January 22

"Now, there's a rumor. This came out today. There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for three years. That's what they say. Yeah, my response to that is, if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC. It's like I'll be in the witness protection program." –Conan O'Brien

"Time sure does fly, though. It's crazy to think about this. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first 'Tonight Show' is now a slightly larger baby?" –Conan O'Brien

"Now, my future is, well, it's pretty uncertain right now, and this is absolutely true, I'm not making this up. I received a letter from the adult film company Pink Visual, offering me a role in one of their porno movies. That's true. That's absolutely true. It's great, yeah. In the movie, I'd be having sex with a beautiful woman, and just as we're about to climax, I get replaced by Jay Leno." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's airport watch list because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So, it's been a really bad week for little Skippy bin Laden." –Conan O'Brien

"Sarah Palin has signed with Fox News to be a correspondent. Well, in a statement today, Fox said if Palin does a good job, they'll sign her to a longtime contract. If she doesn't work out, they'll just blame Leno. That's what they said." –Jay Leno

"As you know, security is being upgraded at airports all across the country. They're really cracking down. In fact, today, Osama bin Laden's name was put on the do-not-fly list." –Jay Leno

"Do you folks know what is going on with NBC and the trouble they're having with Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien? I thought this was nice. President Obama invited Jay and Conan to the White House for a beer." –David Letterman

"Our good friend, Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, is a contributor to Fox News. Only been there a couple days. Already making friends. Today, she loaned Glenn Beck some mascara that does not run when you cry." –David Letterman

"The latest NBC news, if you're interested is, not only will Conan O'Brien be replaced by Jay Leno of the 'Tonight Show,' possibly as soon as after next week is the rumor, Jay Leno also gets custody of Conan's youngest child. He had a really bad contract." " –Jimmy Kimmel
"Let me see if I have this straight. You need to replace perhaps the most beloved liberal in the history of the Senate with a candidate that believes Curt Schilling is a Yankee fan. Because if this lady loses, the health care reform bill that the beloved late senator considered his legacy will die and the reason it will die is because if Coakley loses, Democrats will only have then an 18-vote majority in the Senate. Which is more than George W. Bush ever had in the Senate when he did whenever the f**k he wanted." –Jon Stewart

"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." –Jon Stewart

"The heaviest snowfall in over 60 years is being reported in Beijing, China. To give you an idea of how bad it is, the army is now having to use snowplows to run over dissidents." –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Obama told the bankers who received the bailout money that instead of fighting these new regulations and fees, they should simply consider meeting their responsibilities. Well that's a good strategy. To the guys that screwed us out of billions of dollars, let's appeal to their sense of honesty and fair play. Well, that'll work." –Jay Leno

"According to Time magazine, executives at the Wall Street firm of Goldman Sachs were paid an average of $600,000 last year. And that was just by Congress." –Jay Leno

"According to The New York Times, an 8-year-old boy is on the terrorism watch list because he has the same name as someone on the no-fly list. His mom says he's been on the no-fly list since he was 2 years old. But to be fair, how many fliers would like to see all 2-year-olds on the no-fly list?" –Jay Leno

"Did you know this? NBC has a new slogan. This is true. And the slogan is 'More Colorful.' Yeah. They may be telling the truth, because they're about to get rid of the whitest guy on television." –Conan O'Brien

"First Lady Michelle Obama said she doesn't let her daughters watch the show 'Jersey Shore.' When asked why, the First Lady said, 'Because I love my children.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Do you remember Chemical Ali? He's been sentenced to death. Now this is the fourth time he's been sentenced to death. He's very confused. He hasn't decided what to order for his fourth last meal." –David Letterman

"Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." –Jimmy Fallon

"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno

"Well, all the major airlines have raised their fees to check in baggage. In fact, it's getting so expensive now to bring bags on board, even people who aren't terrorists are stuffing things into their underpants." –Jay Leno

"Hello, I'm Conan O'Brien, sorry if I'm a little late. I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker." –Conan O'Brien

"I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January." –Conan O'Brien

"There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were 'available.' At least this explains his campaign slogan: 'Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts, Creepy for America.'" –Conan O'Brien

"You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." –Jay Leno

"You know that question, what can Brown do for you? Apparently he can stop the Democrat's health care plan." –Jay Leno

"Well, a big upset victory, Republican Scott Brown defeated Democrat Martha Chokely, I mean, Coakley." –Jay Leno

"The Democrats had a number of explanations as to why they lost Ted Kennedy's seat. The White House said today, Scott Brown won 'cause he ran a clever campaign. And Harry Reid said he won because he's a light skinned brown, with no Negro accent. That's what he said." –Jay Leno

"Well, Sarah Palin is now going to be a VIP guest at next month's Daytona 500. She won't have any official role. So it will be like when she ran for vice president." –Jay Leno

"Oh, and New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine has signed legislation making marijuana legal, huh? Well, finally a reason to live in New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he's the most popular African-American president in history" –Jimmy Kimmel