April 30

"An oil slick the size of Rhode Island is making its way across the Gulf of Mexico. An oil slick the size of Rhode Island — isn't that called New Jersey?" –Jay Leno

"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points' and it's about big decisions in his life. I've already made a decision not to read it." –David Letterman

"Bush is working very hard on the book, making revisions. In fact, his computer screen is covered with White-Out." –David Letterman

"They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" –David Letterman

"How many people are here just because you're hiding from the Arizona police?" –David Letterman

"The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its bronze medal in the women's team gymnastics event from the 2000 Olympics because they fielded an underage athlete. Ten years later, when she still hadn't finished high school, they figured it out." –Jimmy Kimmel

"During a Goldman Sachs hearing yesterday, Sen. Carl Levin used the S-word 11 times on live television when quoting an e-mail. Which begs the question — if a guy swears on C-SPAN and there's no one watching to hear it, does he really make a sound?" –Jimmy Fallon

"The famous scientist Stephen Hawking says in a new documentary not only does he believe aliens exist, he believes we should not make contact with aliens because they could be very angry beings, especially aliens from Arizona." –Jay Leno

"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." –Jay Leno

"I called the governor's office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English." –Jay Leno

"And the cover story of this week's Newsweek magazine is about Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and how President Obama sends her out to crack down on misbehaving world leaders. Gee, I wonder where she learned to do that?" –Jay Leno

"President Obama is now considering giving approval for the development of a hyper-supersonic missile that can reach anywhere in the world in an hour. It's a joint venture between the U.S. military and Domino's Pizza." –Jay Leno

"Well, it was an announced today that President Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book will be called 'Decision Points.' It will be centered on 14 decisions President Bush made during his presidency. See, this should silence the critics who claim Dick Cheney made all of the decisions. This book will prove Bush made at least 14 of them." –Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain supported Arizona's new immigration bill. John McCain, also an immigrant. He came over on the Mayflower." –David Letterman

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out." –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now." –Jay Leno

"It's an unbelievable law. And it's already starting to backfire. Today, a group of Native Americans pulled over a bunch of white guys and said, 'Let's see your papers.'" –Jay Leno

"The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones." –Jay Leno

"During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country." –Jay Leno

"One SEC employee spent up to eight hours a day looking at porn. And the worst part is, he billed them for 10 hours." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush is working on his memoirs. I'm excited just to hear him pronounce the word 'memoirs.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Arizona's Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed." –Bill Maher, on Arizona's immigration bill.

"What is it with radical Muslims and cartoons? They watch more cartoons than pot-heads." –Bill Maher, on the group threatening the "South Park" creators

"The problem with the Tea Party movement, besides their almost universal rejection of dentistry, is that they want money for nothing and chicks for free. They want a deregulated free market and their jobs to stay here in the US; they want guaranteed health coverage regardless of preexisting conditions without a big government mandate; they want to call themselves teabaggers and people to keep a straight face. And of course they want big tax cuts along with deficit reduction. I can't even think of a suitable analogy for that disconnect – it's like thinking getting a handjob will clean your garage." –Bill Maher

"Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Priuses." –Jay Leno

"The movie 'Avatar' is out on DVD today. James Cameron wanted it to be released on Earth Day because nothing says 'save the planet' like millions of plastic DVD cases." –Craig Ferguson

"It's the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you'll look as bad as Uranus." –Craig Ferguson