July 30

"Did you watch President Obama's press conference last night? Well, boring. Let me tell you. I know he's our president so I shouldn't say this, but if he loves this healthcare proposal so much, why doesn't he marry it?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama tried to get a fire going under the lawmakers before the August recess, which is when they take a one-month break in order to visit their girlfriends in South America." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But the chances of getting a vote on the bill done by August doesn't look good. Right now, it's being held up in the Senate by a group of conservative-leaning Democrats called Blue Dogs. I never heard of this. They're called blue because they're from blue states and dogs because they roll over for the healthcare lobby. And also, they eat their own poop." --Jimmy Kimmel

“Here's news from Pakistan. They believe now, intelligence believes, that a US missile attack about six months ago killed one of Osama bin Laden's sons. And the CIA believes that it was the hot-tempered Sonny." --David Letterman

"But Osama's favorite son, of course, was Osama W. bin Laden. He was - no, he wasn't too bright.'" --David Letterman

"Anybody see President Obama's press conference last night on television about the health plan? Here's the deal - it will cost a trillion dollars but that will be in three easy payments of $330 billion a month, so it's not that bad." --David Letterman

"President Obama was on TV again last night. And, you know, it's interesting - political experts are now saying that President Obama is giving so many interviews and appearing on so many television shows that he's starting to dilute his own message which I think is unfair because I thought Obama was pretty convincing last night on 'Ice Road Truckers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"War of words now between Hillary Clinton and North Korea. Getting nasty. Earlier this week, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said that North Koreans were acting like children. Yesterday, a spokesman for North Korea said Hillary Clinton was acting like a schoolgirl. Now, folks, is it me or is it obvious these two like each other?" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama said that the Cambridge police 'acted stupidly' when they arrested a professor for being a cat burglar in his own home. And now, President Obama says that he regrets saying, 'stupid.' What he meant was, 'retarded.'" --Bill Maher

"It's comforting to know that the men with the guns and Mace the Tasers and the license to kill are this thin-skinned, isn't it? But I guess they are, because about an hour ago, Air Force One was pulled over for a broken tail-light." --Bill Maher

"So, I don't know if this is a case of racism. The police in Cambridge say it had nothing to do with Gates being black. They said they would have given the same treatment to any minority." --Bill Maher

"But it's all coming out okay, because Obama today spoke to Officer Crowley on the phone. He said he was a good man, a good policeman, and they could find common ground. Although he did find it strange at the end of their conversation that Crowley demanded to see his birth certificate." --Bill Maher

"More than you might expect, actually, apparently there was a group of Americans who did not believe that Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore should not be president. They're called 'birthers.' They are. The birthers want Obama's election to be invalidated, which, I'm not sure what their goal is. Are they aware that Joe Biden would be the president?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"The birthers believe that the president was secretly born in Kenya. ... I always thought he was born in a manger in Jerusalem." --Jimmy Kimmel

"But Kenya makes no sense. Listen, if Barack Obama had been born in Kenya, don't you think Madonna would have adopted him by now?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big news up in Alaska. Sarah Palin will formally step down as governor on Sunday, leaving us completely unprotected from the Russians." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin will be stepping down in two days. Unless, of course, she decides to leave early." --David Letterman

"Governor Palin says she's leaving office because she wants to spend more time hunting down her escaped son-in-law." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw a perfect game. And afterwards, he had a five-minute phone conversation with President Obama, which was very cool. Meanwhile, the losing pitcher got a two-hour phone call from Joe Biden. " --Conan O'Brien

"This is crazy. Three mayors in New Jersey were arrested yesterday in a huge money laundering scheme. Investigators knew something didn't smell right, aside from what normally didn't smell right in New Jersey." --Jimmy Fallon

"This August, President Obama is renting a vacation home on Martha's Vineyard. It's amazing. It has a basketball court, swimming pool, apple orchard and a driving range. The president says he can't wait to shoot hoops, while Michelle looks forward to pulling apple trees out of the ground with her bare hands." --Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Farewell Party
10. More tiny hot dog appetizers? You betcha.
9. Don't forget to schedule an appointment with Joe the Mover.
8. Quiet down! We don't want to wake the Russians.
7. Todd, I've always wanted to know -- what do you do exactly?
6. John McCain passed out in the dip!
5. Where can I check my pelt?
4. Bad news -- the new governor just quit.
3. Please accept this gift from all of us at Lenscrafters.
2. 'Dancing with the Stars' called, they got your resume.
1. I haven't seen you since the 'Fire Dave Letterman' Rally

"Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned yesterday, and during her speech, she was heckled. Apparently, it was just someone in Russia yelling, 'Keep it down over there!'" --Conan O'Brien

"In her final speech as Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin compared herself to a grizzly bear. Her exact words were, 'I have the public speaking ability of a grizzly bear.'" --Conan O'Brien

"To ease tensions, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the police officer who arrested him to join him for a beer at the White House. And if that works out, Obama's going to have Ahmadinejad and Netanyahu over for Jaegerbombs." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is hosting a delegation of 150 Chinese officials in Washington. Among the questions the Chinese have for the U.S.: 'What's your military policy? What is your stance on global warming? And where's our money?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Critics of the federal stimulus plan say that millions of dollars are being wasted on fixing up bathrooms at our national parks. They may be right, because, this week, they turned Old Faithful into a bidet." --Conan O'Brien

"You know what they're saying, that President Obama is trying to do too much too soon. You have heard that criticism? They criticized him for trying to do too much too soon and the fact that he wears baggie jeans. No wonder his poll numbers are going down." --David Letterman

"But it's too much too soon. Just kind of the opposite of President Bush, too little too late." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, the 'Thrilla from Wasilla' officially passed the reins of power to her lieutenant governor at a picnic in Fairbanks [on screen: Palin explaining that she's leaving office to avoid a 'lame duck' session]. So that's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom! Pit bulls don't quit and then try to pretend like their quitting is not really quitting because they are quitting!" --Jon Stewart

"Here is another thing you rarely see from pit bulls. Pit bulls almost never invoke our troops' ultimate sacrifice in order to silence critics. Did I just get in trouble? Why do I think that Palin's concern for media accuracy is in reference to the Sarah Palin $150,000 wardrobe story and not the Iraq WMD story? 'Cause only one of those stories really has any bearing on American troops." --Jon Stewart

"Palin resigned a year-and-a-half before her term ends because she didn't want Alaska to have a lame-duck governor. Now, she has a book deal presumed to be worth millions. And I cannot wait to read it. I believe on the tenth page, she decides since the book is going to end anyway, to leave the last two hundred pages blank." -Stephen Colbert

"I've always been impressed by Palin's eloquent speeches, but she saved the best for last [on screen: excerpts from Palin's resignation speech]. I was so moved by her farewell speech, that I want to say goodbye to her in the same way I imagine she writes her own speeches [on screen: Stephen pulls out a hunter's cap filled with slips of paper, and reads from them, one-by-one]. Sarah, 'cherished freedoms' ... 'is that' ... 'some may say, and to those some' ...'gas pipeline' ...'to those brave soldiers' ... 'snow machines' ... 'pals around with' ...'Patrick the Starfish'. ... But mostly, Sarah, you will be missed because you are the 'U.S. American' ... of ... 'your choice of toppings.' Truer words were never randomly generated." --Stephen Colbert

"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It's difficult to tell." --Craig Ferguson

"Over the weekend, the President of France fainted while jogging. First of all, what kind of president of France is jogging? He should be smoking!" --Craig Ferguson

"He's all right now. But for a couple of minutes, he was so woozy he mistook his wife for his mistress." --Craig Ferguson

"Some people now are saying, this is true, that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin wants to host her own TV show. The show is going to be called 'Am I More Coherent Than a Fifth Grader?'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama held a Q & A session about healthcare reform with senior citizens over the Internet. Unfortunately, the senior citizens spent the entire hour typing questions into their microwave ovens." --Conan O'Brien

"There is one thing we know for sure. Barack Obama was not born in the United States, making him constitutionally ineligible to serve as president. You see, I'm a member of the proud 'birther' movement -- made up of decent, old-fashioned Americans who just want to overturn a democratic election. And yesterday, our cause made it all the way to the White House [on screen: WH press sec. Robert Gibbs, asked why the birther issue keeps coming up, tells reporters, 'Because for $15, you can get an Internet address and say whatever you want']. Of course, Gibbs has his own secrets. You can read all about them at my $15 website, RobertGibbsIsTheZodiacKiller.com. That was worth every penny." --Stephen Colbert

