December 30

(Most of the late night hosts are on vacation, so not that many quotes this week)

“The census shows there are more than 308 million people living in America. The amazing part is: More than half of those people are Americans." –Jay Leno

"Imagining Donald Trump flying on Jet Blue is like trying to imagine Sarah Palin flying on Air Force One." –David Letterman

"It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth." –Jay Leno

"On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government shouldn’t tell us what to do. Sarah Palin believes she should tell us what to do." –David Letterman

"The Pilgrims landed on this date in 1620. The first year they lost everything they had, in an Indian casino." –David Letterman

"Happy birthday to Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama was going to get him a present, but it's a little weird buying someone a gift with their own money." –Jimmy Fallon

"Congress repealed 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'. The Pentagon can now start production on 'Iraq the Musical.'" –David Letterman

"Last night on 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' the Palins went white water rafting with a guide named Mudflap. It was such an odd name Sarah Palin asked, "Are you sure you're not one of my kids?" –Jimmy Fallon

"It has been raining hard here in Los Angeles. We have gotten so much water, illegal immigrants are literally coming in waves." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises In The 2010 Census"

10. Census Bureau lost count halfway through and had to start over
9. Population has grown by 9.7 percent; Population's waist size has grown by 42 percent
8. North Dakota is used mainly for storage
7. The profile of the average American is a Minnesota claims-adjuster named Duane
6. Wealthiest neighborhood is wherever Tiger Woods' ex-wife is staying that day
5. More Americans get their news from RKO newsreels than from any other source
4. Only one American wore a meat dress last year
3. Osama bin Laden owns a specialty cheese shop in Park Slope, Brooklyn
2. Eighty-seven percent of professional athletes have dated Kim Kardashian
1. Most common name for women: Mrs. Larry King

December 22

"You wouldn't know it in Los Angeles, but it's freezing in much of the country, with temperatures in the 20s in parts of Florida. I don't know how she did it, but the whole country has turned into 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Michelle Obama said that obesity is a national security threat because 1 in 4 young people are too overweight to join the military. Couldn't we just have a separate fat army to fight in countries that don't have hills?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner has been released from the hospital after undergoing treatment for a kidney stone. He says he's recovering. Good luck, that's what he said about the economy." –Jay Leno

"Chernobyl is being opened to tourists. I guess for people who feel they’re not getting enough radiation from the body scanners. It’s the perfect destination for people who like to experience toxic wastelands and have already been to New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Someone apparently found an old Internet dating profile posted by WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange, and it has been posted online. Assange was furious, saying 'Some things are supposed to be private.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama met with leaders of 60 American Indian tribes. I don't want to say the country's in bad shape, but he offered to give it back to them." –Jay Leno

"The president was honored by the Indians with his own Indian name. They now call him, 'Dances With Republicans.'" –Jay Leno

"A lot of companies had their Christmas parties tonight. A lot of people couldn't make it because their company is in India." –Jay Leno

"On his last show, Larry King told Bill Clinton they were both members of the Zipper Club because they both had open heart surgery. Clinton was, "Uh, yeah, that's why I'm a member of the Zipper Club..." –Jimmy Fallon

"The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is NOT a cancer threat after all. Or as I'll be reporting the story 10 years from now, 'The EPA just announced that the artificial sweetener saccharin is definitely a cancer threat after all.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey finds that although his approval ratings are low, President Obama is still ahead of the most prominent Republicans. Have you seen his tax plan? He is the most prominent Republican." –Jay Leno

"A group of TSA agents has formed a choir to entertain travelers as they go through security. It's not helping that the only song they sing is Journey's 'Loving, Touching, Squeezing.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This Christmas season, the post office will handle 10 billion packages. They won't deliver them, they'll just handle them." –David Letterman

"In Abu Dhabi, there's an $11 million Christmas tree. The prime minister of Abu Dhabi said he hoped the tree would be a symbol that Abu Dhabi has a lot more money than us. And that we're paying far too much for gas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Obamas had their dog, Bo, sign their Christmas card this year with a paw print. But Bo only agreed to do it after Obama agreed to extend the Bush-era treats policy." –Jimmy Fallon

"Several TSA officers have formed a holiday choir at the Los Angeles International Airport. Which, of course, answers the question: How can going through airport security possibly get any worse?" –Jimmy Fallon

December 17

"Sarah Palin flew down to Haiti to help earthquake victims. Poor Haitians, they can't get a break. First the earthquake, then the hurricanes, and now Sarah Palin." –David Letterman

