June 26

"My family is taking me out to brunch on Father's Day. I'm looking forward to the picketing." --David Letterman

"But my son, God bless him. In school, he made me a very special Father's Day gift. It's a huge in-box for all my hate mail." --David Letterman

"They're having a lot of trouble over there in Iran. They had the presidential election. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -- it was controversial, they were tied, and now he's claiming that he won by a landslide…But this guy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, I mean, he claims victory and he is very unpopular. And the danger politically of this, he could ruin the political career of his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman

"Here's fascinating news. Dick Cheney, do you remember Dick Cheney? Dick 'Boom Boom' Cheney. His approval rating is up to 26%, up to 26%. Yeah, crazy, isn't it? He's been upgraded from hated to unpopular." --David Letterman

"I'm not surprised that Dick Cheney's approval rating has really soared, really skyrocketed, up to 26%. Because you know, he gave people what they wanted. He left office." --David Letterman

"A lot of people worried about the situation in Iran now. And I mean everybody's worried. This is a true story. Ashton Kutcher is urging the U.S. government not to intervene in the crisis in Iran because he fears that Iran will end up just like Iraq. President Obama thanked Kutcher for his advice, said he'd get back to him after running it by the Jonas Brothers." --Conan O'Brien

"The animal rights group PETA is criticizing President Obama after seeing footage of Obama killing a fly. Meanwhile, today, a fly buzzing around Joe Biden took its own life." --Conan O'Brien

"In his speech yesterday, former President George W. Bush attacked President Obama's policies on anti-terrorism, healthcare, and the economy. Then Bush spent the next 20 minutes trying to kill a fly." --Jimmy Fallon

"Big election news from Iran. A British newspaper reported that Mir Hossein Mousavi actually won the election and Ahmadinejad came in third. And coming in second, Al Gore. The guy can't win anything." --Jimmy Fallon

"Here's some good news. President Obama just appointed Tom Brokaw to his Commission on White House Fellowships, mostly because he loves to hear Brokaw try to pronounce fellowship." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is getting a lot of criticism from PETA, you know, the Psychotics for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. They're taking issue with the fact that he killed a fly. For real. PETA said he should have captured the fly and taken it outside, which would have been a great message to send to North Korea." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The White House, though, doesn't like confrontation. You know, they like to work things out. So as a gesture of goodwill, they have relocated the fly's family to the Rose Garden, where they are now living on a fresh pile of Bo Obama's dog droppings. So that's nice." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Khomeini, said this election was not rigged, the results are final, and you can protest all you want, but if you keep doing it, we're going to start cracking heads. Now if we could only get this guy to call Norm Coleman." --Bill Maher

"No, it's sad about Iran, but what do you expect about a country with a government that's propped up by oil, that's led by a religious wacko? Kind of like Alaska."

"The silver lining in this dark cloud is that Twitter found a reason to exist." --Bill Maher

"Don't you know that this could be the first revolution brought to you by Twitter? Because that's how people are communicating to go of the rallies and so forth, and show the pictures of what's going on. Authorities, of course, in Iran shut down cell phone networks. They shut down the internet. Calls are absolutely not getting through or they're dropped immediately. Or as T-Mobile calls it, normal service." --Bill Maher

"And I think what's interesting, is with all this going on in the world, the top news on the Fox News website was a recall of Tollhouse cookie dough. I'm not kidding. Forget Iran, forget healthcare, for the average Fox viewer, the most important question for them was, is my lard safe?" --Bill Maher

"Have you been following the John Ensign scandal? He's the senator from Nevada who got his penis caught in the cookie jar. It turns out he was screwing the wife of his chief of staff, they say. And I love this guy. He's a piece of work. Because John Ensign was a promise keeper. He was a big proponent of the Defense of Marriage Act. And a loud voice calling for Clinton to resign during the Lewinsky scandal. So he has hit the hypocrisy trifecta." --Bill Maher

"He told the Washington Post some years ago, that as a Christian politician, listen to this, he refused to be alone with a strange woman inside of a car. But apparently, being inside of a strange woman without a car that's okay, that's all good." --Bill Maher

