January 15

"How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn't flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. ... I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic." –David Letterman

"Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization." –David Letterman

"Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually." –David Letterman

"On Friday, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man who ignited his underpants in a failed attempt to blow up a jet landing in Detroit, plead not guilty to six federal charges, while his testicles pled guilty in absentia." -Seth Meyers

"While criticizing President Obama during an interview on 'Good Morning America' this week, Rudy Giuliani said, 'We had no domestic attacks under Bush.' You know, I knew one day we would reach a point where people would forget about 9/11, but I never thought you would be the first." -Seth Meyers

"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing." -Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, if they did cancel us, it would be an easy move for me because I still haven't unpacked from the last show they canceled." -Jay Leno

"To be fair, NBC is working on a solution, they say, in which all parties will be screwed equally." -Jay Leno

"In an effort to calm people down after this latest security problem, the White House said it is working even harder to find Osama bin Laden. And here's the frustrating part. Turns out we almost had him. Did you hear about this? Earlier this year, he snuck into a White House state dinner." -Jay Leno

"The underwear bomber pleaded not guilty in court today. He had a bomb in his underpants, okay! 'I didn't know there was a bomb in my underpants.' 'I was framed by the Fruit of the Loom.'" -Jay Leno

"His lawyer said he was very respectful for the judge because he stood the whole time. Yeah, that's because his ass was on fire." -Jay Leno

"According to the New York Post, White House Budget Director Peter Orszag announced his engagement to an ABC News reporter six weeks after his ex-girlfriend gave birth to his baby. And of course, people were shocked. 'The White House has a budget director?'" -Jay Leno

"President Obama was named most admired American. Most admired American. Most admired man in America. And I'm proud that my name is also on that list. It's a little farther down. I was right between Balloon Dad and Carrot Top" --David Letterman

"While speaking about the war on terror yesterday, President Obama said, 'There is of course, no fool-proof solution. We have to stay one step ahead of our nimble adversary.' Nimble adversary? Sounds like somebody saw 'Sherlock Holmes' over the holiday." --Jimmy Fallon

"The Mexican government says that Starbucks is using a pre-Aztec logo without permission. In fairness, Mexico is using the United States without permission." --Jimmy Fallon

"Supposedly we're moving to 11:30. Even this is not for sure. My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it! Everyone's mad." –Jay Leno

"I take pride in one thing. I leave NBC prime time the same way I found it -- a complete disaster." –Jay Leno

"As you may know, our show has been canceled. NBC has some pilots to fill up the 10 p.m. time slot. They're talking about bringing back 'All in the Family', with Harry Reid as Archie Bunker." –Jay Leno

"Senator Harry Reid in hot water about some remarks he made about then-candidate Barack Obama that have been perceived as to be racially insensitive. He spent most of the day on the phone apologizing to prominent African-American leaders. But you know, I still don't think he gets it. Like today, at a press conference, he says, 'I hope this doesn't leave a black mark on my record.'" –Jay Leno

"The White House said they're working even harder now to try and find Osama bin Laden. In fact, they have now put his picture on the side of cartons of goat's milk." –Jay Leno

"One of John McCain's former top campaign aides says that when he talked to Sarah Palin after McCain picked her to be his running mate, she said it was 'God's plan.' So, apparently, God wanted Obama to win." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has just signed with Fox News. So, now they're fair and unbalanced." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is going to be part of the Fox News team. So, yeah. Finally, finally, her years of reading all those newspapers and magazines have really paid off. This should balance things out over there at Fox News." –David Letterman

"It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year." –Craig Ferguson

"Some critics are saying that Palin won't last on Fox because she's an over-emotional woman who gets the facts wrong. But I disagree. It's working great for Glenn Beck..." –Craig Ferguson

"A new study found that 5 percent of baby boomers admit to getting high and popping pills. Come on now. I know he's a big guy but it's not fair to call Rush Limbaugh 5 percent of baby boomers. That's just rude." –Jimmy Fallon

"Rod Blagojevich says he's blacker than Obama. Oh, snap! Rod Blagojevich is so black, he should be called Tyler Perry Presents Rod Blagojevich. It's a bold claim. What he is using to back it up? [on screen: reports saying Blagojevich saying he shined shoes, lived in a five room apartment, and his father owned a laundromat in a black neighborhood]. I think you are confusing 'black' with 'middle-class white'" –Jon Stewart