"Palin went camping with Kate Gosselin on her TV show. What a pair. You have a vapid media star desperate for attention — and then there's Kate Gosselin." –David Letterman

"Kate Gosselin was on the TLC show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska,' and Palin told Kate that you're putting your family in danger if you don't bring a gun with you in the wilderness. Of course there's always the other option: not taking your kids into the wilderness." –Jimmy Fallon

"FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That's right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, 'kind of a slow day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real." –Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine is now ranking the best tweets of the year and, according to Time, the best tweet for 2010 was written by John McCain. Experts say it's even more impressive because McCain thought he was opening his garage door." –Conan O'Brien

"Anderson Cooper has announced that the title of his new show is just 'Anderson.' I think I speak for everyone here at 'Conan' when I say, 'God, what an ego on that guy!'" –Conan O'Brien

"Some of the WikiLeaks people are said to be leaving to start their own site OpenLeaks. To which WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said, 'You'd better not steal any of our stuff...' –Jay Leno

"Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner had to go to the hospital today because of a kidney stone. On the bright side, the stone was the first thing in months passed by a member of the Obama administration." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter." –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's daughter, Jenna, just put her home in Baltimore on the market for $500,000. The real estate agent said, 'I just want to warn you that offers have gone way down ever since the economy was ruined by . . . someone.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama lit the national Christmas tree, a 40-foot Colorado Spruce. Republicans don't believe it's really from Colorado, and they want to see a birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Apparently the president couldn't decide whether to put white Christmas lights or red and green Christmas lights up. Why not just ask the Republicans? They'll tell you what to do." –Craig Ferguson

"Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush." –Jay Leno

"According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American TV shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they've already won." –Conan O'Brien

"WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated." –Jimmy Fallon

"Supporters of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been targeting Sarah Palin's accounts. They figured out her password, which was 'Palin2012.' They got it on the first guess." –Jimmy Kimmel

"After hacking into Visa and MasterCard yesterday, WikiLeaks supporters now want to take down Amazon.com. After they do it, Amazon will suggest a list of similar sites they might also enjoy hacking." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time magazine's Person of the Year. They said he has single-handedly changed the way we waste time at work." –Jay Leno

December 10

"President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Great. Let's extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet." –David Letterman

"So it’s Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it’ll be up to President Palin." –David Letterman

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"The tax cut deal means tax cuts for the rich and benefits for the unemployed. If you work for a living, you're screwed." –Jay Leno

"President Obama's pledge to have the most transparent administration in history has come true. Thanks to WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"You have to be careful of political correctness this time of the year. You can't call them 'Santa's elves' anymore. They're 'undocumented little people.'" –Jay Leno

"Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson." –David Letterman

"Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay." –Jimmy Fallon

‎"The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing." –Jon Stewart on the "War on Christmas"

"Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam." –Jay Leno

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. Nobody knew he was going — except for the WikiLeaks guy." –Jay Leno

"Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain." –David Letterman

"Going through airport security, you have a choice of being groped or photographed nude. Why can't we have both?" –David Letterman

"According to a report, the worst drivers in the country are in Washington, D.C. Republicans can only turn right, Democrats can only turn left, and Obama is weaving all over the place." –Jay Leno

"China is holding about a trillion dollars in U.S. debt. Next time you go for Chinese food and the bill comes, tell them to put it on the tab." –Jay Leno

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was in court today, and when the judge asked for his address he said he didn’t want to give out that information. Well, everyone has a right to privacy." –Jay Leno

"The annual Christmas Village in Philadelphia has been renamed The Holiday Village. And Santa's reindeer have now become Non-Denominational Venison." –Jay Leno

"It's so cold that the security guys at the airports are putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman

"'A Charlie Brown Christmas' was just on. According to a recent poll, most Americans think Charlie Brown is a Muslim." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don't typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama has reached a deal with Republicans to extend the Bush tax cuts, in exchange for extending jobless benefits. Republicans in Congress say they're thrilled with the tax cuts, while Democrats leaving Congress say they're thrilled with the jobless benefits." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as 'Guvner' in an English accent." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

December 3

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A special thanks to our audience tonight. You must really hate your relatives to come down here on Thanksgiving Day. The original Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims lasted three days. That was before we learned we could eat three days worth of food in one day." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision – she's already planning to refudiate it." –Jay Leno

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon

"In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President?" –Jimmy Fallon