"They said his chief of staff, the guy who's wife he was screwing, he threatened to go public unless Ensign, the senator, paid his mortgage. Apparently this guy had a big-ass house in Las Vegas. I know the economy is tough, but using your wife as collateral on your mortgage? That's a new one, even for the Republicans. And how do you broach that? 'Look, senator, I'm upside-down on my mortgage, you've been upside down on my wife...'" --Bill Maher

"In other news, the world's oldest man died, he was 113, and a leading voice of the young Republicans." --Bill Maher

"The big news, the Iranian government is trying very hard now to legitimize their election. That's the big story in the world right now. Today, Iran's supreme leader declared last week's presidential election 'an absolute victory.' That's what he said. Yep. Yeah, then he went on to congratulate the Clippers on winning the NBA championship." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khameini, said there's no fraud in the election, and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don't know, I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito Supreme, Taco Supreme, and of course, Diana Ross." --Jimmy Fallon

"Nice vote of confidence for President Obama this weekend. John McCain, of all people, said that President Obama has 'done well' during his first few months in office. In fact, McCain's so proud of Obama, he sent him a card with a five dollar bill inside." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new report, Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have greatly reduced their number of customer complaints. The automakers did this by greatly reducing their number of customers." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, President Obama signed a bill that prevents tobacco companies from using misleading labels like 'low tar' and 'light.' The tobacco companies said from now on they'll label their low tar cigarettes as 'less cancerific.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Barack Obama's approval rating of 61%, which I thought was staggeringly high, has now dropped to 56%. So don't kid yourselves. Hillary could still win this thing." --David Letterman

"You folks following the Iranian elections? Well, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the winner. And lots of protests. And it got to be so crazy that Iran's supreme leader actually spoke live on television last night. And it preempted Al Jazeera's most popular show, their number one show over there, which is 'How I Met Your Camel.'" --David Letterman

"But the supreme leader said that the Iranian elections were not rigged. Well, that's good enough for me." --David Letterman

"He did say that there was some trouble early on and they did make some errors. As a matter of fact, he's now saying that they forgot to count votes for Susan Boyle." --David Letterman

"The Navy has dispatched a destroyer named the U.S.S. John McCain to deal with the North Korean ship that may have illegal weapons. Well, actually, the Navy didn't dispatch the John McCain, it just kind of wandered off on its own." --Conan O'Brien

"Do you know anything about this swindling weasel Bernie Madoff? He's in jail now and they haven't even sentenced the guy yet. But he's in the cooler right now. And he is barred -- I heard this today -- barred from working in the securities industry. I'm thinking, well, great. How is the guy supposed to earn a living when he gets out of jail in 150 years?" --David Letterman

"And his attorney is looking for a shorter sentence. He wants 12 years. Bernie wants 12 years. Well, you know, if anybody deserves a break, it's this guy, really." --David Letterman

"Have you been following what's going on in Iran? Oh, it's crazy. They had the election. Now it looks like there was some monkey business going on. And now people are demonstrating in the streets. And the government has imposed a curfew, in Iran. I was thinking, whoa, I just hope this doesn't ruin the swinging Iranian night life." --David Letterman

"Here's a big story, ladies and gentlemen. Yesterday, there was an earthquake in Alaska. I'm kind of afraid to say anything." --David Letterman

"Did you hear about Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina? He mysteriously disappeared last week and nobody knew where he was. Today, Sanford admitted to having an affair in Argentina. I'm like, great, now we're outsourcing mistresses." --Craig Ferguson

"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." --Craig Ferguson

"Oh. Marital infidelity. You are just another run-of-the-mill human being whose simple moralizing about the sanctity of marriage is only marred by the complexities of their own life. Well, just another politician with a conservative mind and a liberal penis." --Jon Stewart

"Well, you know what they say, in the way that no man can resist the wiles of an exotic Argentine woman, those same women are equally tantalized by middle-aged, fiscally conservative Episcopalians."--Stephen Colbert