"Yesterday, of course, on Fox News commentator Glenn Beck said that he believes President Obama is a racist. Well, to be fair, every time you watch Glenn Beck, it does get a little easier to hate white people." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates and the policeman who arrested him to the White House. Reportedly, Obama is going to serve them Budweiser. And in the spirit of racial harmony, Budweiser is changing its nickname from the 'King of Beers' to the 'Martin Luther King of Beers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Former Governor Sarah Palin, she's rumored to be interested in a new career as a talk radio host. It's a four-hour show but she'll be gone after two. So, that's -- she says it's part of her deal." --Jimmy Fallon

"Of course, you have to remember, radio host is now the most powerful position in the Republican Party. 'The Morning Drive' on WQU-Betcha. Should be exciting." --Jimmy Fallon

[Clip of the week: Watch John Stewart on the “birther”movement]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/23/jon-stewart-eviscerates-t_n_243383.html

July 24

"The tag Republicans kept throwing to hang around Sonia Sotomayor's neck was 'reverse racist.' They said, you know, it's reverse racists like her that give regular racists like them a bad name." --Bill Maher

"It looks like healthcare reform really is gaining momentum and is going to happen. Now of course Republicans say the plan is too confusing, too convoluted, but you know, these are the same people who say they can make sense out of a Sarah Palin speech." --Bill Maher

"I know where I'm going to go on my next break. I'm going to the C Street House in Washington, D.C. You know what this is? It's kind of a frat house for Christian congressman, where they live and pray together and counsel each other on how to adhere to the nine commandments." --Bill Maher

"I say the nine commandments because Gov. Sanford hung out there, John Ensign, the Senator from Nevada who was banging his chief of staff's wife, he lives there. And now a third alumnus, a former Republican congressman named Chip Pickering, has also been exposed for cheating on his wife, apparently actually in the house. It kind of makes you miss those innocent days when Republicans just tried to blow a stranger in an airport bathroom." --Bill Maher

"President Obama recently said that the best way to pay for his health care plan is to raise taxes on people like him. As a result, the government is raising taxes on all half-Kenyan, half-Kansan presidents who were born in Hawaii." --Conan O'Brien

"Experts say the video game industry has been dramatically hurt by the economic downturn. Which explains the popularity of the new Nintendo game, 'Wii Job Interview.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Forty years ago, Apollo 11 left for the moon. ... The whole thing was delayed. Do you remember the delay? They had to go through Newark." --David Letterman

"President Obama, he's the kind of guy with a lot of foresight, a lot of vision. He says that he would like to put another man on the moon. He's thinking about maybe Joe Biden." --David Letterman

"In the end Sotomayor coasted through the hearings by proving she had a great respect for judicial precedent. The judicial precedent being that Supreme Court nominees do their best during a hearing to say nothing." --Jon Stewart

"According to a new poll, 42% of Americans say they would vote for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support her decision to step down in 2013." --Conan O'Brien

"Gov. Sanford is still trying to recover from his sex scandal. This is the latest. This weekend, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his behavior. I'm not sure he's sincere, though, because it starts out, 'Dear Penthouse.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Secretary of State Hillary Clinton announced that the United States will build two nuclear plants in India. And here's the weird part about those power plants. They're going to outsource all the jobs to Americans." --Jimmy Fallon

"The governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is stepping down from office. Will no longer be the governor of Alaska on Sunday. So right about now, Sarah Palin should be taking her grizzly bear head off the wall and packing it in bubble wrap." --David Letterman

"She's leaving office because she wants to spend more time riding in a helicopter shooting wildlife." --David Letterman

"Happy birthday to former Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Sixty-four years old. And if you are wondering where the celebration is, well, it's in the stall with the yellow balloons." --David Letterman

"Looks like Paula Abdul may not be going back to 'American Idol.' And that means President Obama has to nominate another new judge." --David Letterman

