March 5

New York Gov. David Paterson may be stepping down after being involved in a scandal. Something like this hasn't happened in New York for ... months. New Yorkers are desperate. They're trying to get Gov. Paterson to leave early, and I said to myself, 'That sounds like a job for Jay Leno.'" -David Letterman

"You know who is on the program tonight? Mitt Romney is here. Mitt Romney is a good-looking Republican from Massachusetts. You know, he's like that new senator from Massachusetts. He's like Scott Brown, but with pants." -David Letterman

"Talking about presidents who smoked. You remember George W. Bush? Remember him? He's saying while he was president he would enjoy the occasional cigar. On a rare occasion, he would have a cigar because he said it helped him think. I want to tell you, occasions don't get more rare than that, ladies and gentlemen." -David Letterman

"People magazine has confirmed that former President Clinton called Tiger Woods to offer his support during the ordeal. For real. They have things in common, I guess." -Jimmy Kimmel

"It's a nice thing to do, a nice gesture between two, you know, kindred spirits. It actually reminds me of the time President Bush called Homer Simpson after Homer stapled his face to a doughnut." -Jimmy Kimmel

"Karl Rove's new memoir, 'Courage and Consequence,' is coming out next week. Not sure if 'Courage and Consequence' is how most people would describe the Bush years, but I guess it does sound better than 'Oopsies.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It's called 'What Would Dick Cheney Do?'" -Jay Leno

"Representative Charles Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, has temporarily surrendered his post pending an ethics investigation. They've been investigating him for three months now. And so far, they have not found a single trace of ethics." -Jay Leno

"Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh's Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It's an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that's just the medicine cabinet." -Craig Ferguson

"Weren't the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy." -David Letterman