"[T]he Iranian supreme leader says the election results are official. He said, 'It's over, the election results are official. And besides that, it costs too much to rig another election.'" --David Letterman

"Today the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who's the head of the Republican Governors Association, held a press conference to reveal he had an affair with a woman from Argentina. People were shocked because Republicans traditionally don't do well with Hispanic women." --Conan O'Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The 'Transformers' sequel came out today. One of the 'Transformers' is a Chevrolet. Fortunately, it has a sidekick that transforms into a tow truck." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, two Columbia University students who major in statistics say the Iranian election was rigged because they found there were too many sevens and not enough fives in the vote total. Then the students admitted that they have too many free evenings and not enough girlfriends." --Conan O'Brien

"Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina -- this just keeps getting weirder. He was missing for five days. He finally showed up. He claimed that he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then just today, he revealed that he was not hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time -- in Argentina, where he was having an extramarital affair. Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is -- Carmen Sandiego." --Jimmy Fallon

"On July 14th, everybody, President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star game in St. Louis. That's pretty cool. Yeah. But Joe Biden will be on hand to commit the first error." --Jimmy Fallon

June 19

"Well, it's been a busy week here on the late show. Earlier in the week, I made some jokes that upset Sarah Palin. And I was telling jokes about her family and stuff. She got really upset. And I think everything's fine now. I think everything's going to be great because she called today and offered to take me hunting." --David Letterman

"Here's big news from the world of TV. And I don't know if you guys are ready for this or not. If you have an old TV, tomorrow, it won't work unless you digitalize it. You've got to get a converter thing and a lot of people are confused about this. For example, earlier today, John McCain wanted to know after the conversion, will his TV dinner still work." --David Letterman

"You folks been following the Iranian elections? Well this guy, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he's running for re-election. Have you seen this guy? This guy looks like the kind of guy that tries to get to you buy a cell phone you don't need. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"He looks like one of those guys that would be wearing a Members Only jacket." --David Letterman

"Fiat, which took over Chrysler this week, says it plans to build its cars with American, not Italian workers. Fiat says they got the idea from the Olive Garden." --Conan O'Brien

"Congress is considering a bill that would force advertisers to lower the volume of their TV commercials. OK, how did my mother get in Congress? When did that happen?" --Jimmy Fallon

"This is interesting. Researchers have found that people who drive drunk are more dangerous on the road than drivers who are high on marijuana. Don't get too excited. It's mostly because the drivers using marijuana are just sitting in the Taco Bell drive-through." --Jimmy Fallon

"Big science news. A new element will be added to the periodic table. It's the heaviest element in the table. It's called ununbium, which is Latin for 'thigh of Rush Limbaugh.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Welcome to the 'Late Show.' I'm Dave Letterman, goodwill ambassador. I got a call from Mom earlier today and she told me she was siding with the Governor." --David Letterman

"You folks know about Bernie Madoff? Oh, oh, I mean, most hated man in America. Me, Bernie Madoff. It's right there. It's kind of a one, two thing. He was way out in front 'til a couple of days ago. But the New York Times says his wife, Ruth, is the loneliest woman in New York City. Shunned by friends and neighbors. Well, tell me about it. --David Letterman

"How many of you folks are following the elections in Iran? Hard not to. It's compelling. Well, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected and won by a landslide, ladies and gentlemen. And I, you know, I guess the voters couldn't resist his good looks and charisma." --David Letterman

"But there were problems with the ballots in the Iranian election. And who would have thought that? There was a mistake. Thousands of Iranians ended up voting for Pat Buchanan." --David Letterman

"But I hope they get this figured out. I hope it goes away soon, because the last thing we need is unrest in the Middle East." --David Letterman

"And then, after the elections, the supreme leader in Iran certified the election results and shipped the crooked voting machines back to Florida." --David Letterman

"President Ahmadinejad is claiming that he won, causing a lot of controversy. Some people say that Ahmadinejad cheated a little bit. They're now that saying weeks before the election President Ahmadinejad distributed 400,000 tons of potatoes to voters in rural areas. Who knew he'd be put over the top by the Iranian-Irish vote?" --Conan O'Brien

