, the economy's hurting; economy is so bad, Joe Biden was outside the White House, selling maps to politicians' secret locations." --Jay Leno

"Economy's so bad, I saw an illegal immigrant deport himself. That's how bad it's gotten." --Jay Leno

"It turns out Larry King has a son he didn't know he had, Larry King Jr. … Larry King, by the way, has been married eight times, ladies and gentlemen, eight times. He is the Octogroom." --David Letterman

"The National Archives lost a hard drive with massive amounts of valuable data from the Clinton Administration. It contained Bill Clinton's to-do list, 500 people long." --Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new poll, Dick Cheney's approval rating is up eight points since leaving office. Wow, I can't believe Cheney's approval rating is eight percent. That's amazing." --Jimmy Fallon

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been in the news a lot this week, attacking President Obama. For eight years, this Dick Cheney never said two words, now all of a sudden he's like Regis, all over the place. He's been making so many speeches lately I'm starting to think he's not really dead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There are some people who are saying that maybe Dick Cheney is setting himself up to actually run for president. You know, it makes sense. Republicans are looking for fresh blood, and Cheney just had some yesterday." --Bill Maher

"The other day George Bush gave a speech at a graduating high school class. He wondered why they didn't give him an honorary degree, but that's another story. It's interesting, he said he finds not being president liberating. Agreed." --Bill Maher

"He told the kids it's interesting the way life turns out, and now he finds himself walking the dog and picking up poop. Finally, something he can actually find. He couldn't find Osama, he couldn't find the weapons of mass destruction. If only we'd be attacked by dog s**t, we'd be OK." –Bill Maher

"Oh, poor George Bush, picking up after some unthinking creature's mess. Well, now he knows how Obama feels." --Bill Maher

"They put a provision in the credit card bill to let people carry guns in national parks. So when you're buried under a mountain of debt, at least you have a scenic place to go kill yourself." --Bill Maher

"Nobody knows debt like California. We had a special election, and they rejected all the proposals Gov. Schwarzenegger suggested to save the state from going under. Very bad day for him. He said he has not been this humiliated since the '80s when he took an acting class." --Bill Maher

"Before she left for China, reporters repeatedly questioned House Speaker Nancy Pelosi about her claim the CIA lied to her. But Pelosi remained tight-lipped. She also remained tight-foreheaded and tight-eyelided." --Jay Leno

"In fact, before she left, Pelosi told the press she's not going to have any further comments on this whole controversy about the CIA She says no more talking. She's not going to say another word. Why can't we get this deal for Joe Biden?" --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden's former cook -- I believe his name was Goatgang Puck if I'm not mistaken -- is coming to New York to face charges. You know, we also got his driver. And here's the good news. I understand we're closing in on his pool boy and his aroma therapist. Yeah, we are closing the net." --Jay Leno

"A new pentagon report says that 1 in 7 inmates released from Guantanamo Bay has gone back to terrorism. Surprisingly, the other 6 are working in customer service." --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is in Shanghai to debate climate change with Chinese government officials. I think she'll do fine because these negotiations always come down to whoever blinks first." --Jimmy Fallon

"Honolulu just conducted our nation's first all-digital election. This is so cool. No voting booths, people cast their votes online or by phone. Everyone here at 'Late Night' would like to congratulate Honolulu's new mayor, a piano playing cat." --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, the big story is the Supreme Court. President Obama has found his nominee. She is a Federal appeals judge. Sonia Sotomayor, I think her name is. A Latino woman, how about that? So, you know what that means. Ruth Bader Ginsburg no longer the hot chick on the court." --Jay Leno

"No, if confirmed, Sotomayor would be the country's first Hispanic judge. In fact, her first order of business: deporting Lou Dobbs." --Jay Leno

"Actually, the Republicans were a little disappointed. When they heard Obama said he might appoint a minority, they went, 'Oh, great, a Republican!'" --Jay Leno

"Of course they're still waiting to see where Judge Sotomayor stands on a lot of the important issues. You know, are Heidi and Spencer really married? You know, who's Jennifer Aniston dating now, huh? Should Adam Lambert have won 'American Idol'? There's so many issues that concern the American people." --Jay Leno