"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties." –Conan O'Brien

"I've been giving this whole situation a lot of thought. You know, a true story, when I was a little boy, I remember watching the 'Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson and thinking, 'Someday, I'm going to host that show for seven months.' I knew that was the perfect amount of time." –Conan O'Brien

"I'm sure you know. NBC announced they're pulling the plug on our show February 12th. Here's the amazing part. That is the exact date the Mayan calendar predicted we would go off the air." –Jay Leno

"I gotta tell you, you know, the folks here at NBC, they don't handle these things well. They don't have a lot of tact. Like, after they cancelled the show, they told me if I put on ten pounds I could get on 'Biggest Loser." –Jay Leno

"Well of course, the big political story, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid got himself in hot water during the election, when he described Barack Obama as a 'light-skinned' African-American 'with no negro dialect.' See, that may explain why Reid was the Senate majority leader and not the Senate minority leader." –Jay Leno

"But President Obama forgave him. Obama said today, he has 'nothing against really light-skinned people who talk with a cracker dialect.' So it all worked out." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to be a commentator for Fox News. Well maybe now she can afford to buy some clothes for Levi Johnston." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin will be a regular contributor to Fox News. She signed a three-year contract, which means she should be there for, what, six months?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama's approval rating is down to 46 percent. But the White House has an idea for how to get it back up again. What they're going to do is bring back Bush and Cheney for a week." –Jimmy Kimmel

"And now, according to The New York Times, Al Qaeda is claiming responsibility for the wreckage at NBC." –David Letterman

"Guess whose birthday it is today. Rush Limbaugh — 59 years old. Also, celebrity birthday, Kirstie Alley — 59 years old today, too. This explains the nationwide cake shortage." –David Letterman

"It's a big, big week for giant announcements. Have you seen the 'American Idol' show? One of the judges on the show, Simon Cowell, announced this will be the last season on the show. Cowell is the only high-ranking judge that Sarah Palin could name." –David Letterman

"But for now, it looks like Jay's back on at 11:30. Now people are getting their old jobs back. How long before Dick Cheney shows up at the White House? 'Hey Biden, heard you turned my dungeon into a breakfast nook.'" –Craig Ferguson

"It is clear that President Obama is soft on security. He has completely dropped the ball on people blowing up their balls. Thankfully, Dick Cheney has called him out, telling Politico it is clear President Obama is trying to pretend we're not at war. He's not doing a very good job at it [on screen: a montage of all the times Obama has said we're involved in a 'war on terror']. Man, he's doing a worse job pretending we're not at war than I am doing pretending he is not the president. The American people are pretending we're not at war. It's so easy when there's no draft, when no one has been asked to sacrifice anything other than our privacy, our right to habeas corpus and our full-sized shampoo bottles." –Stephen Colbert

"Hosting 'The Tonight Show' has been the fulfillment of a lifelong dream to me. And I want to say to the kids out there watching, you can do anything you want in life unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'Brien

"Well, some good news from Afghanistan. Did you hear about this? Critics of the war have stopped referring to it as another Vietnam. The bad news? They're now calling it another NBC." –Jay Leno

"Conan O'Brien, understandably, is very upset. He had a statement in the paper yesterday. And Conan said, NBC had only given him seven months to make his show work. When I heard that, seven months, how'd he get that deal? We only got four." –Jay Leno

"Well, a lot of people don't like these airport body scanners. They say they don't like security officials seeing naked images of their bodies. Huh? Have you seen most Americans lately? Come on. It's no picnic for the security people either." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News analyst. They finally found a job that she's not under-qualified for." –David Letterman

"Conan O'Brien said yesterday, I'm not doing the tonight show at 12:05. ... He said forget it, I'm not doing the show at 12:05. NBC went back and decided to sweeten the deal and they offered him 12:04.'" –David Letterman

"Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. ... Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him." –David Letterman

"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of Sarah Palin's First Day At FOX News
10. Ruined office floor by drilling for oil.
9. Detached a retina from winking at the camera.
8. Got confused -- thought she signed with QVC.
7. Pistol-whipped three guys who called her "Tina."
6. Released a statement saying she won't follow Leno.
5. At lunchtime, Todd picked her up driving snowmobile through lobby.
4. Sad to learn there was no actual fox to hunt.
3. Hosted a "Fire Dave" roundtable.
2. Actually found a place with more white people than Alaska.
1. Announced plans to run for President in 2010 .