"In a major speech Sunday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called for the Palestinians to get their own state. Unfortunately, the state he offered them is New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported Marvel Comics is getting set to bring back Captain America. They're going to do this as soon as they get a loan from Captain China." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, the results from Iran's presidential elections are in. And Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. But his opponent, Mir-Hossein Mousavi, is claiming ballot fraud and wants an investigation. If that doesn't work, he's planning on making a documentary about global warming." --Jimmy Fallon

"Television, tonight, has finally gone completely digital in the United States of America ... Analog TV signals are no longer being beamed through the air, and yet monologue jokes will still be flying over Sarah Palin's head." --Bill Maher

"It's a little different over there when they have an election in Iran, because the women, they get to vote over there. Unlike our ally Saudi Arabia. But in Iran, the women get to vote and it's great, because they're already wearing the booth." --Bill Maher

"They released this week four prisoners who were previously held in Guantanamo Bay, and they've been cleared of their charges. And listen to this: they're resettling them in Bermuda and giving them each $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said today they are part of al Qaeda." --Bill Maher

"It's been reported, I think this just came out today, that 11 percent of Americans still think that President Obama is a Muslim. Apparently, it's the same 11 percent who still think Adam Lambert would be perfect for their daughter." --Conan O'Brien

"This is crazy. You probably saw this. Former President George Bush Sr. celebrated his 85th birthday today by skydiving with CNN anchor Robin Meade. Fox News reported the story as, 'Liberal media pushes old man out of airplane.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Tonight's the night of the big television digital switchover. According to some estimates, when the analog signal is cut off and switched to digital tonight, nearly 1 million people could be left without TV service,' which 'means NBC could lose dozens of viewers." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, President Obama wrote a note for a fourth grade girl who skipped school so she could attend his town hall meeting. I don't see what the big deal is. Bush wrote notes to fourth graders, too. He just called them speeches." --Jimmy Fallon

"It's nice that people hate me who are no longer just part of my immediate family." --David Letterman

"My son, you know, he's telling everybody at school that his father is Conan." --David Letterman

"Senator John McCain announced today that he bought a hybrid car. Apparently, McCain thinks a hybrid car is one that has AM and FM radio." --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of turmoil in Iran right now over the recent presidential election. People protesting the election results have been avoiding the government media crackdown by posting messages on Twitter. The tweets declare that Ahmadinejad stole the election and that Jabeer is enjoying a lamb kabob." --Conan O'Brien

"Iran has been really cracking down on foreign journalists. So now, they're actually preventing reporters from leaving their hotel rooms. And this, of course, leaves the journalists with nothing to do but order up sexy movies of women wearing slacks." --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors has sold the car company Saab to a European company that only produces about a dozen cars a year. General motors said, 'It's a perfect fit because we only sell a dozen cars a year.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Hi, everyone. I'm Jimmy, I'm the host of the show. Before we go any further, I want to just take a minute to apologize for some jokes I'm planning to make about the Palin family tonight. They are in extremely poor taste and I know that I will regret saying them." --Jimmy Kimmel
“The bad economy is affecting the numbers of available jobs. So, many new college graduates are choosing to spend a year volunteering at a nonprofit organization. These nonprofit organizations include Chrysler and G.M.” ----Conan O'Brien

"Glad you people are here. Because yesterday, we had kind of a thing, and think about this — this was a little weird. Right here, we're doing the show, right across the street on Broadway, they had the 'Fire Dave' rally going on. Yeah. I mean, it was a gathering of people who actually hate me. Now, at my house, we call that Thanksgiving." --David Letterman

"And I just want to say a word of thanks to the great CBS television network. They've been wonderful through everything. But yesterday, I thought maybe they were just a little too eager to cash in on this whole thing with the rally. I mean, at the CBS store out on the corner, you know, they were selling highly flammable Dave Letterman effigies." --David Letterman