"Judge Sotomayor said she seemed overwhelmed today, and she said it really won't sink in until she hears Rush Limbaugh say he hopes she fails." --Jay Leno

"Well, over the weekend you know, there was some more back and forth between former Secretary of State Colin Powell and Rush Limbaugh. It's getting nasty. I don't know, General Powell versus Rush Limbaugh. You know, unless it's a pie eating contest, I gotta go with Powell, okay?" --Jay Leno

"North Korea tested another nuclear bomb. The fear is that North Korea will sell this nuclear weapon to some unstable, volatile world leader, you know, like Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"President Barack Obama's in Los Angeles tonight for a huge fundraiser at the Beverly Hilton Hotel. Actually, one awkward moment -- as Obama was entering the Beverly Hilton, he bumped into John Edwards, who was sneaking out." --Jay Leno

"And we're learning more and more about Supreme Court nominee Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She grew up in New York City, close to Yankee Stadium. And she is still a lifelong Yankee fan, which works out great for her because the Supreme Court's next session doesn't begin until October, and by that time, the Yankees are usually done with it." --Jay Leno

"I read in the -- this seems a little scary -- in the paper today, President Obama had less than a one-hour warning of North Korea's nuclear tests. Yeah. Well, that's not bad when you realize he has absolutely no warning when Joe Biden's going to go off." --Jay Leno

"On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius." --Jimmy Fallon

May 22, 2009

"Ladies and gentlemen, there's good news for the environment. They're cleaning up the Hudson River. It had gotten so bad that the salmon actually had to swim upstream every year for their hepatitis shots." --David Letterman

"Los Angeles will start a water rationing in June, which means Dick Cheney will only be allowed to waterboard guys two days a week now." --Jay Leno

"Well, another gaffe by Vice President Joe Biden. God bless Joe Biden. He's been our savior here. Newsweek is reporting that at the Gridiron Dinner, Joe Biden started talking and accidentally revealed Dick Cheney's secret hiding place. See, there's more proof you don't need waterboarding to get secret information. Just give Joe Biden a couple of drinks." --Jay Leno

"This is part of our new plan. It's called 'Don't Ask, We'll Tell.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, do you know what Dick Cheney's secret location turned out to be? Under the Vice President's house. Is that really a secret, huh? You're in the basement, really? Our enemies never think to look behind the furnace. Ooh." --Jay Leno

"Nancy Pelosi now saying the CIA misled her. Misled. Doesn't that sound like the name of some beauty contestant in China? 'Please welcome Mis Led, ladies and gentlemen.' Huh, think I got a week and a half left? Huh?" --Jay Leno

"No, actually, Nancy Pelosi said she heard stories of inmates being injected with a deadly toxin that paralyzes the nerves in your face. No, that's her Botox. I'm sorry. You know, I'm so confused." --Jay Leno

"General Motors announced they're closing over a thousand dealerships. A lot of people are blaming GM's new CEO, some guy named Barack Obama." --Jay Leno

"And at his commencement speech at Notre Dame, President Obama said we should be doing everything we can to prevent unplanned pregnancies, to which John Edwards said, 'Tell me about it.'" --Jay Leno

"And California is going broke. Governor Schwarzenegger may have to sell some of the landmarks like the Coliseum and San Quentin, which is bad news if you're a Raider fan. You're losing two homes, the Coliseum and prison." --Jay Leno

"This week marks the 54th anniversary of the invention of the credit card. See, before that, people practiced something called 'living within their means' -- a foolish, foolish, outmoded way of life." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, President Obama went to Malia and Sasha's soccer games. He rode to the games on Minivan One." --Jimmy Fallon

"Well, this is surprising. A new survey shows that the happiest Americans are elderly, male, and Republican. In other words, Republican." --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm speechless, which is more than I can say for Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney will not shut the f**k up. He's all over. He's on Fox News, he's on 'Face the Nation,' he's on every radio show. Today, he was on 'Oprah' complaining John Edwards cheated on him. He's everywhere. Remember the good ol' days when the guy who got tortured did the talking?" --Bill Maher

"Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, wants to 'legalize the marijuana.' He says that taxes on it will help raise money to balance the budget. Now, see, this can go one of two ways. Either California raises some revenue and balanced the budget, or California still goes broke, but everybody is too stoned to care. So, you see, it is a win-win, really." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney went to see the Tom Hanks film 'Angels and Demons,' and through the whole movie he's screaming, 'Go Demons! Go Demons.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney says that Rush Limbaugh is more of a Republican than Colin Powell. And I think, well, yeah, about 300 pounds more.'" --David Letterman

"This Sunday, President Obama is receiving an honorary degree from the University of Notre Dame. Or as Obama calls it, safety school." --Jimmy Fallon

"This is a big controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said the CIA lied to her in 2003. Yeah, apparently, they sent her a document saying that her makeup looked subtle. They lied to her." --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you guys see Oprah's show today? On Oprah's show today, she gave everyone in her audience a free Chrysler dealership. It was so nice of her. It was under the seat.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Barack Obama said that his Administration will not release the photographs of detainee abuse. Not because they don't want to, but because they can't get the password for Dick Cheney's camera phone." --Jimmy Fallon

"A Canadian scientist was arrested for smuggling vials of Ebola into the U.S. And I'm telling you, this wouldn't happen if the government would just legalize Ebola. You know? Been saying this for years." --Jimmy Fallon

"At the White House the other night, President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama hosted a night of poetry and music featuring musicians, authors and poets, to which President Bush said, 'Now, that's torture.'" --Jay Leno

"Does this name ring a bell -- evil Dick Cheney? He's in New York City. He's on another one of his stops on his 'Don't Say I Didn't Warn You Tour.' And he is in New York City. And he has one of those crazy, embarrassing New York City moments. He's driving in a cab. And it turns out the cabdriver is somebody Cheney had waterboarded. It was crazy." --David Letterman

"Joe Biden accidentally revealed the location of the Vice President's top secret bunker. The guy can't help it. But he did apologize. He said, 'I am so sorry for the mistake. The launch code is 85334. It will never happen again. It will never happen again. My Gmail password is robot23. What am I doing? The house key is under the plant near the doorstep.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama appointed Utah's Republican Governor Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, part of Obama's strategy to get every Republican out of the country by 2010." --Jimmy Fallon

"Michelle Obama went to the ballet here in New York last night. I heard she saw Hillary Clinton's favorite ballet, 'The Nutcracker.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I love this, the Federal government now bailing out insurance companies. Billions of our dollars are going to some of the nation's top insurance companies to keep them from collapsing. Wow, too bad they didn't have insurance!" --Jay Leno

"The economy is bad. Dick Cheney was hanging people by their ankles just to catch the change that fell out of their pockets. That's how bad." --Jay Leno

"Well, last week, the FDA scolded General Mills for claiming that Cheerios lowers your cholesterol by 10%. Well, they're not stopping there. Today, under pressure, Captain Crunch admitted he lied about his military record." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of Bill Clinton, by the way, he's been appointed envoy to Haiti. At least that's what he's telling Hillary." --David Letterman

"I had the most frustrating night the other night. I watched the season finale of '24' with Nancy Pelosi. You know, she couldn't remember the first 23 hours. Didn't remember any of the torture -- none of it!" --Jay Leno

"Hey, President Obama has found a way to quickly close Guantanamo Bay. He's going to turn it into a Pontiac dealership." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden is on a trip to Bosnia, Serbia, and Kosovo. The White House is calling it 'Operation Keep Biden Away From the Microphones.'" --Jay Leno

"And the price of gas, that keeps going up. I'll tell you how bad it is. Today, I saw Dick Cheney driving a Prius." --Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Bill Maher is going to church just for the free bread and wine." --Jay Leno

"And according to a Massachusetts educational official, 73 percent of the people who take the state elementary school teacher licensing test fail the math part. In my home state, Massachusetts, 73 percent of teachers taking the math test fail. That's almost half." --Jay Leno