"It was that fateful day in July that we planted the Stars and Stripes in the lunar surface, officially claiming the moon as America's space Puerto Rico. It was all ours. It was the culmination of a dream. ... It took us ten years, astronauts' lives, billions of dollars, and all we did is hit a f***ing golf ball? ... I can't help but think, if only there'd been Moon Indians. By now, we'd probably have hourly shuttles to the moon casinos that we had to give them as an apology for the terrible Earthpox epidemic of 1973." --Jon Stewart

"Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vag***." --Jon Stewart

"Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to 'trust god in his larger work of changing me.' I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you're not banging a hot Argentinean woman. You're 'undergoing a religious metamorphosis.' And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I'm in!" --Jon Stewart

"President Obama throws out the first pitch at the All-Star Game. And people are criticizing him because he had the big baggy jeans on, but Obama says Americans have it all wrong if they want a president who looks great in tight jeans. I think that was Al Gore's campaign slogan, wasn't it?" --David Letterman

"I want to tell you something. In all honesty, if we had wanted a president who looked good in pants, we'd have elected Hillary. You know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Obama extended Dick Cheney - you remember Dick Cheney, Vice President Dick 'Ka-Boom' Cheney, you remember him? He extended his Secret Service protection for another six months. Hey, I'll tell you who needs protection, Cheney's hunting buddies." --David Letterman

"Here's how bad the economy is. Now people can't afford to be buried in a cemetery so they're being buried in their backyard. Well, I mean, you think about it. You sink all your money into real estate. Why not go with it?" --David Letterman

"On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the U.S. will send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy, 'Reverse Psychology.'" --Jimmy Fallon

"Good News for California. This just came out. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget shortfall. Schwarzenegger says it won't be pretty, but times like this call for a sequel to 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Seriously, though, this is very good news. You should be happy. Schwarzenegger has found a way to close the state's $26 billion budget deficit. It's giant. Now I can't get into all the details, but in short, Fresno is now part of China." --Conan O'Brien

"The Republicans had been running a surprisingly effective campaign against the proposal for national healthcare, but the President found a very clever way to get them on board. Behind the scenes, he offered a key provision that would provide free breast implants for their girlfriends." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Anybody in China yesterday? The solar eclipse lasted almost 7 minutes and China was plunged right into the darkness right into the middle of the - wait a minute, that's their pollution." --David Letterman

"But interesting reaction to the solar eclipse. Rush Limbaugh says that the solar eclipse proves the unreliability of solar power." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from Alaska? Sarah Palin, some bad news for Sarah Palin - there's another report now that she may have violated Alaska's ethics laws. Like I'm going to say something about that." --David Letterman

"We're learning more and more about Obama's healthcare plan, and if it passes, the healthcare plan, if that passes, President Obama will have the governor of South Carolina neutered. Did you realize that?" --David Letterman

"But the governor of South Carolina, Governor Sanford has lately been seen not wearing his wedding ring. And I was thinking, geez, I hope he didn't lose it while he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Then he'll never find it." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, Secretary of state Hillary Clinton was in India. And today, there was a total eclipse of the sun. After hearing about it, Bill Clinton said, 'If there's one thing Hillary's good at, it's making the light go out of your life.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Weird story about General Motors. General Motors just announced they've created - I'm not kidding - a new line of Cadillac cologne. The Cadillac cologne slogan is, 'Smell like you owe the Federal government $10 billion.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Economists say the recession getting so bad, it's driving down the prices of many goods. In fact, folks, it has gotten so bad, the 99-cent store just changed its name to 'You know what? Just take it.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The astronauts went on a space walk today to change the batteries on the outside of the International Space Station. They hope the space walk will answer some key questions...Like, who put the batteries on the outside of the space station?" --Craig Ferguson

"Did you guys see Michelle Obama last night? She just got a new haircut. It's the first real cut of the Obama Administration." --Jimmy Fallon

"To commemorate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, the three astronauts from Apollo 11 visited the White House. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were allowed to set foot inside the White House, while Michael Collins was forced to drive around in circles outside." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama had a private, 35-minute meeting at the Vatican with Pope Benedict. That's right, folks, the man considered by many followers to be infallible had a meeting with Pope Benedict." --Conan O'Brien

"Good news for GM today. They emerged from bankruptcy and the newly appointed CEO said that the company will now build cars that Americans want. After hearing this, GM employees said, 'You can tell this guy's new around here.'" --Conan O'Brien