"George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box" –David Letterman

"Have you heard the TSA's new slogan? 'We handle more junk than eBay.'" –Jay Leno

"North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"In the latest Harry Potter film, Harry loses his friends, has to battle overwhelming evil forces, and hides in exotic foreign places to avoid public scrutiny. I'm sorry, that's President Obama." –Jay Leno

"On Fox News, Sarah Palin said, 'I want to clean up the state, that is so sorry today, of journalism and I have a communications degree.' After that sentence, they might take it back." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence." –Craig Ferguson

"According to the TSA, most of the people protesting the new body search procedures are men. At last they're getting to see what it's like to be groped by someone who won't take no for an answer." –Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'" –Jay Leno

"Federal workers have had their pay frozen for two years. The worst part is that the workers found this out on WikiLeaks." –Jay Leno

"The name 'WikiLeaks' doesn't sounds like espionage. It sounds like Barbara Walters interviewing Ricky Martin." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was elbowed during a basketball game and had to receive 12 stitches. Obama said it was almost as embarrassing as the time he was dunked on by Barney Frank." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday a woman wore a bikini to LAX airport hoping to avoid the patdown. She is still being patted down." –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama took an elbow to the face last week and had to get 12 stitches. He was in line at Best Buy trying to get a $49 Blu-ray player." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks shows our allies are also funding the terrorists. So we’re like the commissionless middlemen in a war we’re waging against ourselves." –Jon Stewart

"President Obama announced a two-year pay freeze for all federal employees. This means the next time the TSA agent is reaching into your pockets, he's looking for spare change." –Jay Leno

"Six in 10 Mexicans believe life is better in the United States. The other 4 out of the 10 already live here." –Jay Leno

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The government is considering raising the retirement age to 69. In other words, they want Brett Favre to play two more years." –Conan O'Brien

November 24

They broke ground at the George W. Bush Presidential Library out there in Dallas. I know you're snickering already. The guy never read a book in his life but he's got a library. How does that happen?" –David Letterman

"Bush opening a library, that's like Kirstie Alley opening a can of diet coke." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin says she's going to run for President in 2012. 2012. Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Nice to know there will somebody equally unqualified." –David Letterman

"There's going to be problems when Donald Trump runs. They had a lot of problems with Obama, you wait until Donald Trump runs because the rumor is that thing on his head was not born in this country." –David Letterman

"TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." –David Letterman

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer." –Jay Leno

"Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them." –Jay leno

"The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. The spokesman for the turkey said it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job." –Conan O'Brien

“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” –Jay Leno

November 19

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King show. He's been on the 'Today Show' with Matt Lauer, he's been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she's underexposed." –David Letterman

"Well, some good news today from President Obama. You know how he's been trying for two years to shut down Guantanamo Bay. Well, they finally found a place to put the terrorists. They're going to stick them on the Carnival cruise. Just let them drift." –Jay Leno

"Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on." –Stephen Colbert

"George W. Bush has a new memoir out and he said in an interview that he thought that Sarah Palin was not qualified to be president. Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Honest to goodness." –David Letterman

"George Bush's memoir out. It's called 'Decision Points' It's also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff." –Bill Maher

"An article on 'Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush's new memoir 'Decision Points" were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss." –Seth Meyers

"Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of 'don't ask, don't tell.' McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, "Where am I and what the hell is going on." –Seth Meyers

"The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor." –Jay Leno

"Obama's overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction." –Jimmy Fallon

“The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. And by the way, I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence." –David Letterman

"A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn't kicked off of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Come on, John McCain, it's been two years. Get over it. " –Craig Ferguson

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien

"They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit." –Jimmy Fallon

"'The Unemployed American' is in the running for 'Time' magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of 'Time' and still no one will hire you." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, 'Who is that woman? She looks familiar.'" –Jay Leno

"It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it." –Jay Leno

"Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin again got the lowest score in "Dancing with the Stars" and again she wasn't eliminated. She's invincible. She cannot be destroyed. She's like a no-fun version of Charlie Sheen. Imagine how many votes she would get if she could actually dance." -Jimmy Kimmel

“This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week." –Jay Leno

November 12

"Twenty-thousand Indonesians protested President Obama's visit to Indonesia. Apparently, 3 out of 4 Indonesians believe he's an American." –Conan O'Brien