"And according to a Rasmussen poll, when asked if English should be America's official language, 85 percent of the people said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something to think about. A new study says that legalizing gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts has pumped an additional $111 million into the state's economy. Isn't that amazing? In fact, it's been so good for the state, you know Bunker Hill? Now renaming it Brokeback Mountain." --Jay Leno

Rumsfeld’s classified memos with Bible Quotes (Steven Colbert)
http://politicalhumor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://bit.ly/EzPgR

More good stuff on Huffingtonpost:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/21/wednesdays-late-night-rou_n_206377.html

May 15

"Ooh, the big story, earlier today -- I can't wait to see the ratings on this -- Elizabeth Edwards was discussing her marriage on 'Oprah.' And this weekend, John Edwards will discuss his marriage on 'Cheaters.'" --Jay Leno

"Actually, The New York Daily News is reporting that John Edwards' mistress is mad about all this publicity, and she is now demanding a paternity test. Well, good luck getting John Edwards to give up a strand of hair. Never happen." --Jay Leno

"President Obama announced today plans to either trim or eliminate 121 programs. The programs he wants to eliminate -- Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly." --Jay Leno

"Here is something that's causing a huge controversy here in California. Our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, says it's time to start the debate on legalizing marijuana. Yeah. He says he 'wants some pot in every pot.'" --Jay Leno

"Of course, people in Los Angeles are split on this. Half want it legalized, the other half think it's already legal." --Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

"General Motors has reported a $6 billion loss. But once they get through bankruptcy they hope to go back making cars that nobody wants. So that will be nice." --David Letterman

"Six billion dollar loss. You know what that means? Somebody is in line for a pretty good looking bonus." --David Letterman

"Everybody is excited about the economy getting better and you kind of feel it everywhere you go. People have a smile on their face and a spring in their step. Here's how you know the economy is actually starting to turn around a little bit. I saw Donald trump earlier today, and that thing on his head was wagging." --David Letterman

"In Tennessee, lawmakers are planning to build a statue of Al Gore on the grounds of the state capitol. They say that the new statue will look just like Al Gore, except a little more lifelike." --Jimmy Fallon

"You all have a happy Mother's Day? I thought this was nice. John Edwards told his wife, 'Of all the women I have children with, I'm going to spend today with you.'" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Joe Biden gave a speech to fifth graders in Syracuse, New York, where he said his dog is smarter than President Obama's dog. Actually, the dog is smarter than Biden, because it at least knows when not to speak." --Jay Leno

“And California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to legalize marijuana. Good slogan he has — 'Yes, we cannabis.'" --Jay Leno

"Hey, pro baseball player Manny Ramirez got some good news over the weekend. It seems he has taken so many female hormones, he can now legally celebrate Mother's Day." --Jay Leno

"You know what they had over the weekend down there in Washington, D.C.? They had the White House Correspondents' Dinner. President Obama was unbelievably funny, so NBC has offered him the 10 p.m. slot." --David Letterman

"How about Major League Baseball's Manny Ramirez, huh? Ramirez tested positive for a female fertility drug. But the good news is, he's apparently expecting twins." --David Letterman

"The Post Office announced that the price of a stamp is going up to 44 cents. This is getting out of control. Yeah. If there were just some other way to send written messages that were free and a million times faster. If you guys think of something, e-mail me." --Jimmy Fallon

"Did you see the president and the vice president go out to lunch at that greasy spoon? Apparently, these guys got hungry -- I think they were stoned -- they jumped in their limos, they drove to Virginia, picking up Harold and Kumar along the way. I love Joe Biden, but he is a little gaffe-prone, because he went up to the counter and said, a burger for me, and fried chicken for my friend here." --Bill Maher

"I am starting to really worry about the Republican Party. I mean, last week they lost Arlen Specter. You know who they lost this week? Joe the plumber. Joe the plumber is quitting the Republican Party. This is like the Grateful Dead losing stoners." --Bill Maher