"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, 'Are you gonna finish that?'" --David Letterman

"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she sees no need for a House resolution in praise of Michael Jackson. Pelosi added, 'Isn't it enough that I'm slowly starting to look like him?'" --Conan O'Brien

"This week in Moscow, President Obama and President Medvedev agreed to cut the United States and Russia's nuclear stockpiles by a third. They also agreed to cut Medvedev's name by a 'ev.' It's going to be Medved." --Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin no longer governor of Alaska, and it looks now, like she may get her own television program, you know. And I was thinking I don't know, she seems pretty camera shy." --David Letterman

"Now how about this guy? That Osama bin Laden, what a guy. And turns out now his first wife -- and he had, like, 30 or 40 wives -- well, his first wife has written a book about being married to a bin Laden. And she says that she suspected the marriage was in trouble when he told her he was going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"Hot today in New York City. So hot today that Sarah Palin had to wear sunblock for her rambling press conference." --David Letterman

"So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA And he goes to the CIA -- and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret -- and he goes to the CIA, and he says, 'Boys, this will just be between you and me. We're going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don't tell Congress.' Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'" --David Letterman

"President Obama is going to be working in the broadcast booth during the All-Star Game. Everybody says, 'Oh, that's cute.' But let me tell you something. You know the economy is bad when the President has to take a second gig." --David Letterman

"Today, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor got under way. And, of course, people have opinions on both sides. Critics of Judge Sotomayor claim that she has a bias against white people. But this morning, she proved them wrong by showing up at the hearings wearing a Coldplay t-shirt and carrying a yoga mat." --Conan O'Brien

"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has another nominee in the news. That's right. President Obama's nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you." --Conan O'Brien

"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien

"As I watched the press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation

"Yeah, I guess you could stay in your job and overcome the distractions and difficulties that have come from your national candidacy, but that's what dead quitty fish would do. And you're no dead quitty fish! You are leaving the water, and living on land, like smart fish! You're quitting." --Jon Stewart

"Take it from a guy who's quit a lot of jobs. You're quitting. I've done the whole 'dead fish' thing myself. 'Hey, f*** this bakery! I'm no dead fish! I'm outta here.'" --Jon Stewart

"More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because they really need a strong lefty off the bench." --Conan O'Brien

"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman

"Now here is the thing. ... if it weren't for Dick Cheney and his secret assassination squad, Osama bin Laden would be alive today." --David Letterman

"I guess everyone is following Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court confirmation hearing. Did you hear what happened yesterday? Her twin nephews fell asleep during the hearings. But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing. What are you supposed to do? Root for it? Start the wave?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's friends say they are worried about her because she looks frail and her hair is thinning. It's all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain." --Jimmy Fallon

For her part, Sonia Sotomayor sat perfectly still as senator after senator after senator talked over her, at her, and down to her. Never, ever moving. In fact, at one point, she sat so still her body's screensaver came on." --Jon Stewart

"Everybody knows Sotomayor will get confirmed. Even the GOP can't take her on, because she is the first Hispanic nominated to the Supreme Court, and they don't want to offend Latino voters. That's why they no longer talk about the 'border fence.' It's now called the 'welcome wall.'" --Stephen Colbert

"South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is trying to bounce back from his sex scandal. Sanford has cleared his schedule this week to take a personal trip with his wife. Isn't that nice? Sanford said he wanted to go somewhere exotic and romantic, but he's going to get this trip with his wife out of the way first." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Democrats in the House introduced a 1,000-page national healthcare plan. To make sure at least some people read it, they named it 'Harry Potter and the Half-Pound Proposal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"How about that Harry Potter movie? Opened today as a matter of fact. In this one, Harry goes up against Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad." --David Letterman

"This weekend is the 10th anniversary of 'SpongeBob SquarePants.' President Obama recently said SpongeBob is his favorite cartoon. He loves to watch that silly little guy run around and say crazy stuff, annoying everyone. Reminds him of Joe Biden." --Craig Ferguson

