June 25

[I will be taking a break from this blog for the summer, which is slow anyway for TV in general. See you in September]

"So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, 'We'll hire him.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the 'LOL.'" –Jay Leno

"Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job." –Jay Leno

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

"In 2011, China will end America's 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers found that most parents don't know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options." –Jimmy Fallon

"McChrystal's clearly been hitting that sweet Afghani heroin. Because you would have to be higher than Keith Richards to criticize your commander-in-chief at a time of war in front of a reporter from Rolling Stone." –Stephen Colbert on General Stanley McChrystal

"Remember the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad? He was in court today. And here is where the guy screwed up. He didn't count on our army of alert T-shirt vendors. And I was thinking, well, it's too bad we didn't have them in the Gulf of Mexico." –David Letterman

"Faisal now faces a couple of charges, including attempted terrorism and conspiracy to double park." –David Letterman

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?" –Jay Leno

"It's rumored that President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Tony Hayward Can Improve His Image"
10. Catch Osama
9. Contaminate waters around a country like North Korea
8. Reveal secret behind his soft and lustrous curly hair
7. Apologize on The Golf Channel
6. Shoot new BP commercial where he is viciously pecked by angry pelicans
5. Join Team Coco
4. Get a job at Poland Spring; accidentally dump a billion gallons of water into the gulf
3. Improve his image, are you kidding? He's doing great!
2. Hang out at BP station, let customers inflate his butt with air hose
1. Dial it back from "arrogant bastard" to "smug pr**k"

June 18

"[T]oday, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." –David Letterman

"A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, 'Look, I don't pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They're separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012." –Jay Leno

"Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in the gulf region again today, having lunch at a local seafood restaurant. Horrible timing. A clam coughed up a tarball." –David Letterman

"While he was in Mississippi yesterday, President Obama ate mini crab cakes, fried shrimp and shrimp salad sandwiches to show Americans that seafood from the Gulf Coast is safe to eat. And if you don't believe Obama ate all that stuff, just ask our new president, Joe Biden. He'll tell you." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems the United States has found over $1 trillion of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. And here's the great part. The country comes pre-invaded. We don't have to invade again." –Jay Leno

"And besides the deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold, they found the largest deposit of lithium ever discovered; most of it on land controlled by tribal communities. Wait a minute. Wasn't that the plot of 'Avatar'?" –Jay Leno

"There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, 'Well see, it hasn't affected tourism.'" –David Letterman

"The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I'll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing." –David Letterman

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

"The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore." –Bill Maher

"Here in California, Meg Whitman is going to the governor nominee from the Republican side. She's the former CEO of eBay. She said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to BP, the Gulf now has two new islands: self-service and full." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden's looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, 'foosball re-enactments.'" –Jimmy Fallon

June 11

"BP is now saying they've captured anywhere from 35 percent to 75 percent of the oil that is gushing out of the well. Of course, you've got to keep in mind they usually lie anywhere from 85 percent to 95 percent of the time." –Jay Leno

"Women won big in California, Arkansas, Nevada and South Carolina. These are exciting times. I can remember when only rich white men could buy elections. Now women can buy them, too." –Jay Leno

"Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet." –Jay Leno

"It was on this day in 1934 the first Donald Duck cartoon premiered. He's 76 years old. You'd think if America loved a 76-year-old guy with a hot temper so much, we would have elected John McCain." –Craig Ferguson

"A few days ago, Vice President Biden and Rahm Emanuel had a water gun fight during a party at Biden's house. Meanwhile, Sasha and Malia spent the last few days trying to solve the BP oil crisis." –Jimmy Fallon

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is now saying that President Obama needs to make sure that these oil companies act ethically and responsibly. This from a woman who shoots wolves from a helicopter." –David Letterman

"Al Gore and his wife are getting divorced. After 40 years of marriage, it's kind of sad. Apparently what happened was, I guess, she walked in, caught him boring another woman." –Jay Leno

"There are signs the divorce is starting to get ugly. In fact, today, Tipper stopped recycling and bought a Humvee." –Jay Leno

"The only commercial airline in Iraq, Iraqi Airways, folded this week. The CEO of Iraqi Airlines said the company could not survive in a market where everybody in the country is on the no-fly list." –Jay Leno