"It looks like a catfight is breaking out among the Republican Party's younger members, both of them, because Bristol Palin is on an abstinence tour, promoting abstinence. What a good person to do that. And she says abstinence is the only thing that works." --Bill Maher

"You did hear about John Edwards, didn't you? Yes, Elizabeth Edwards was on 'Oprah' this week to let the world know the pain of being married to that lying, cheating son-of-a-bitch, John Edwards. She said for years, she believed his vision of two Americas, until she found out he was getting laid in one of them." --Bill Maher

"This week at the White House, during the Cinco de Mayo celebration, President Obama honored the Mexican people by speaking Spanish. And then Vice President Joe Biden honored the Mexican people by not speaking at all." --Jay Leno

"The crown at the top of the Statue of Liberty will reopen on the Fourth of July for the first time since 9/11. Isn't that cool? Visitors will now be able to touch Air Force One as it flies right past them." --Jimmy Fallon

"Do you remember the old guy who was running for president? John McCain. Remember him? And the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? That was a lot of fun, wasn't it? Well, guess what? Sarah Palin has got a deal to write her memoir. Got a deal to write her memoir, yup. I believe it's titled, 'The Book to Nowhere.'" --David Letterman

"But in all fairness, Sarah Palin says she's not writing the book by herself. She has hired a guy to help. Joe the Ghostwriter is helping her. Joe the Ghostwriter, that's right." --David Letterman

"Last night, President Obama hosted a poetry slam at the White House. A poetry slam is when poets stand up and read poems. They try and outdo each other. And things can get out of control. Apparently, last night, one person got up on stage and rambled on and on and didn't make any sense. And then, when Joe Biden was done, they started the poetry." --Craig Ferguson

"Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend. And already they're embroiled in their own scandal. Seems topless photos of the newly crowned Miss Saudi Arabia surfaced today. You could see her entire forehead." --Jay Leno

"Oh, the FDA now scolding General Mills for claiming that Cheerios can lower your cholesterol by 10%. They say that would be considered an unauthorized health claim. The FDA also said there is no evidence that Lucky Charms are magically delicious." --Jay Leno

"I'm very excited about this. John McCain's 97-year-old mom is on the show tonight. Here's the amazing part. She is 97, and somehow John is actually five years older than she is." --Jay Leno

"I don't know how that works. In fact, John is so old, she is back to cutting up his meat into little pieces again." --Jay Leno

"Drug officials are saying that because of the bad economy, the international cocaine market is suffering. It's not just affecting cocaine. It's trickling down. Today, Obama asked for a bailout of the tiny spoon industry." --Jimmy Fallon

"Those of you who are residents of California, you can stop stockpiling food and water. You can unlock your doors again. Miss California is keeping her crown! So California is no longer rudderless. We have a leader." --Jay Leno

"John Edwards said that he and his wife are getting to a better place. He said that, after he admitted his affair, he took a long, hard look in the mirror and fell in love all over again." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Elizabeth's book 'Resilience' hit the stands today. But John Edwards also has a new book out. It is called 'Cheating for Dummies.'" --Jay Leno

"The price of a postage stamp went up to 44 cents this week. Isn't that unbelievable? They said they had to raise the price because fewer and fewer people are using the mail these days. That's government thinking, isn't it? 'Hey, nobody's buying our product. Let's raise the price.'" --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney, the former vice president, said that President Obama went too far with the jokes at the correspondents' dinner. By too far, does Cheney mean like waterboarding a guy 183 times?" --David Letterman

And last but not the least, if you still haven't seen Obama's speech at White House Correspondents' Dinner, here it is. I thought it was funnier than most late night monologues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0GwZFAV1Lw

May 8

"President Obama and his lovely wife, Michelle, recently went out to dinner at a restaurant. And after dinner, they took a romantic sunset walk around the White House grounds. And I was thinking, well, Bill Clinton used to take romantic strolls, but I think he waited until his wife was out of town." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama may choose Hillary Clinton as Souter's replacement. So the big question now is, well, can she make the transition from pantsuits to robes." --David Letterman

