February 5

"The Obama administration has reversed itself and is now considering moving the trial of the 9/11 terrorists out of Manhattan after protests from Congress and the mayor of New York. See, they're going to do an Off Broadway version first, see if people like it. See, then if it does well, then they'll bring it into the city." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems John Edwards's mistress has gone to court to get a restraining order against the release of a sex tape she made with John Edwards. She says she's worried it will hurt her career. I thought her career was getting knocked up by presidential candidates. Well, apparently, I'm way out of line. But I don't care because this show has been canceled." –Jay Leno

"I am stunned that John Edwards made a sex tape. Do you realize this guy is basically Paris Hilton with better hair? That's all he is." –Jay Leno

"And, of course, Edwards has no remorse. Today, he called ABC to see if he could be the next 'Bachelor.'" –Jay Leno

"And here's big news: United States Senate reconfirms chairman of the Fed. Ben Bernanke was reconfirmed. So he'll have the job for four more years. I just hope we have an economy for four more years." –David Letterman

"The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is very shrewd about bringing the Republicans into the White House for the Super Bowl party, because he feels like if he can get them to pass the dip, maybe they'll pass health care." –David Letterman

"Oh, here's something interesting and important. The Pentagon now wants to allow gays to serve openly in the military. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? More parades." –David Letterman

"I think it was Bill Clinton who popularized the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. But don't confuse that with another Clinton policy — 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell Hillary.' That was a whole different policy." –David Letterman

"ABC News reports that the president of Pakistan slaughters a black goat every day since becoming president in an attempt to ward off the evil eye. It's good to see these modern, progressive people are our allies in the war against terror." –Jay Leno

"And the wife of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford has written a book about her whole ordeal. Remember, he went to Argentina to see his mistress? She says her husband kept pestering her for permission to see his mistress. See, that shows you how bad the Republicans are at cheating, O.K. They ask permission. Republicans, stick to what they know — greed. Leave adultery to Democrats." –Jay Leno

"Obama also had some economic advice for the American people. He told them not to blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college. Though to be fair, most recent college graduates would probably have more luck in Vegas, I think." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president is really trying to bring people together. He told Senate Democrats that politics can't be just about scoring points. Then today, he was sued by the Knicks for stealing their motto." –Jimmy Fallon

"Everybody's talking about the military's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. Admiral Mike Mullen said it's wrong to force people to lie about who they are in order to serve their country. Then Congress was like: 'Who cares? We do that every election.'" –Jimmy Fallon