April 2

"Well, earlier today, President Obama canceled the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt. Instead, the kids are going to be on the lawn of the White House drilling for oil." –Jay Leno

"Well, here's some good news for us. Iran's top nuclear scientist has defected to the CIA and is now here in the United States. He's now on our side. And he had some frightening information. He said Iran was just weeks away from developing their very own Toyota Prius." –Jay Leno

"It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain." –Jay Leno

"Here's a fascinating story. The Republican National Committee got together and said, 'You know, boys, things are going so well for us here lately, let's have a party.' So they said, 'Well, yeah, but we don't want to pay for it.' And they said: 'No. We'll get the Republican National Committee to pay for it — money that we get from donations and contributions. We'll let the folks pay for it.' And everybody said, 'Great, what do we do?' And they said, 'Well, let's go to Los Angeles to a sex club.' And they said, 'Great!' So they end up there at a bondage club in Los Angeles. And I thought that makes perfect sense because Republicans love tying things up: health care, you know; climate control; financial reform." –David Letterman

"You guys hear about this? Sarah Palin has a new Fox News series, which is being described as a show about people with real-life tales of overcoming adversity. Hey, she should do a story about that guy who became the first black president. That would be a good story. Think about that one." -Jimmy Fallon

"Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn't these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?" –Craig Ferguson

"During a fundraising trip to California, some young Republicans took the Republican Party credit card to a club in Hollywood that has nude dancers doing bondage shows. Usually when Republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains, it's in Dick Cheney's basement. " –Craig Ferguson

"It must be very embarrassing for the people involved. I'm sure the strippers didn't want anyone to know they were hanging out with politicians." –Craig Ferguson

"Republican donors aren't happy about this. It's not fair that rich Republicans spend huge amounts of money at sex clubs and poor Republicans have to go to airport bathrooms." –Craig Ferguson

"Michael Steele. Doesn't he sound like he would be a dancer at a bondage theme nightclub?" –Jay Leno

"Well, according to 'Newsweek,' the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

"First Lady Michelle Obama attended the Kids' Choice Awards over the weekend. See, I don't think the President had ever seen that show. Like, when she got home, the President asked Michelle how it went. She said there was a lot of slime. And President Obama said, 'Fox News was there?'" –Jay Leno

"Pamela Anderson on 'Dancing with the Stars'. You know who else is on 'Dancing with the Stars'? Former astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Pam Anderson and Buzz Aldrin. Honest to God, it looks like a Republican ticket." –David Letterman

"In the same interview, President Obama said that his family has decided not to join any one, single church, because he causes too much of a disruption at services. At the last service, the priest was like, 'In the name of the Father, the Son and holy cow, the President!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don't know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." –Jay Leno

"Pretty quick trip. In fact, it happened so fast, Joe Biden didn't even have a chance to say something stupid about it." –Jay Leno

"And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba." –Jay Leno

David Letterman's Top Ten Republican National Committee Excuses
10. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
9. 'Thought 'SM' door was Sen. McCain's office'
8. 'It wasn't a sex club, just a regular club where grown men tickle each other'
7. 'Scott Brown raved about the place'
6. 'The Sheraton's meeting rooms were already booked'
5. 'I'm sorry, Ricky Martin is gay?'
4. 'Abraham Lincoln routinely spent $2,000 a night in sex clubs'
3. 'We're fat, dumb, rich guys, nuff said?'
2. 'If we can't spend donor money at a sex club, the terrorists have won'
1. 'Research for pending legislation 'No Stripper Left Behind''