"In the latest swine flu update, the Mexican government has told its citizens to stay home, to which Lou Dobbs said, 'I've been telling them that for years!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, listen to this. The New York Times is now reporting it's possible to catch swine flu from money. They say the virus can live on a $20 bill for more than 10 days. So, not only is the virus contagious, it's also very frugal." --Jay Leno

"It's crazy. First we had mad cow, then we had bird flu, and now we have swine flu. Do we have to check the Chinese horoscope to see what flu is coming next?" --Jay Leno

"And President Obama said that the country needs to remember that it is cool to be smart. Today, former President George W. Bush gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"And 69-year-old Supreme Court Justice David Souter said he's going to retire next month. Why's he retiring? I mean, he's a senior citizen. What's he going to do? He's going to sit around the house all day in his robe being judgmental, right? He might as well just stay on the job." --Jay Leno

"Well, as you know, Supreme Court judge is a job for life. There's only one other job in Washington that's a job for life. That's on the Joe Biden Clarification and Apology Unit. And that's 24/7. That's very hectic." --Jay Leno

"In fact, just a day after saying he wouldn't go anywhere in confined places like an aircraft or a subway because of the swine flu, Vice President Biden rode a train from Washington to Delaware. You know what that means? Not even Joe Biden listens to Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Oh, the economy is in bad shape. The economy is so bad China is now making toys out of synthetic lead." --Jay Leno

"Well, former presidential candidate John Edwards is now admitting that Federal investigators are looking into his presidential campaign finances and the fact that he paid over $100,000 to his mistress. Of course, Edwards is denying any impropriety. He said his mistress earned every penny." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's the latest. The White House says, as of now, it is not contained. It could continue to get worse. And they were just talking about Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"Well, there are now cases of swine flu in the United States, Canada and Mexico. So, see that? NAFTA does work." --Jay Leno

"A vacancy on the Supreme Court. This is something we haven't seen in awhile. Let's just hope the president is better at picking a justice than the justices were at picking a president." --Jay Leno

"I'm sure you've heard, Senator Arlen Specter has switched to the Democratic party. Yeah, today, Obama told Republicans look, we'll give you Biden and call it even." --Jay Leno

"Finally, some good economic news. They're hiring at the Supreme Court. There's going to be an opening. David Souter is retiring, apparently, after a brief, terrifying conversation with Joe Biden." --Bill Maher

"The Republicans say that Obama's pick for a replacement is completely unacceptable, and they will let us know why as soon as they find out who it is." --Bill Maher

"I'm glad you're all in a good mood, but I'm a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City." --Jay Leno

"During his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks." --Jay Leno

"Actually, you don't want to panic, because the CDC says it's all about prevention. For example, they're now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself." --Jay Leno

"According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it's bad for business. And, you know, actually, they're right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu." --Jay Leno

"Senator Arlen Specter, though, has really left the Republican Party, which is like resigning from Chrysler." --David Letterman

"I guess in the world of politics that's very exciting, Specter switching from the Republican Party to the Democrats. But what would be really cool for me is if I could just get my mom to switch from Leno." --David Letterman

"Senator Arlen Specter has a new reality show ? 'I'm a Republican Get Me Out of Here!'" --Jay Leno

"Today was President Obama's 100th day in office. Isn't that amazing? Actually, when you think about it, George W. Bush was president for eight years, and he never came close to spending 100 days in the office. So, we're way ahead." --Jay Leno

"There's a new restaurant opening in Chicago called Felony Franks, which gives jobs to convicted felons. Yeah, isn't that amazing? Yeah. Imagine that, you could get your meal served to you by a former Illinois governor." --Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Arlen Specter Switched Parties
10. Heard the Democratic lounge's vending machine had Nutrageous bars.
9. When Barack smiles at you, the room just starts spinning.
8. GOP wouldn't give him the day off to attend Heidi and Spencer's wedding.
7. Wanted free video iPod from Obama.
6. Same reason 10 million other Republicans switched parties last November.
5. Uhh, pirates?
4. No #4 -- writer frightened by Air Force One fly-by.
3. It was buried in the fine print when he switched cable providers.
2. Wanted to hang out with a new group of white guys.
1. Well, why wouldn't someone want to be associated with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney?