"I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"JetBlue is appointing retired Gen. Stanley McChrystal to its board of directors. That's who I want looking for my missing luggage — the guy who's been trying to find bin Laden for 10 years." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Pentagon says it doesn't know who is responsible for launching a missile off the California coast on Monday. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia can't believe the awesome new video game they just found in the White House." –Jimmy Fallon

"I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He’s going to keep traveling until he finds his birth certificate." –David Letterman

"President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money." –Jay Leno

"The president’s trip was cut short due to volcanic ash. That’s the second time his plans have been disrupted by ash. The last time was when the Democrats went down in flames." –Jay Leno

"Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care." –Jay Leno

"Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush was on 'Oprah.' When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, 'It’s not bad.'" –Conan O'Brien

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel


"Obama actually spent part of his childhood in Indonesia. He was known as Barry Obama then. They've been digging up childhood friends. One said he was chubby and ran like a duck. Which proves he's not Kenyan, because that's as American as it gets." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A company in China is selling a President Obama blow-up sex doll. Don't get too excited. It turns out most of its positions are very unpopular." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton says she will not run again for President. Your move, Brett Favre." –David Letterman

"Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu." –Jay Leno

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno

"Bush’s memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles." –Craig Ferguson

"In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"Hundreds of people in Washington, D.C. reported seeing a UFO today. Aliens, if you’re searching for intelligent life, you’ve got the wrong town." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was in India today. The President is touring Asia making trade deals. He signed a $10 billion pack with India this afternoon. He brokered a deal to make India part of the UN security council. And he was able to get a $15 late fee reversed on his Visa card." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Welcome to my new show it's called 'Conan'. People ask me why I named the show 'Conan.' I did it so I'd be harder to replace." –Conan O'Brien

"An exciting night. I'm really glad to be on cable. I have to tell you that right now, it's not a joke. The truth is, it probably doesn't help that I say that's not a joke afterwards. The truth is, ladies and gentlemen, I have dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46." –Conan O'Brien

"America put the crazy people who got us into this mess back in charge, and California won't let us get high to get over it." –Bill Maher

"I do not understand the electorate. This country is hurting in a way we haven't since the Depression. People struggling all over this country, and they came out and voted for the party that says right up front they will suspend your unemployment benefits and repeal health care. To go against your self-interest more you'd have to literally go f**k yourself." –Bill Maher

"A special shout-out to the independent geniuses, who switched sides again because President Chocolate Jesus did not make it rain twenties in two years." –Bill Maher

"You know what, you independents, if you can vote for Bush one year, and then the next election vote for Obama, and then go back to John Boehner. You're not independents, you're schizophrenic. You're Norman Bates, sometimes you dress up as your mom and kill sluts in the shower, and sometimes you put on pants and mop up. Well, congratulations America, on Tuesday you put on the dress and killed again." –Bill Maher

"This was the biggest landslide since the '30s. The Republicans picked up 63 seats. I haven't seen the Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up." –Bill Maher

"Just in time for the Republican sweep, George Bush has a new memoir that just came out. He was on the Today Show plugging it. He said his lowest moment of the whole presidency was when Kanye West said he didn't care about black people. Well, I got news for you. Black people don't care about you either. Mr. Bush." –Bill Maher

"Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress." –Jay Leno

"You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities." –David Letterman

November 5

"Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Thousands of marijuana enthusiasts went to the polls this morning in California to support Prop 19. Unfortunately, the election was the day before." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Supporters of Prop 19 believed the new law would have raised billions of dollars in tax revenue and created thousands of jobs for people to be too stoned to show up to." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Finally, the 2010 elections are over and we can get started on the campaign for 2012." –Craig Ferguson

"The CNN election coverage was constantly being interrupted by text messages from Brett Favre. Then the commentator would say,’ There’s a big swing to the right in Minnesota.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson

"In Washington today volunteers were washing the mud off Democrats and releasing them back into the wild." –David Letterman

"Pundits say Christine O’Donnell’s political career may be over, but she still has six months as a punchline." –David Letterman

"Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time." –David Letterman

"Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can’t find anybody to clean her house." –Jay Leno

"Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That’s a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there." –Jay Leno

"The San Francisco Giants beat the Texas Rangers to win the World Series for the first time in 56 years. The fans back home celebrated with riots, overturning Priuses, throwing bottles of bio-dynamically farmed zinfandel and building huge clean-burning bonfires." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether." –Jimmy Kimmel

"John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation." –Stephen Colbert

"John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." –Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn

"Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers." – Jon Stewart, on America's priorities