[Finally, this blast from the past Saturday Night Live at its best. This is when the confirmation hearing of Clarence Thomas was taking place. Ironically, Al Franken was acting as a Senator in the hearing. As you may have noticed, he was there in the recent Sotomayer hearing—as an actual Senator.
Caution: This is late night SNL, no graphics but plenty of ...er... interesting language—so use headphones as needed.]
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/16/frankens-first-time-aroun_n_236141.html

July 10

There was a surprising announcement over the weekend. Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin is leaving office. She's stepping down. Something I said?" --David Letterman

"But a lot of public figures do this. And I've tried to do it. Doesn't work. You blame the media. When you have trouble, you blame the media. And today, as a matter of fact, she was up in a helicopter, shooting Wolf Blitzer." --David Letterman

"But I was talking to a lady here in the audience who's from Alaska. And we were wondering about this. How does a thing like this work? Because she steps down and no longer the governor of Alaska. And we figured it out, the title now is -- Miss Congeniality steps up, I think, -- is now the governor of Alaska. I think so." --David Letterman

"How about that North Korea? Over the weekend, launched seven missiles, and Joe Biden, the Vice President, says that they're just trying to get attention. Well, that should calm things down." --David Letterman

"Mark Sanford described his girlfriend as his 'soulmate.' And I thought, well, if there is one thing that beautiful women love, it's a fiscal conservative, am I right?" --David Letterman

"But Governor Mark Sanford didn't really enjoy this year's Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina." --David Letterman

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, here's something very exciting. President Obama is in Russia although he told his staff he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman

"But he's over there. He's talking about getting some major concessions from the Russians. And Russia has agreed -- now, this is surprising -- they agreed now to produce fewer nuclear warheads and more hot tennis babes." --David Letterman

"President Obama right now is in Russia. Yeah, Obama went there because from Russia, you can actually see Sarah Palin cleaning out her office in Alaska." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin shocked the country by resigning as governor of Alaska. Out of nowhere. It's crazy. She resigned. Yeah, Republicans aren't sure who is going to fill her role in the party. But they are in talks with several of the Real Housewives of New Jersey." --Conan O'Brien

"In her resignation speech, Sarah Palin said she polled her children on whether she should resign and the count was unanimous. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, even her children thought she was in over her head." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of political sex scandals, there's a rumor that former presidential candidate John Edwards made a sex tape with his mistress. It's true. Yeah, sources say the tape starts off with 45 minutes of John Edwards running his fingers through his own hair." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, the very big news, you can't avoid it, Sarah Palin's quitting as governor of Alaska. Everybody is shocked. Palin hasn't made a decision this controversial since deciding whether to wear her hair up or down." --Craig Ferguson

"Don't worry about the state of Alaska. They'll be fine. According to the state constitution, the job automatically goes to the lieutenant governor, Chilly Willy." --Craig Ferguson

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien

"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain says he's been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he's been Twittering on his garage door opener." --Conan O'Brien

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman

"A lot of entertainers are getting in to politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska." --David Letterman

"Kim Jong Il today made rare public appearance. Here's what happened. He saw the shadow of his hair, went back in his hole." --David Letterman

"But Kim Jong Il watchers saw King Jong Il, and they said he didn't look good. They said, in fact, he was pale and haggard, and the headlines of the North Korean newspapers today read 'Kim Jong Il Ill.'" --David Letterman

"[But] friends of Governor Palin are saying that she is resigning because she is tired of attacks from the media. Thank God I didn't say anything." --David Letterman

"Here's something wacky. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- and this guy has literally like 40 wives or something, yeah, 40 wives -- well his first wife, wife No. 1, is writing a book all about Osama bin Laden. It's a fascinating story. And it talks about when Osama was 16 years old, when he was just a kid, listen to this, he wrecked the family camel." --David Letterman

"But the book is going to be huge. It's being published by Random Cave." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations on your new senator, Al Franken, finally sworn in as Senator of Minnesota. Sworn in today, down in Washington. A lovely ceremony, officiated by the Church Lady." --David Letterman

"They swear him in today. Listen to this. He has to race right back to Minnesota to begin his re-election campaign. It's crazy." --David Letterman

"It's an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America's most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don't worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, in Russia, President Obama delivered a speech to the graduating class of Moscow's new economic school. That's right. The title of his speech was 'Can We Borrow 4 Trillion Rubles, Please?'" --Conan O'Brien