"See all those people on the news walking around wearing those surgical masks, huh? For the swine flu. Suddenly Michael Jackson is not so crazy, huh? Yeah! I think we owe Michael an apology." --Jay Leno


"In economic news, ExxonMobil's profit last year was $45 billion. In second place was the company that makes those foreclosure signs." --David Letterman

"Man, it was hot today. I was sweating like John Edwards waiting to watch his wife on 'Oprah.'" --Jay Leno

"John Edwards did not come off good in this thing. In fact, I understand he's now looking for a third America to hide out in." --Jay Leno

"And as if he doesn't have enough problems already, John Edwards is now being investigated on whether or not he used campaign funds to pay his mistress hush money. Here's my question. Why can't we find hush money to keep Joe Biden quiet? Where is that hush money?" --Jay Leno

"And President Obama held a White House Cinco de Mayo celebration this week, where he honored the Mexican people and he spoke Spanish. See, that shows you how far we've come as a country. Think about this. Where a half Kenyan/American president with an Arabic middle name can speak Spanish to a bunch of English-speaking reporters whose bankrupt newspapers are now owned by the Chinese. See what I'm saying? That's crazy. What a great country." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama and Joe Biden made a surprise trip outside the White House yesterday for burgers. Yeah! Obama ordered a cheeseburger and Biden asked for whatever comes with the toy." --Jimmy Fallon

"After they finished the meal, Obama put the duct tape back over Biden's mouth." --Jimmy Fallon

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama spoke on the phone this weekend for 20 minutes with Mexican President Calderon on how to cooperate on fighting this swine flu thing. Afterwards, he said the people of America and Mexico have found common ground. I believe it's called Los Angeles." --Jay Leno

"Happy Cinco de Mayo, everybody. Now, do you know the history of Cinco de Mayo? Well, Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexicans driving the French out of Mexico in 1862. See, I am so glad the Mexicans won that one. Imagine if the French had won. Mexico would not only have swine flu, they'd be rude and chain smoking, too." --Jay Leno

"Well, this flu epidemic thing has become international. Mexico has filed a formal complaint against the country of China for seizing 70 of its citizens and quarantining them. China seized 70 people from Mexico, and Mexico said it was shocked. And, of course, the U.S. was stunned. Seventy? That's more than we've seized all year. Come on!" --Jay Leno

"The White House announced today that Vice President Joe Biden has laryngitis. Yeah. They said that he has a rare strain they hope lasts until 2012." --Jay Leno

"And Federal authorities are now investigating how John Edwards spent his campaign money. Well, we know what he didn't spend it on — condoms!" --Jay Leno

"The economy is in bad shape. In fact, the economy is so bad, John Edwards is giving his mistress IOUs." --Jay Leno

"[But] it's nice to have someone like President Obama and his wife. Did you know this? They still take time out once a week to have a date night. I used to have a date night but marriage put an end to that." --David Letterman

"And Obama, so far, nobody can lay a glove on this guy because he's working so hard and doing a great job. But recently, he accidentally referred to Cinco de Mayo as Cinco de Cuatro. He apologized and said he only knows about 15 words of Spanish. Big deal. George W. Bush only knew about 15 words of English." --David Letterman

"President Obama may choose a Supreme Court nominee by the end of the week. That's fast. Nothing against the President, but doesn't it worry you that it took him 10 times longer to decide on a dog?" --Craig Ferguson

"This weekend, Time magazine released its list of the world's most influential people. And my good friend Tina Fey is on the list, but so is Sarah Palin. It's weird, isn't it, how those two people are forever connected in a way, right? Two people who are so different yet they look so much alike. It's like me and George Clooney." --Jimmy Fallon

"I just read a new study that shows that obese children are much more likely to develop allergies. But here is the good news -- not food allergies." --Jimmy Fallon

"Happy Cinco de Mayo to uno and all. Cinco de Mayo is actually a bigger holiday here in the United States than it is in Mexico because we have more Mexicans here than they do there." --Jimmy Kimmel