May 28

"Hey, today is National Tap Dancing Day. Yes, this is the day we honor BP executives trying to explain the gulf oil disaster." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has now weighed in on the gulf oil spill. Finally, the voice of reason." –Jay Leno

"She said that President Obama should grasp the complexity of the situation. Sarah Palin giving advice on complexity. What, was Snooki from 'Jersey Shore' unavailable?" –Jay Leno

"Oh man, and the stock market. Another bad day. The market is so bad, BP had to lay off 15 senators." –Jay Leno

"In Idaho, Republican Congressional candidate Vaughn Ward is in trouble after he was caught plagiarizing a famous speech by Barack Obama. When they asked this guy if he thought he could get away with this, you know what he said? 'Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!'" –Jay Leno

"And over the weekend, at the Shanghai World Expo, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton passed out teddy bears to Chinese children. The kids politely accepted the bears even though, you know, they made them." –Jay Leno

"The White House is backing a new plan to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' They want to relax the harsh standard and implement their new policy, 'Just Try To Not Make It Super Obvious.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away." –David Letterman

"John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War." –David Letterman

"How to describe Rand Paul? I mean, he's a doctor. It's as if Sarah Palin somehow made it through medical school." –Bill Maher, on Kentucky Senate candidate and Tea Party hero Rand Paul

"Good news in the oil situation. BP said they found a way to start breaking up their oil slick. The bad news is it involves a toxic chemical called Corexit 9527A. Apparently this is moving us further from a solution and closer to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." –Bill Maher

"Sunday, listen to this, they’re going to try something new. They're going to try what they call a 'top kill.' That's where they shove a fluid that looks a lot like mud down into the well. I hope this works because the next idea involves Bruce Willis and an asteroid." –Bill Maher

"BP is saying that the oil leak is bigger than they estimated. In a related story, the executives at BP are far bigger idiots than we estimated." –Jay Leno

"A very embarrassing moment for Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal, who was running for the Senate. He's the guy who lied about his war record. He was overheard telling his wife, 'After the campaign, let's take a vacation and go somewhere I've never been.' She said, 'How about Vietnam?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama's big financial reform bill passed. From now on, bankers will be required to dress like robbers." –Jimmy Kimmel

"They put a cap on ATM transaction fees, though a lot of the senators didn't want to discuss it because they've never used an ATM. The Senate has mobile cash machines — they're called 'lobbyists.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Octomom Nadya Suleman has a PETA sign in her front yard that encourages people to have their pets spayed or neutered. Isn't that kind of like BP putting out a sign that says 'Don't pee in the pool?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they're both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

"You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here's what he is charged with — domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway." –David Letterman

"You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans." –David Letterman

"Earlier today, British Petroleum began this operation known as 'top kill,' which comes on the heels of their previous operations, 'fish kill' and 'bird kill.'" –Jay Leno

"According to a White House report, President Obama becoming more and more frustrated by this whole oil leak thing. He lost his temper today. He reportedly yelled at people, 'Plug the damn hole!' That's the same thing he says whenever Joe Biden starts talking." –Jay Leno

"Last night was the finale of 'Dancing With the Stars' and Kate Gosselin made an appearance. I don't want to say it was bad, but this morning, the Pakistani Taliban took credit for it." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At The White House State Dinner"
10. 'May we see your papers, President Calderon?'
9. 'What happened to the dumb guy who used to live here?'
8. 'May we see your papers, President Obama?'
7. 'The pinata is filled with worthless Euros'
6. 'Three whiskey sours and Chuck Schumer takes off his pants'
5. 'Sir, the Republicans are attempting to block the appetizers'
4. 'Lincoln's ghost! Run!'
3. 'Salahi? No, you're not on the list, but how about a lovely bottle of wine'
2. 'Hurry, it's Close-Up Magic Week on the 'Late Show''
1. 'Yes, Mr. Vice President, it is a big F-ing deal'