"But now, Barack Obama says that four of the Guantánamo prisoners are going to Bermuda. Same thing CBS is trying to do with me." --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself. You're thinking, Bermuda, tough, really? Yes, yes. Let me answer that for you. The prisons in Bermuda are no laughing matter. It's a tough place: no flip-flops in the dining room." --David Letterman

"Here's the breakdown of the Iranian election: 63 percent of the vote for Ahmadinejad; Moussavi, he's got 34 percent of the vote; and 3 percent of the vote goes to Ralph Nader." --David Letterman

"It has been reported that Twitter usage ... is up a staggering 1300% since last year. 1300%. Yeah, folks, it's hard to imagine that just one year ago, most of us had no idea what Wilmer Valderrama was having for lunch." --Conan O'Brien

June 12 and 1/2

"Tuesday, NBC's news special, 'Inside the Obama White House,' was watched by 9 million people. Historians say it was the most revealing look behind the scenes at the White House since Bill Clinton set up a secret webcam." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday president Barack Obama met the king of Saudi Arabia, who kissed Obama twice. Obama says he hasn't gotten this kind of treatment since he met Keith Olbermann." --Conan O'Brien

"North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il, is in the process of deciding who is going to be his successor and the most likely person is his youngest son, Kim Jong-Un. Yeah. Kim Jong-Un says he's excited but realizes he's got some awfully big women's sunglasses to fill." --Conan O'Brien

"Rush Limbaugh is in the news. Last week, Rush Limbaugh said that Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor was a racist. But this week, Rush says he may support her. Yeah. Limbaugh says that he can't support Sotomayor until he's 100% sure she's a racist." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il? Oh my gosh, what's the deal on that guy. He's a little squirrelly, right? Am I right? And he's going to step down. He's no longer going to be running North Korea. He's turning power over to his son, Kim Jong W-Il. But that was a big disappointment to his other son, Jeb Il." --David Letterman

"President Obama is in Germany right now, but he was in the Middle East before that. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia met with Obama and gave him a large, shiny medallion on a thick, gold chain. Obama said, 'Thank you, but I think you have me confused with Flavor Flav.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"The IRS says that John Kerry's 2004 presidential campaign owes over $800,000 in back taxes. I guess that explains the long face." --Jimmy Fallon

"[T]he New York Daily News is reporting that some members of the New York Mets may be suffering from swine flu, which is scary because usually, the Mets don't start choking 'til September." --Jimmy Fallon

"I know why you're happy. That speech Black Elvis gave in Cairo. Wow, he is Jimi Hendrix with a Teleprompter, isn't he? He was making good on a campaign promise to reach out to the Muslim world. Let's just hope it works better with Muslims than it did with Republicans." --Bill Maher

"Did you see the speech? It was his longest one ever and a high degree of difficulty you'd have to say. Someone asked Obama before the address, 'How're you going to address this cultural women-oppressing, religious fanatics?' And he said, 'Same as Notre Dame.'" --Bill Maher

"It went well with Muslims around the world. They were very impressed, including Muslim Americans right here at home. One Muslim American said it gave him great hope that some day he could go through airport security without pretending to be Mexican." --Bill Maher

"Republican Sen. Inhofe, he's a douche bag, he said it was un-American. These guys are just jealous that when this President goes to Middle East, nobody throws a shoe at him." --Bill Maher
"Un-American? It was intelligent; it was broad-minded; it was nuanced. Oh he's right. It is un-American." --Bill Maher

"I got something to tell you Mr. Inhofe, Obama's speech was produced right here in the U.S.A and the rest of the world is buying it, which is more than I can say for General Motors." --Bill Maher

"On this day in 1925, the Chrysler Corporation was founded and had it lived, it would be 84 years old today. Founded in 1925 and lucky for you stock is still available at 1925 prices." --David Letterman

"What an honor it is for you to have me here, and what a thrill it is to bring my show to the men and women in the U.S. military in Iraq. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Iraq. The country so nice, we invaded it twice." --Stephen Colbert

"You know, folks, a lesser man would try to pander to you. But I'm not going to do that. Besides, you would never fall for it, because you are the sharpest, coolest, sexiest fighting force in the history of mankind." --Stephen Colbert

