Feb 19

"President Obama has announced that he’s approving construction of two new nuclear reactors. And George W. Bush immediately stood up and screamed, 'It's nucular!' –David Letterman

"Tiger Woods called a press conference for Friday morning. Only select journalists will be invited and no questions will be taken. Essentially, we’re going to listen to him read. Maybe he’ll announce a new batch of mistresses for 2010." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Winter Olympics are under way in Canada. Skiing, snowboarding, ice-skating, these are not sports. They're vacation activities. I feel like I'm watching someone's home movies." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They showed the biathlon today, a combination of cross-country skiing and shooting rifles, which is known to Sarah Palin as 'commuting.' " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today is the birthday of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. And a lot of people want to get the guy gifts. I have a suggestion. You can't go wrong with another pair of ladies' sunglasses." –David Letterman

"You know who was at the Daytona 500? Sarah Palin, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin. She was at the finish line, and she waved her checkered past.'" –David Letterman

"Yesterday, there was a big feud between former Vice President Dick Cheney and current Vice President Joe Biden. Cheney is upset with Biden because Biden, when he moved in after they were elected, he closed down Cheney's dungeon in the White House." –David Letterman

"I'm worried about Biden. Do you really want to get in a feud with a guy who shoots people?" –David Letterman

"The 'Wolfman' movie opened today. It's about a guy who is half-human, half-beast, and it has a pretty happy ending. In the end, he's elected governor of California." –David Letterman

"Do you know there is a Congressional candidate from Missouri who is saying that allowing gays into the military could strengthen Al Qaeda? I'm thinking, how exactly would that work? 'They dance better than me, and they know how to accessorize. I'm very, very angry. It's time for jihad.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Celebrity birthday. Happy birthday to Sarah Palin, who is 46 years old today. And you know, Sarah Palin, when she goes on a public speaking event, writes notes on her hand. Here's what she has on her hand today for her birthday. Let's check in on this, O.K., 'blow out candles,' 'eat cake,' and 'clean rifle.'" –David Letterman

"Iran's telecommunications agency announced a permanent suspension this week of all Google Gmail service. From now on, if you want to reach anyone in Iran, you have to use Faceburqa." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The government announced that they're going to start their own national email service as a way to build trust with the people, because if there's anyone you can trust with your email, it's the Iranian government, of course." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I'll tell you, you woke up this morning, and New York, a tremendous sight. I mean, it was whiter than a Tea Party rally." –David Letterman

"People still talking about the Super Bowl. It was the most watched TV program of all time. The second most-watched event was the episode of 'Dallas' where J.R. gets shot in the face by Dick Cheney." –David Letterman