"General Motors had some good news. General Motors says it's struggling to meet demand for its new 2010 Chevrolet Camaro. G.M. said they're 'sorry, but both of you are going to have to wait a little longer.'" --Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages on Sarah Palin's Answering Machine
10. "Hi, it's George W. Bush. Why didn't anyone tell me resigning was an option?"
9. "It's John McCain--Why did I call?"
8. "Mark Sanford here. Ever been to Argentina?"
7. "I'm calling from Geico to see if you want to renew your dogsled insurance"
6. "It's Letterman. We still cool?"
5. "McCain again. Still no idea why I called"
4. "Hi, it's the dry cleaner. Having trouble getting caribou blood out of your Prada jacket"
3. "Hi, it's Sarah...Oops...Dialed my own number"
2. "Schwarzenegger here. If you want a job, California could use a new governor"
1. "Hey, it's McCain. Who would've thought you'd retire before I did"

July 3

"Hey, you know what is going on over in Iran with the election? Have you been following that? Oh, it's crazy. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared himself a winner. Had a victory party. And he came out at the victory party and he thanked the 148% of the people who voted for him." --David Letterman

"This Ahmadinejad guy, during all those protests, keeping a very low profile in Iran. His staff said he was hiking." --David Letterman

"Anybody here from South Carolina? You're here but you don't want to admit it." --David Letterman

"Turned out the governor disappears, for like, the weekend. Finally, his staff said, 'Don't worry about the Governor, he is on the Appalachian Trail hiking.' But it turns out he was in South America. And it turned out he was down there because he was with a woman from Argentina. Seeing a woman from Argentina named Maria. And I was thinking Judge Sotomayor was apparently wrong because Latina woman don't necessarily have better judgment than white men." --David Letterman

"It's a disaster for everybody down there in South Carolina. Although I have to say, yesterday, it was nice to see somebody else apologize on TV." --David Letterman

"But in this sense, Gov. Sanford is a little like President Obama. He has Friday night date night, it's just not with his wife." --David Letterman

"Let's run this down, it was last week, Senator Ensign, Republican, he comes on the television and admits he has an affair. And this week, Governor Sanford of South Carolina, Republican, gets on the television and admits he had an affair. And I was thinking, why do the Republicans have this problem? And it finally came to me. The trouble started with Bob Dole when he was doing those commercials for Viagra." --David Letterman

"At a press conference yesterday, in case you don't know, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted to having a mistress from Argentina. That's right. Yeah, then there was an awkward moment as he waited for someone to give him a high five." --Conan O'Brien

"Governor Sanford may have broken the law, that's the latest. Yeah, they say he may have broken the law because he left the country without transferring power to his lieutenant governor. Yeah, he didn't transfer power. Yeah, apparently Sanford violated South Carolina's sacred bros before hoes law." --Conan O'Brien

"A British furniture company was caught trying to slip advertisements into Twitter by linking them to the Iranian election crisis. Isn't that the lowest? Yeah, probably the most shameless had to be, 'Tired of all the unrest? Try our Serta Perfect Sleeper.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The governor of South Carolina, yesterday, his name is Mark Sanford, he had been missing for four days. He admitted he was visiting his mistress in Argentina, which I think is outrageous. How dare this man, a married man, in this economy, outsource to a foreign country when there are plenty of slutty women living right here in the United States. Am I right, fellow Americans?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"What's especially sad is that most people of a certain generation only know Michael Jackson as a crazy guy who had a lot of plastic surgery -- whereas the truth is, he was not only an unbelievably talented, groundbreaking performer, he also helped break down the racial prejudice in this country. He was an extremely powerful symbol -- a black performer who whites could relate to and then later in life, a white performer who blacks could relate to." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's been reported that Governor Sanford's mistress was a reporter for an Argentinean news channel. Did you know that? That's true. Yeah, this makes Sanford just the latest Republican to claim he got screwed by the media." --Conan O'Brien

"Celebrity birthday, Ross Perot, do you remember Ross Perot, ran for president a couple of times? 79 years old today, and still vital, vibrant and going strong. As a matter of fact, he received 9% of the vote in Iran." --David Letterman