"You know, it's my first trip to Iraq. I don't know why I haven't made it here before, but it's hard to explain to the people back home just how hot it is here. Let me put it this way: When Saddam Hussein got to hell, I'm guessing he asked for a blanket." --Stephen Colbert

"But you know, it must be nice here in Iraq, because I understand some of you keep coming back again, and again, and again. ... The good news is, you've earned enough frequent flier miles for a free ticket to Afghanistan." --Stephen Colbert

"This morning, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fell and broke her ankle at LaGuardia airport. Yeah, if she's confirmed, the first case she'll hear is Sotomayor v. LaGuardia airport." --Conan O'Brien

" Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down the job as secretary of state. Yup. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'Yeah, that's not the only kind of job she's turned down.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know who was in town this weekend, went to a Yankee game? Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska. And she was up there with Rudy Giuliani. They were sitting together. And their seats were, well, let me tell you where their seats were. They were way, way in far right field. They were so far right. Crazy." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin got there early and she was taken to her seat, shown to her seat, by Joe the Usher." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin -- it was exciting, because everybody loves New York City and she spent the entire weekend here in New York City. And late yesterday afternoon, as a matter of fact, she actually pulled out her rifle, and she shot that thing on Donald Trump's head.." --David Letterman

"The newest nominee for the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor, broke her ankle at LaGuardia Airport. Broke it in three places. And listen to this, at least two of those breaks have to be approved by the Senate." --David Letterman

"She broke it right out there at LaGuardia Airport, stumbled on a thing and busted her leg, very painful. But fortunately, Rush Limbaugh's maid was right there at the gate with a little. 'Here, try a little…'" --David Letterman

"And then, Rush said he hopes her ankle doesn't heal." --David Letterman

"Big news in Saudi Arabia. For the first time in 30 years, Saudis are allowed to go to the movies this weekend. It's really good. Yeah. Give it up. There's a few movies to choose from. You can see 'Turban Cowboy,' 'The Taking of Hostages 1,2,3,' 'He's Just Not That Into You Driving,' or Tyler Perry's 'Madea Goes To Jail For Showing Her Ankles.'" --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's Trip to New York
10. Visited New York landmarks she normally only sees from Alaska.
9. Laughed at all the crazy-looking foreigners entering the U.N.
8. Made moose jerky on Rachael Ray.
7. Keyed Tina Fey's car.
6. After a wink and a nod, ended up with a kilo of crack.
5. Made coat out of New York City rat pelts.
4. Sat in for Kelly Ripa. Regis couldn't tell the difference.
3. Finally met one of those Jewish people Mel Gibson's always talking about.
2. Bought makeup from Bloomingdale's to update her "slutty flight attendant" look.
1. Especially enjoyed not appearing on Letterman

"Boy, this is a weird story. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is at LaGuardia and she breaks her ankle. This happened, like, two days ago. And in a 5-to-4 ruling, the current justices have voted to send her a get well card." --David Letterman

"Hey, yesterday, Hezbollah was defeated in the Lebanese elections. That's right. Hezbollah was defeated… so now they have no choice but to merge with Fiat." --David Letterman

"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person." --Conan O'Brien

"I am Stephen Colbert, and I am reporting for duty. Folks, right off the top, I want to thank the USO for bringing me and my show to our brave men and women in uniform in Baghdad, Iraq. Thank you so much. I have to say, this place is great. I've always loved the beach, but I hate the ocean, so this is perfect!" --Stephen Colbert

"You know, Saddam's face is still on some of the walls around here. He's carved himself into the murals. And Saddam's initials are still on the ceiling and on the top of the pillars. But now that he's gone, I think we should really figure out something new for S.H. to stand for. Hmm, S.H. What would fit now? S*** happens?" --Stephen Colbert

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the 'Late Show,' a division of Fiat." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I am in so much trouble, because ? I'll tell you why - the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is angry with me. Fuming, angry, seeing red, and has called me 'pathetic.' Yup, that's right. Honestly, I haven't been called pathetic - well, since the honeymoon, actually." --David Letterman