"In Jackson County, WV, machines have actually changed votes, which would explain why candidate “Error 404 Page Not Found” is headed to the House of Representatives." – Stephen Colbert

"In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint." – Stephen Colbert

"In an interview on 'Entertainment Tonight' this week, Mary Hart was told by Sarah Palin she may run in 2012 if there was no one to do it. That's not how you run for President. That's how you offer to babysit." –Seth Meyers

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno

October 29

"Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday." –Jay Leno

"Election Day is next Tuesday. According to a new poll, one out of three voters is still undecided. It's a tough choice. Do you vote for the people who got us into this mess, or the people who can't get us out of this mess?" –Jay Leno

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's Facebook page was hacked and someone wrote offensive remarks in the captions of his pictures. The remarks were so crazy and offensive that Paladino was like, 'Are you sure I didn’t write these?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"According to a new L.A. Times poll in the gubernatorial race here in California, Jerry Brown now leads Meg Whitman 52 percent to 39 percent. She spent $163 million of her own money and she's behind by 13 points. That's the biggest expenditure of money for a loss since the Yankees." –Jay Leno

"The man Dick Cheney shot in the face on that hunting trip like four years ago says that Cheney has never apologized. Hey pal, join the club. The rest of the country is way in front of you." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush has a memoir coming out soon. Between this and Justin Bieber’s book, this could be the biggest year ever for literature." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are strikes all over France because the government wants to raise the retirement age. The strikes are threatening the French way of life. Yesterday, an American had to walk all the way across Paris without getting insulted." –Craig Ferguson

"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher

"Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?"–Bill Maher

"An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he's never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus." –Bill Maher

"One of the other nuts Carl Paladino in New York state, they had a debate, I've never seen this in politics -- he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I've ever seen." –Bill Maher

"Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment." –Seth Meyers

"Following Williams' firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they're siding with a black guy named Juan." –Seth Meyers

"Last night on 'Dancing With the Stars,' Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"According to news reports, Christine O'Donnell's father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you're the embarrassment in the family." –Jimmy Fallon

"So you probably heard the presidential seal fell off the podium during a recent Obama speech. Know what they found on the back? His birth certificate." –David Letterman

"Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'" –Seth Meyers

October 15

“Remember Lou Dobbs on CNN, who was always railing against illegal immigrants and the people who hire them. It turns out Lou Dobbs hires illegal immigrants. I was shocked. Lou Dobbs is married to Meg Whitman?" –Bill Maher

"What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an end this week. The first words of the ad are 'I am not a witch.' This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since… the Massachusetts primary of 1692." –Bill Maher

"Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron." –Bill Maher

"President Obama has decided not to sign a bill that would make it difficult for homeowners to fight foreclosure. Why is Obama all of a sudden so sensitive about people being kicked out of their house. Oh yeah, right" –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring." –David Letterman

"Obama is going to tour India and Asia. I guess he wants to check up on American jobs." –Jay Leno

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno

"Google is investing in an offshore wind farm project that could provide electricity to 1.9 million homes on the East Coast. And not to be outdone, Yahoo just bought a brand new ceiling fan." –Jimmy Fallon

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon

"The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume." –David Letterman

"Christine O'Donnell's new ad says she didn't go to Yale, like her opponent. I don't think she really needs to tell us that." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie canceled a tunnel they were digging from New Jersey into New York. Apparently, New Yorkers found out about it." –Jay Leno

Video of the week:
Steven Colbert on Muslim Threat

October 8

"Christine O'Donnell has a new commercial where she says, 'I'm not a witch.' Isn't that exactly what a witch would say?" " –David Letterman

"Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams." –Jay Leno

"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump may run president. Is that a good idea? Haven't enough Americans already been told, 'You're fired'?" –Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden keeps releasing audio tapes to show that he's still relevant. Really? Audio tapes? How about an iPod download?" –David Letterman

"The State Department has issued a travel warning. They've warned Rick Sanchez not to travel to Israel." –Jay Leno

"Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that Jews control the media on a satellite radio show. Had he said it on his show on CNN, he wouldn't have been fired because no one would have heard it." –Jay Leno

"A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." –Jimmy Fallon

"The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher

"Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." –Bill Maher

"The United States had to apologize today because in the 1940s, our government conducted experiments where scientists injected mentally ill Guatemalan prisoners with syphilis and gonorrhea. And Hillary Clinton was the one to make the apology. It was heartfelt. She said, 'I know what it's like to go to bed worrying that someone you love has an STD." –Bill Maher