"You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn't that amazing. It proves that there's absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can't bridge." –David Letterman

"In 2005, Hurricane Katrina wreaked havoc on the Gulf of Mexico. In 2010, the gulf was devastated by the largest offshore oil spill in U.S. history, but the fun is just beginning. The governors of the Gulf Coast states are pleased to announce they are now accepting bids for the next disaster to hit the region in 2015. Will it be a volcanic eruption, an earthquake, an avalanche, killer bees, a meteor, piranhas, zombies or high-frequency sound waves?" –David Letterman

"A great day for President Obama. He addressed a group of senior citizens in Maryland today. He's pitching his health care bill. According to a poll, half the seniors thought the president was convincing, 30 percent thought he was unconvincing, and the rest thought he was Will Smith." –Craig Ferguson

"The BP oil spill turned 50 days old today. If you get it a cake, don’t light the candles." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The spill has lasted longer, cost more, and destroyed more wildlife than Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Kimmel

"How about this BP — this BP CEO, what's his name? Tony Haywire? This guy, oh, man. Making Wile E. Coyote look like a genius, isn't he?" –Jay Leno

"BP officials are now saying the campaign to clean it up could last until fall. That's why they call it a campaign. You know why it's called a campaign? Because it's like an election. It's dirty, it's slimy, it never seems to end." –Jay Leno

"ABC just announced who's going to be the next contestant on 'The Bachelor.' Surprisingly, Al Gore." –Jay Leno

"Were you sad to learn that Al Gore and his wife, Tipper — I was. I was a little sad about that. Yeah, according to the report, the two are 'separating amicably after a long process of careful consideration.' You know, even his divorce is boring." –Jay Leno

"Would you have ever guessed that Bill and Hillary would turn out to be Washington's happiest married couple?" –Jay Leno

"The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami." –David Letterman

"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama." –Craig Ferguson

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding"
10. "Is this my fourth of fifth wedding?"
9. "Mrs. Palin, please, enough with the celebratory gunfire"
8. "Do you take this woman to be your future ex-wife?"
7. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Bill O'Reilly"
6. "They have a tent in case it rains. No wait, those are Rush's pants"
5. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Sean Hannity"
4. "I missed the bridal bouquet, but I hope to catch the prenup"
3. "Oh crap. I'm sitting next to Ann Coulter"
2. "It's ironic that a guy named 'Rush' takes 20 minutes to walk down the aisle"
1. "Did he just eat the whole cake?"

“After 40 years, Al and Tipper Gore have split up. Nobody knows why, but there is a rumor today that Al came home early last week and found another man's carbon footprints." –Bill Maher

"They could tell he was lonely as of late because when he'd hug a tree, he'd linger." –Bill Maher, on Al Gore

"A very romantic moment at the White House yesterday. Did you see Paul McCartney? He sang Michelle to Michelle Obama. That went over great. But then his other choice of songs, in light of what's going on with the President, he sang, 'Fixing a Hole,' 'Octopus' Garden, ''Yellow Submarine.'" –Bill Maher

"BP was kind of bragging about it today … the top hat. Oh yeah, they put a top hat on it, was collecting about 6% of the oil. Yes, they found a solution that stops as much oil as the margin of error. It lets 94% of the oil through. It was built by the same people who built the Mexican border fence." –Bill Maher

June 4

"The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell." –Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama flew to Louisiana to see the gulf cleanup effort firsthand. And it was just like President Bush's trip to Louisiana, except Obama actually landed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Obama called the Gulf Coast oil spill 'an assault on our shores.' And then he said the same thing about fat dudes in Speedos." –Jimmy Fallon

"This is a crazy story. An American adventurist strapped himself to a bunch of helium balloons and floated from England to France. Immediately afterward, people in Mexico asked, 'Exactly how many balloons?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study found that the average person has lost an hour of sleep at night during the recession. Luckily, most of them can just sleep in late the next day." –Jimmy Fallon

"The president finally arrived on the Gulf Coast today to survey the damage. I thought this was telling, while he was there, FEMA arrived for Katrina. ... And George Bush saw him on TV. He called him up and said, 'You're doing a heck of a job, Brownie.'" –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin weighed in on her Facebook page. She demanded that Obama 'plug the damn hole.' You first, Sarah." –Bill Maher