"Listen to this - listen to how the power of the world is changing. Ahmadinejad may lose his job, and the Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il is stepping down, and before you know it, the only tiny -- because these guys are all petite guys -- the only small control freaks left in the world will be, like, well, Tom Cruise. Is that right?" --David Letterman

"Listen to this. There was a big storm down in the Washington, D.C., area, and it toppled a tree. A giant, ancient tree toppled over. This is how crazy things are. When the tree toppled over, somebody contacted former Vice President Dick Cheney, and he said: 'See, well, there it goes. It proves that President Obama is soft on weather.'" --David Letterman

"But here's what happened. The grounds crew chop it up and then grind it up and use it for mulch. And I was thinking, you know, you can do the same thing with your General Motors stock." --David Letterman

"President Obama's in the news, of course. He's put health care back in the news. Yup. President Obama says he wants to create a national health care plan that's both affordable and easy to use. Yup. Yeah, good. Yeah, and the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien

"Edward Whitaker, the former chairman of AT&T, was appointed the new chairman of General Motors. I'm not sure about his business plan. He's giving away free cars on nights and weekends. I think that's a bad idea." --Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview, the new chairman actually said, 'I don't know anything about cars.' I respect that. He's keeping up the GM tradition." --Jimmy Fallon

[Finally, Colbert spent a week in Iraq in what appears to be historic for late night comedian with actual interviews of top generals and an Iraqi Deputy PM in front of the troop, and video appearances of President Obama, VP Biden, John McCain and even Sarah Palin. I didn’t spot Dick Cheney, though. Here are some of the snippets from the program website: ]

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/229766/june-08-2009/the-word---why-are-you-here-

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/229765/june-08-2009/operation-iraqi-stephen---john-mccain

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/229768/june-08-2009/obama-orders-stephen-s-haircut---ray-odierno

June 12

Sorry, but no post today as I am a bit tied up. Plan on doing it over the weekend. See you on Monday.

June 5

"Hey, last night at a fundraiser in Beverly Hills, people paid $30,000 to attend a dinner and a discussion with President Barack Obama. The subject of the discussion? The struggling economy." --Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, if you spend $30,000 on dinner, aren't you legally a Republican at this point?" --Jay Leno

“The big story here in California -- the Supreme Court has decided to uphold the ban on gay marriage. However, gay unions are still legal. See, that shows how little I know about this subject. I didn't even know gay people had their own union." --Jay Leno
"Well, actually, according to a new Gallup poll, 52% of people say they're opposed to gay marriage, 45% of people say they're in favor of it. That means the remaining 3% are for gay rights, they just hate going to weddings." --Jay Leno

"The Illinois Senate passed a bill on Wednesday to legalize medical marijuana. The bill was passed after the state senator said, 'Come on, dude, pass it. Come on.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"I'm learning a lot about Los Angeles. This is cool. When Los Angeles was founded its original name was El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles del Rio de Porciuncula. That's true. Luckily for us, that name was changed before Arnold Schwarzenegger moved here." --Conan O'Brien

"Talk about a guy who won't go away. How about Osama bin Laden? I mean, come on. Come on with this guy. And there's another one of those aggravating tapes that he sends out from time to time and they put them on the Al Jazeera network. There's a new tape and people say, 'Well, how do we know this is a current tape?' Well I'll tell you how you can tell that this is a current tape. At the end of the tape, he wishes Jay luck on the new 10 p.m. show." --David Letterman

And in the new tape, it's a long, crazy man, lunatic rant condemning President Obama. Oh no, wait a minute, that's Cheney. That was Cheney doing that." --David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney? He's really quite busy here lately. He's talking. He says now that Saddam Hussein, listen to this, think about this, Saddam Hussein, who used to be the guy running the show there in Iraq, said Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with 9/11. Whoa. And to get that information, Cheney admits that he had to waterboard himself." --David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh said today he might change his mind about something. I'm like, what?! He said he might support President Obama's nominee for the Supreme Court. Wow! Sounds like someone got a new prescription." --Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden put out a new audiotape today. I'm like, you're a bit behind the times, you know. We don't use the audiotape. Everyone is on Twitter now." --Craig Ferguson