"President Obama has been meeting with voters in what he calls 'backyard chats.' He's held these in real people's backyards. You know something, I think all politicians should talk to people in their backyards. Then you could take what they say and spread it on the lawn." –Jay Leno

"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno

"The wife of Republican New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said she accepts that her husband had an affair, that he has a mistress, and the mistress had his baby. He actually convinced her this is no big deal. Guys, let me tell you this, don't try this at home. This guy is a lawyer, a real estate developer, and a politician. That is the trifecta of professional liars." –Jay Leno

"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno

"The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." –David Letterman

October 1

"You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care." –David Letterman

"The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra." –David Letterman

"Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"[The Democrats] are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher

"President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. " –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman

"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon

"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon

"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno

"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman

"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman

"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon

"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson

"Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'" –Craig Ferguson

"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon

"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon

September 24

"I saw that new movie 'Devil' or as Delaware Tea Party candidate CChristine O'Donnell calls it, 'Roots'" –Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils. It was horrible." –Jay Leno

"The state of Delaware has nominated and they're going to probably elect a witch as Senator from Delaware. Listen to this. One day Delaware elects a witch. The next day the recession is over. I don't know. Is that a coincidence?" –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin made her debut on the Dancing with the Stars and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful." –Jay Leno

"Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda's number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too." –Jay Leno

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey." –David Letterman

"O'Donnell's past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily I have a way to stop this witch hunt. Miss O'Donnell just come on my show and do a simple test. Bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But if you float ..." –Stephen Colbert

"Her detracts say she's homeless, jobless, and can't pay her taxes. And her supporters say, 'Finally, someone who represents the average American." –Bill Maher

"In a new book, French first lady Carla Bruni reveals that Michelle Obama told her that she can't stand being the first lady. You know what else I bet she can't stand? Telling someone something in private and then seeing it in their new book." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Delaware, Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about." –Jay Leno

"I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable." –Jay Leno

"In her fight against childhood obesity, first lady Michelle Obama is urging communities to make fresh produce more available to young people, even in liquor stores. If your kid is hanging out at the liquor store, obesity is the least of your problems." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin made a high profile appearance at a Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa. She didn't actually say she's running for president. She just winked it in Morse code." –Jimmy Fallon
"The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate." –David Letterman

"According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We will gather on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., a million-moderate march where we take to the streets to send a message to our leaders and our national media that says, 'We are here, We are only here until six though, because we have a sitter.'" —Jon Stewart

"Shame on you Jon Stewart. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?" —Stephen Colbert, announcing the March to Keep Fear Alive

September 17

"President Obama insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement. And he said you can take that to the bank, if you can find any that are still open." –Jay Leno

"There was no Koran burning on Saturday. Apparently that dopey pastor, Terry Jones, decided not to burn the Koran when he realized the only copy he had was on his Kindle." –Jay Leno

"There was a lot of talk about President Obama not wearing his wedding ring during his press conference on Friday. Boy, the guy spends a couple of hours with Tiger Woods and look what happens." –Jay Leno

“Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"On his way to Asia, Gov. Schwarzenegger posted a picture of himself saying that he was flying over Alaska but couldn't see Russia anywhere. Not only is Schwarzenegger a fellow Republican, but Sarah Palin had a 'Conan the Barbarian' poster on the wall of her igloo." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you learned nothing from Fox? You pick your narrative and you stick with it -- and if the news doesn't fit your narrative, change your f**king news." –Jon Stewart, explaining journalism to MSNBC

"According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist." –Jay Leno

"This whole thing with Iran, it's amazing how different our cultures are. In Iran a woman can get stoned for committing adultery. See, here in America, women commit adultery while getting stoned." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

"Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was reported that President Obama wasn't wearing his wedding ring at a press conference. I guess that makes the press conference the second-most difficult speech he'll give this week." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything." –Jay Leno

"There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to." –Jay Leno

"The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet." –Craig Ferguson

"New FBI statistics say that crime in the United States fell 5 percent from last year. You see what happens when we put Lindsay Lohan in jail?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O’Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

“I'm not a political person. I keep to myself. I’m not one to get involved in these things. I’m not proud to say I'll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I'll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences. But I'll tell you something. When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's. So listen up, Christine O'Donnell -- and Rosie O'Donnell too while we're at it -- we need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you’ll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." –Jimmy Kimmel

Video of the week:
John Stewart on Media Islamophobia

September 9

"Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again." –David Letterman

"At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion." –Jay Leno

"The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, 'Really? Jay Leno was in prison?'" –Craig Ferguson

"U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress." –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about." –Jay Leno

"The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'" –Craig Ferguson

Video of the week:
John Stewart on Koran burning

September 3

Ok, I am back again. Since most of the late night comedians are still on vacation, I will try and supplement with a few other sources for now. Check out the link to The Onion article. In case you don't know, The Onion is probably the best satirical magazine around.

