April 16

"Here in California, our attorney general said he's going to investigate whether a university foundation that hired Sarah Palin to give a speech violated public disclosure laws. They had some controversy. Some students found her contract rider in a dumpster. That is a list of demands a performer has when they appear somewhere. Usually you see them for, like, rock stars, but Sarah Palin has one, I guess. Among other things, Palin's rider requires two first-class tickets from Alaska or a private jet from Alaska, nothing smaller than a Lear 60, and it has to have a window she can shoot out of." –Jimmy Kimmel

"She has to have three hotel rooms, a wooden podium, not plexiglass, two bottles of water, and best of all, I think, a supply of bendable straws. This is a complicated woman. On one hand, you know, she'll blow a moose's head off at 300 yards, but on the other, bendy straws." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is launching a new $6 billion space policy that will ultimately take astronauts to Mars. Of course, it's $6 billion and $45 if the astronauts have a carry-on." –Jimmy Fallon

"This Friday is the deadline for mailing in your Census form. People all around the country put down how many people live in their houses — while Tiger Woods and Jesse James put 'kind of a tricky situation right now.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Scientists are saying that eating pecans every day may decrease your cholesterol. So in case they're right, I wrap all of my pecans in bacon." –Craig Ferguson

"The Obama administration's top science and technology official has warned the United States cannot expect to be No. 1 in science and technology forever. Did you know we were No. 1 now? If we're No. 1 in technology, why do I have to call India for tech support, OK?" –Jay Leno

"The Pentagon says that Al Qaeda is now in financial ruin. I tell you, Goldman Sachs, they screwed everybody." –Jay Leno

"Actually, Al Qaeda should have seen it coming. You know who's in charge of the finances? Osama ben Bernanke." –Jay Leno

"We may have another Oprah on our hands. Since leaving her job as the governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin has made more than $12 million. That is a lot of money for someone who can't say words that end in 'g.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums." –Jay Leno

"Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal." –Jay Leno

"In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks." –Jay Leno

"Barry Bonds said he is 'proud' of Mark McGwire for returning to baseball. And it really means a lot coming from Bonds — it's like Tiger Woods getting a high five at the Masters from Jesse James." –Jimmy Fallon

"I watched so much golf this weekend. Tiger finished in 4th place, which means he only won $330,000, which is barely enough to pay his text messaging bill." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tiger's obviously under a lot of stress. It's very difficult to play when you have a padlock on your underpants." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Conan O'Brien announced today that he will move his show to TBS. Later in the day, Jay Leno announced that he will also move his show to TBS." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Alan Greenspan, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve, said of his time in office, "I was wrong 30% of the time." Well that's not bad - for a weatherman - or a free throw shooter - but you were the Chairman of the Fed. We need the Fed to be on the pill and you ran it on the rhythm method." –Seth Meyers

"FedEx announced this week that it will add four new electric trucks to its delivery fleet. Four electric truck! Well, let me be the first to say, welcome back glaciers." –Seth Meyers

"According to the Pentagon, al-Qaida has been so weakened financially that they're turning to crimes like drugs, prostitution, and adjustable-rate mortgages." –Jay Leno

"President Obama signed a historic treaty with the Russian president today. Not everyone's happy about it. Fox News said it was a 'summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of Russia.'" –Craig Ferguson

"I watched golf today. It's boring. There was no sex at all, just a bunch of middle-aged white guys and one guilty-looking black guy walking around." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Bristol Palin is continuing her campaign about teen pregnancy. It's funny that she's going around telling kids not to get pregnant when her mom is telling people, 'Drill, baby, drill.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It's bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: 'We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can't keep up with you guys.'" –Jay Leno

"China has canceled a series of Bob Dylan concerts because they say his lyrics are too politically charged. Really? They understand his lyrics? That's unbelievable. Maybe that's why we didn't understand them. He's been singing in Chinese all these years." –Jay Leno