"President Obama used the word shukran, the Arabic word for thank you, in response to a compliment from the king today. The compliment, 'I appreciate that you didn't bring Joe Biden.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Today in New Hampshire, the state Senate approved a bill that would help legalize same-sex marriage. Yeah. Their new state motto is 'Live Free or Bi.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Despite opposition from the public, President Obama says he's determined to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. To make sure Guantanamo Bay closes, Obama said the new warden will be the CEO of General Motors." --Conan O'Brien

"And Cheney now is criticizing the Obama Administration because they're trying to close Guantanamo Bay. He says they don't have a clear plan for closing Gitmo. That's what Cheney says to the Obama Administration. And I was thinking, well, you know, Cheney is right, because that Iraq war thing was so well thought out." --David Letterman

"Hey, how about General Motors? Oh, my gosh. It's crazy what's going on. General Motors, bankrupt. Biggest corporation in the world and now they still want money. They still want billions more bailout money. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, 'You want more money? Wait here while I talk to the manager. I'll be right back." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend, Barack Obama took Michelle on a date. He and the First Lady flew to New York City, they had a fancy dinner and they went to see a Broadway show. Mr. President, I respect you, but knock it off! You’re making the rest of us look bad. Really, this is not the kind of change that I can believe in." --Craig Ferguson

"If you heard the news today, you know that the state of California is officially out of money. We have no money — one day without Leno, everything goes to hell around here." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Beautiful day here in New York City, am I right? So nice today that General Motors sold a convertible." --David Letterman

"I want to congratulate General Motors' newest CEO, us. General Motors filed for bankruptcy earlier today, but it's not all bad. I kind of like our chances. They say that the company will emerge from bankruptcy in three years or 36,000 miles, whichever comes first." --Jimmy Fallon

"So Sotomayor is clearly a Latina woman. What affect will that have on her opposition? [on screen: South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham asking, 'My question is, does she really understand what America is about?']. Excellent question for the American-born judge." --Jon Stewart

"Now, folks, I've said it before, I am a member of a persecuted minority: white males. Last week, my people were marginalized even more when President Obama nominated Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court! There wasn't a single white male on his short list! That sends a terrible message to all the little white boys out there who dream of one day having their judicial reputation destroyed by the media." –Stephen Colbert

"Obama appointed a Latina to the Supreme Court this week. Sonia Sotomayor. Her background? Graduated first in her class at Princeton. Yale Law School, was a prosecutor, a sitting judge for 18 years, or, as conservatives call it, 'unqualified.' --Bill Maher

"Here's a woman who was raised in the Bronx, a tough neighborhood without a father. And that's how you know America is a great country, when your Supreme Court justice has the same back story as your lap dancer." --Bill Maher

"She's, of course, being attacked by the right wing. A lot of the commentators saying she was wrong to say ... that a wise Latina woman ... with her experiences could be more often counted on to reach a better conclusion on issues than a white male without those experiences. Which prompted white males like Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to go out and prove her point." --Bill Maher

"Rush and his ilk have come up with a name for the first Hispanic on the Supreme Court that's been 99% white men for 200 years, and that name is 'reverse racist.' She is a racist, and someone has to stop her, because for too long, white men have been kept down by powerful Puerto Rican women." --Bill Maher

"But the best is the guy from the National Review, the bible of conservatives, a guy named Mark Kerkorian -- yeah, like he came over from the Mayflower. That's Armenian, I would guess. He says she's not pronouncing her name right, and that's sort of offensive to the rest of us 'real Americans,' Mr. Kerkorian, and that she ... pronounces 'Sotomayor' [with the] accent on the last syllable. That's not American. She should emphasize the first syllable. That would be a 'natural English pronunciation.' So whenever I refer to this guy, I'm going to, just to annoy him, emphasize the last syllable, and call him a 'doucheBAG.'" --Bill Maher