___
"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up." –David Letterman

"President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide." –David Letterman

"Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!" –Jay Leno
____
Now the Onion article I was talking about:

The Onion

June 25

[I will be taking a break from this blog for the summer, which is slow anyway for TV in general. See you in September]

"So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, 'We'll hire him.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the 'LOL.'" –Jay Leno

"Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job." –Jay Leno

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

"In 2011, China will end America's 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers found that most parents don't know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options." –Jimmy Fallon

"McChrystal's clearly been hitting that sweet Afghani heroin. Because you would have to be higher than Keith Richards to criticize your commander-in-chief at a time of war in front of a reporter from Rolling Stone." –Stephen Colbert on General Stanley McChrystal

"Remember the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad? He was in court today. And here is where the guy screwed up. He didn't count on our army of alert T-shirt vendors. And I was thinking, well, it's too bad we didn't have them in the Gulf of Mexico." –David Letterman

"Faisal now faces a couple of charges, including attempted terrorism and conspiracy to double park." –David Letterman

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?" –Jay Leno

"It's rumored that President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Tony Hayward Can Improve His Image"
10. Catch Osama
9. Contaminate waters around a country like North Korea
8. Reveal secret behind his soft and lustrous curly hair
7. Apologize on The Golf Channel
6. Shoot new BP commercial where he is viciously pecked by angry pelicans
5. Join Team Coco
4. Get a job at Poland Spring; accidentally dump a billion gallons of water into the gulf
3. Improve his image, are you kidding? He's doing great!
2. Hang out at BP station, let customers inflate his butt with air hose
1. Dial it back from "arrogant bastard" to "smug pr**k"

June 18

"[T]oday, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." –David Letterman

"A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, 'Look, I don't pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They're separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012." –Jay Leno

"Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in the gulf region again today, having lunch at a local seafood restaurant. Horrible timing. A clam coughed up a tarball." –David Letterman

"While he was in Mississippi yesterday, President Obama ate mini crab cakes, fried shrimp and shrimp salad sandwiches to show Americans that seafood from the Gulf Coast is safe to eat. And if you don't believe Obama ate all that stuff, just ask our new president, Joe Biden. He'll tell you." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems the United States has found over $1 trillion of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. And here's the great part. The country comes pre-invaded. We don't have to invade again." –Jay Leno

"And besides the deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold, they found the largest deposit of lithium ever discovered; most of it on land controlled by tribal communities. Wait a minute. Wasn't that the plot of 'Avatar'?" –Jay Leno

"There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, 'Well see, it hasn't affected tourism.'" –David Letterman

"The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I'll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing." –David Letterman

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

"The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore." –Bill Maher

"Here in California, Meg Whitman is going to the governor nominee from the Republican side. She's the former CEO of eBay. She said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to BP, the Gulf now has two new islands: self-service and full." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden's looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, 'foosball re-enactments.'" –Jimmy Fallon

June 11

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

"Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too." –Jay Leno

"Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet." –Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1934 the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. He's 76 years old. You'd think if America loved a 76-year-old guy with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden's house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is now saying that President Obama needs to make sure that these oil companies act ethically and responsibly. This from a woman who shoots wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

"Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it's kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman." –Jay Leno

"There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee." –Jay Leno

"The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn't that amazing. It proves that there's absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can't bridge." –David Letterman

"In 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf of Mexico. In 2010, the gulf was devastated by the largest offshore oil spill in U.S. history, but the fun is just beginning. The governors of the Gulf Coast states are pleased to announce they are now accepting bids for the next disaster to hit the region in 2015. Will it be a volcanic eruption, an earthquake, an avalanche, killer bees, a meteor, piranhas, zombies or high-frequency sound waves?" –David Letterman

"A great day for President Obama. He addressed a group of senior citizens in Maryland today. He's pitching his health care bill. According to a poll, half the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith." –Craig Ferguson

"The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about this BP — this BP CEO, what's his name? Tony Haywire? This guy, oh, man. Making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius, isn't he?" –Jay Leno

"BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall. That's why they call it a campaign. You know why it's called a campaign? Because it's like an election. It's dirty, it's slimy, it never seems to end." –Jay Leno

"ABC just announced who's going to be the next contestant on 'The Bachelor.' Surprisingly, Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper — I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are 'separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.' You know, even his divorce is boring." –Jay Leno

"Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington's happiest married couple?" –Jay Leno

"The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding"
10. "Is this my fourth of fifth wedding?"
9. "Mrs. Palin, please, enough with the celebratory gunfire"
8. "Do you take this woman to be your future ex-wife?"
7. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Bill O'Reilly"
6. "They have a tent in case it rains. No wait, those are Rush's pants"
5. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Sean Hannity"
4. "I missed the bridal bouquet, but I hope to catch the prenup"
3. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Ann Coulter"
2. "It's ironic that a guy named 'Rush' takes 20 minutes to walk down the aisle"
1. "Did he just eat the whole cake?"

“After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints." –Bill Maher

"They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he'd hug a tree, he'd linger." –Bill Maher, on Al Gore

"A very romantic moment at the White House yesterday. Did you see Paul McCartney? He sang Michelle to Michelle Obama. That went over great. But then his other choice of songs, in light of what's going on with the President, he sang, 'Fixing a Hole,' 'Octopus' Garden, ''Yellow Submarine.'" –Bill Maher

"BP was kind of bragging about it today … the top hat. Oh yeah, they put a top hat on it, was collecting about 6% of the oil. Yes, they found a solution that stops as much oil as the margin of error. It lets 94% of the oil through. It was built by the same people who built the Mexican border fence." –Bill Maher

June 4

"The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush's trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill 'an assault on our shores.' And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, 'Exactly how many balloons?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president finally arrived on the Gulf Coast today to survey the damage. I thought this was telling, while he was there, FEMA arrived for Katrina. ... And George Bush saw him on TV. He called him up and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'" –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin weighed in on her Facebook page. She demanded that Obama 'plug the damn hole.' You first, Sarah." –Bill Maher

May 28

"Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason." –Jay Leno

"She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?" –Jay Leno

"Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'" –Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them." –Jay Leno

"The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away." –David Letterman

"John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War." –David Letterman

"How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school." –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

"Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

"BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated." –Jay Leno

"A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here's what he is charged with — domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway." –David Letterman

"You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking." –Jay Leno

"Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House State Dinner"
10. 'May we see your papers, President Calderon?'
9. 'What happened to the dumb guy who used to live here?'
8. 'May we see your papers, President Obama?'
7. 'The pinata is filled with worthless Euros'
6. 'Three whiskey sours and Chuck Schumer takes off his pants'
5. 'Sir, the Republicans are attempting to block the appetizers'
4. 'Lincoln's ghost! Run!'
3. 'Salahi? No, you're not on the list, but how about a lovely bottle of wine'
2. 'Hurry, it's Close-Up Magic Week on the 'Late Show''
1. 'Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is a big F-ing deal'

May 21

"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet over-flowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." –Bill Maher, on the Gulf oil spill

"This has not been a good day if you're a BP stockholder with playoff tickets for game seven with the Cavaliers." –Jay Leno

"Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20." –Jay Leno

"NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 seasons. It's too bad, but they had to make room for the new Jay Leno show, 'Jaw & Order.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno

“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage." –Jay Leno

"Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here's what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian." –David Letterman

"Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'" – Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, 'Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is." –Craig Ferguson

"The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir." –Jay Leno

"Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot." –Jay Leno

"Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum." –Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created." –Jay Leno

"And in welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'" –Jay Leno

"John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don't want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K." –Jay Leno

"Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour." –David Letterman

"You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors." –David Letterman

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, there's now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of 'The Jersey Shore' can only absorb so much oil. They can't get any slimier." –Jay Leno

"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman

"A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image"
10. Change 'BP' from 'British Petroleum' to 'Bunnies and Puppies'
9. Scrap the snotty British accents
8. Cry on 'Oprah'
7. Take a page from AFLAC. New mascot: wise-cranking oil-soaked duck
6. Find bin Laden
5. Start making cookies. Who doesn't love cookies?
4. What's wrong with our image?
3. Switch from 'Drill Baby Drill' to 'Help Daddy Help'
2. Instead of their image, maybe they can focus on fixing the damn leak!
1. For goodness sakes, get Iron Man to do something!