May 14

"Hey, the government announced today they're making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working. So now they're going to start cracking down." –Jay Leno

"It's interesting: U.S. investigators are trying to understand how the Times Square bomber took numerous trips back and forth to Pakistan even though the guy's name was on the no-fly list. Know what I think happened? I think the government confused the no-fly list with the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' list." –Jay Leno

"Well, in China, the one child limit may be on its way out because Chinese experts say there aren't enough babies in the country anymore. To give you an idea how bad it's getting, some factories over there are now being forced to hire adults." –Jay Leno

"The State Department now has warned against travel to the tribal regions of Pakistan. There goes my summer vacation." –David Letterman


"Why is it that whenever something happens to the people that should've seen it coming didn't see coming, it's blamed on one of these rare, once in a century, perfect storms that for some reason take place every f--king two weeks. I'm beginning to think these are not perfect storms. I'm beginning to think these are regular storms and we have a sh**ty boat." –Jon Stewart, on the stock market crash

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." –David Letterman

"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The crisis in Greece is being blamed on overspending, but the government claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to Greek President Barack Obama-opolous." –Jay Leno

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, 'No, we have nothing to do with him.' … The Taliban said, 'The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we'll hire BP.'" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

"This guy had some sort of training over there in Pakistan, You get the feeling when they showed him how to make the car bomb he said great, now how do I get the SUV on the plane." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If President Obama is going to keep saying, 'We will not be terrorized,' he has to show he means it by letting us take our gels and liquids back on the plane. Hey, we're Americans, of course we're terrified—being afraid is what we do best. The stars and stripes should be replaced by Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, running for their lives." –Bill Maher

"One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn't have to approve it? If I try to pay with a 50 at Starbucks, it turns into a four man operation." -Amy Poehler, on the dramatic dropping of the Dow, SNL's "Weekened Update'

"Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions." –Jay Leno

"Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you about 'The Late Show.' It's like a car bomb and an oil spill all in one." –David Letterman

"But these British Petroleum executives are trying to spin this a little bit. I heard one guy say today that it's a good thing, actually, because now when you open a clam, the hinge doesn't squeak." –David Letterman

"Google's new Android phone is outselling Apple's iPhone. I don't know what an Android can do, besides dance the robot or become the governor of California." –Craig Ferguson

"Good news from the world of publishing. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, has a new book coming out this fall. The warning came from an alert T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman

"BP, Transocean and Halliburton are blaming each other for the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. They are all right." –Jay Leno

"These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don't they?" –Jay Leno

"BP is going to try to stop the leak by pushing garbage into it. Oh, yeah, they haven't screwed up the gulf enough, let's fill it with garbage, too." –Jay Leno

"Well, the latest plan was to cover the leak with another concrete dome, a smaller one called a top hat. Who came up with this idea, Mr. Moneybags, from the Monopoly game? What's next, the giant thimble?" –Jay Leno

"Well, the Senate today voted to toughen standards for home loans. Under these new standards, lenders would have to verify that borrowers can repay the loan. Let's just hope China doesn't adopt this." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has a new book coming out called 'America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag.' Coincidentally, Faith and Flag are the names Palin picked out if she ever has twins." –Jimmy Fallon

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, 'Sure he had all these things, but here's what he didn't have — bottled water or nail clippers.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Prison inmates in Louisiana are now pitching in to clean up the Gulf Coast oil spill. At this point, the solutions have been dump chemicals in the ocean, shoot a bunch of garbage under water and release prisoners. If none of that works, they're going to have Al Qaeda come take a look at it." –Jimmy Fallon

Videos of the week (and this one is a classic!)
Lewis Black ranting on Glenn Beck’s outrage over Nazi comparison of Arizona Immigration Law