Friday April 23

"The German airline Lufthansa said it plans to resume some flights. Apparently there are so many Germans in France right now that the French government surrendered." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I am so stupid. I made a huge mistake. I sent my taxes to Russia and my adopted kid to the IRS." –Jay Leno

"The volcanic ash from Iceland disrupted air travel all over Europe. Everything's grounded. Commercial flights. Private jets. The only thing still flying — Toyotas." –Jay Leno

"Well, folks, a big setback for NASA. President Obama cutting the space program of sending men to the moon. Although he can point to one big achievement during his time in office. We did put an astronaut on 'Dancing with the Stars.'" –Jay Leno

"Hey, here's an amazing fact. Sarah Palin made $12 million last year. In fact, Sarah Palin had such a good year, she was actually able to quit her part-time job as governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"According to sources at the Pentagon, al Qaeda is nearing financial ruin. But ironically, their top people still got their million-dollar bonuses." –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is broke. How ironic is that? Al Qaeda would run out of moolah. Isn't that unbelievable?" –Jay Leno

"Well, just four days after Goldman Sachs cost investors $12 billion by failing to tell them that they're being investigated for fraud, they gave out another $5.4 billion in bonuses. Huh? Even Somali pirates are going, 'Come on!'" –Jay Leno

"Larry King has filed for divorce. The rumor going around is that Larry's wife left him for a younger man, John McCain." –Jay Leno

"I am aware that the only reason you people are here tonight is volcanic ash. Thank God I still have my swine flu mask." –David Letterman

"The big volcanic cloud from Iceland is making its way over to New York City. They say that the city's air quality is actually improving." –David Letterman

"Larry King getting another divorce. Had an affair with his sister-in-law but in his defense — there is always another side to the story — in his defense, at his age, you know, it's hard to remember which sister he's married to." –David Letterman

"Airports from London to Warsaw are on their sixth day of shutdown. The airports are closed because a volcano is erupting. Smoke and ash are spreading over Europe. The smoke cloud is big and thick. Meteorologists originally thought it was coming from Willie Nelson's tour bus." –Craig Ferguson

"The volcano is erupting underneath a glacier, meaning everything kicks up through a hole in the ice. Some scientists are calling it an 'ice-hole,' but other scientists are saying the problem is pre-existing ash, therefore it's more of an 'ash-hole.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Federal taxes last year when down for 98 percent of people, but when asked about this, only 12 percent of the Teabaggers thought this was the case. 88 percent of them had it wrong. And a spokesman for the Teabaggers said, 'We don’t want to just be taxed less. We want to be taxed less by a white guy." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin got an iPad and she was complaining that it's not really that absorbent." –Bill Maher

"These people wake up angry. Glenn Beck today is furious about the volcanic ash cloud from Iceland. He knows it's Obama's fault, he just can't figure out how." –Bill Maher

There's a new poll that says that Pope Benedict's approval rating has dropped to 35 percent. But he has a plan to turn it around. He's going to make a Nike commercial where he just stands there and takes shit from Tiger Woods' dad." –Bill Maher

“In a statement released this week, Pope Benedict said that he has forgiven the Beatles for John Lennon's claim that they were bigger than Jesus and for their Rock & Roll excesses – in the clearest sign yet that the Vatican is working from the bottom of the complaint box." –Seth Meyers

"A town in Tennessee elected a dead man as its mayor. Finally, a politician who won't cheat on his wife." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama released his tax return today. He didn't owe a lot in taxes. He has a lot of dependents. He's got his wife, two daughters, A.I.G., General Motors, Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

"Hey, you probably heard about this on the news. Now being reported that the terrorist organization Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. To give you an idea what bad shape they're in, today I saw a terrorist buying a shoe bomb at Payless." –Jay Leno

"A giant cloud of ash from a volcano in Iceland has stopped air traffic all across Europe. The airlines are jumping all over this. They're now charging passengers a $400 volcanic ash cloud fee." –Jay Leno

"Researchers found that you are more likely get germs from money than any other object. … Really? Then how come poor people aren't healthier?" –Jay Leno

"Well, the government said today Somali pirates being held in U.S. custody will be brought to the United States for prosecution, and they will be tried by a jury of their peers. So I'm guessing that's what, Goldman Sachs?" –Jay Leno

"A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They'd like to, but there's no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street." –Jay Leno

"This is rather disturbing. A government panel made up of all retired military personnel says that the school lunches are a threat to our national security because they make our kids too fat to serve the country. It's unbelievable. Remember the old days, when the Army wanted the best and the brightest? Now they're stuck with the biggest and the widest." –Jay Leno

"And unemployment here in California, over 12 percent now. Give you an idea how bad it is, you know the best way to make money in California now? Marrying and divorcing Larry King." –Jay Leno

"Is anyone here stranded because of the volcano? Well, that's what you get for traveling during volcano season." –David Letterman

"Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage." –David Letterman

"Today the U.S. Treasury released its new $100 bill. It's the most high-tech piece of currency the world has ever seen — until Apple comes out with the '$100 bill Nano.'" –Craig Ferguson

'Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.' –Jon Stewart

"Look I'm sorry I told you to go f**k yourself last week (and that other time, like, six months ago.) I know that I criticize you and Fox News a lot, but only because you're truly a terrible, cynical, disingenuous news organization." –Jon Stewart

"Fox News: You are the lupus of news." –Jon Stewart

"According to a top Iranian cleric, earthquakes and volcanoes are caused by women wearing immodest clothing. Or as most guys would call it: a fair trade-off." –Jay Leno

"Toyota is recalling 600,000 minivans because the spare tire holder can break and the spare tire can go flying down the highway. It's bad enough Toyota cars can run you off the road — now the parts are chasing you down the street." –Jay Leno

"Because of the volcano in Iceland, thousands of travelers are stranded with no place to sleep, eat, or shower. This is the kind of thing that can really take the fun out of air travel." –David Letterman

Video of the week:
John Stewart on Fox’s comparing UN summit logo with muslim flags