May 21

"We're still dropping things on it. This is like if your toilet over-flowed and you tried to fix it by smashing it with a brick. Their next idea is to get the old lady from Titanic and she's going to throw her jewelry at it." –Bill Maher, on the Gulf oil spill

"This has not been a good day if you're a BP stockholder with playoff tickets for game seven with the Cavaliers." –Jay Leno

"Phoenix, Ariz. is getting its first-ever Hispanic bishop. He will be appointed July 19, and then deported July 20." –Jay Leno

"NBC canceled 'Law & Order' after 20 seasons. It's too bad, but they had to make room for the new Jay Leno show, 'Jaw & Order.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin and President Bush have new books coming out this fall. You know what that means? This could plunge America into a huge crayon shortage." –Jay Leno

"Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico." –Jay Leno

“For the first time ever, an Arab-American woman has been named Miss U.S.A. Her name is Rima Fakih from Dearborn, Mich. She says she hopes winning this title will finally help get her name off the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"Detroit Mayor Dave Bing has begun to make the city more livable by demolishing 10,000 vacant homes. This will break the record for destroying homes, currently held by Countrywide Mortgage." –Jay Leno

"Arizona may lose its hockey team. Apparently, here's what happened. Authorities became suspicious that some of the players were Canadian." –David Letterman

"Well, at a rally in Arizona this weekend, Sarah Palin said, 'We're all Arizonans now' — at which point, every immigrant in Arizona was like, 'So, we can stay?'" – Jimmy Fallon

"In a new interview, BP's CEO said that the Gulf Coast oil spill is relatively tiny compared to the 'very big ocean.' That's like telling someone who's just been shot not to worry about the bullet because they're really, really fat." –Jimmy Fallon

"A woman in Texas was arrested for shooting at a census worker who wouldn’t leave her property. The census worker was pretty committed to her job, though. Even as she was being fired at, she was like, 'Is that your only firearm? Do you share it with a loved one, a spouse, or a common-law partner?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Desmond Tutu is from South Africa, which I think is a fantastic name for a country, because it tells you exactly where it is." –Craig Ferguson

"The Pulitzer Prize for fiction was handed out today, given to Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal for his Vietnam War memoir." –Jay Leno

"Well, that's the big story in Connecticut. Their attorney general, Richard Blumenthal, who was considered a shoo-in for his race for the U.S. Senate, is now under fire for claiming that he served in Vietnam when he really didn't. Turns out he has no war record at all. In fact, only combat experience? Shooting himself in the foot." –Jay Leno

"Well, the truth is he got five deferments, like Dick Cheney. Then he used connections to get into a special reserve unit, like George Bush. And he would have been fine, if he hadn't lied like John Edwards." –Jay Leno

"Some good news today for Blumenthal. Because of all the trouble he's in for lying, he was offered a job as spokesman for British Petroleum." –Jay Leno

"I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!" –Jay Leno

"BP has inserted a siphon tube into the well to suck up all the oil from the spill. And they've had a lot of experience in this area, by the way. This is the same tube they've been using to suck the money out of our wallets for the past 50 years." –Jay Leno

"Thousands of bees swarmed the White House on Sunday morning. And President Obama doesn't miss a trick. He is smart. Because all these bees were worker bees, he's now counted them as 10,000 new jobs he's created." –Jay Leno

"And in welcoming Mexico's president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, 'We are not defined by our borders.' The president of Mexico said, 'What borders?'" –Jay Leno

"John McCain of Arizona is facing a tough re-election campaign. The key issue is illegal immigration. I don't want to say McCain is old, but in his first election, the illegal immigrants were white people, O.K." –Jay Leno

"Eliot Spitzer may get his own show on CNN. It would be quite a switch for somebody else to be paying him for an hour." –David Letterman

"You know Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber, he appeared in court yesterday, his first court appearance here in New York. He was escorted into court by two federal T-shirt vendors." –David Letterman

"In Louisiana, BP claims that it's making progress with the leaking oil in the Gulf. They're working on a plan to heat the Gulf up to 600 degrees and use it to fry chicken." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, there's now concern that the oil in the Gulf could go to the Florida Keys and up the East Coast, which could be really dangerous. Scientists say the cast of 'The Jersey Shore' can only absorb so much oil. They can't get any slimier." –Jay Leno

"And tar is washing up onto the beaches — big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin our summer at the beach?' No, of course not. You take the big blobs of tar and you use them to hold down your blanket." –David Letterman

"A congressman from my home state of Indiana, Mark Souder, has been forced to resign because he was in a sex scandal. Finally, I'm no longer Indiana's biggest embarrassment." –David Letterman

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways BP Can Improve Its Image"
10. Change 'BP' from 'British Petroleum' to 'Bunnies and Puppies'
9. Scrap the snotty British accents
8. Cry on 'Oprah'
7. Take a page from AFLAC. New mascot: wise-cranking oil-soaked duck
6. Find bin Laden
5. Start making cookies. Who doesn't love cookies?
4. What's wrong with our image?
3. Switch from 'Drill Baby Drill' to 'Help Daddy Help'
2. Instead of their image, maybe they can focus on fixing the damn leak!
1. For goodness sakes, get Iron Man to do something!