June 18

"[T]oday, the president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." –David Letterman

"A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more popular than President Obama. Hillary was like, 'Look, I don't pay attention to the silly polls like that — what were the numbers exactly?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's right, Hillary is more popular than Barack. They're separated by about 10 points, or roughly one billion gallons of crude oil." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama told the residents of the Florida coastal area that he is with them for the long haul, or at least until 2012." –Jay Leno

"Well, today, President Obama met with that Tony Hayward guy and a couple of other BP executives. The meeting only lasted about 20 minutes, or, in BP terms, 10,000 barrels of oil." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in the gulf region again today, having lunch at a local seafood restaurant. Horrible timing. A clam coughed up a tarball." –David Letterman

"While he was in Mississippi yesterday, President Obama ate mini crab cakes, fried shrimp and shrimp salad sandwiches to show Americans that seafood from the Gulf Coast is safe to eat. And if you don't believe Obama ate all that stuff, just ask our new president, Joe Biden. He'll tell you." –Jimmy Fallon

"You know something, if the oil industry could suck up oil the way they suck up to Congress, the gulf would have been cleaned up a month ago." –Jay Leno

"Well, it seems the United States has found over $1 trillion of untapped mineral deposits in Afghanistan. And here's the great part. The country comes pre-invaded. We don't have to invade again." –Jay Leno

"And besides the deposits of iron, copper, cobalt and gold, they found the largest deposit of lithium ever discovered; most of it on land controlled by tribal communities. Wait a minute. Wasn't that the plot of 'Avatar'?" –Jay Leno

"There's some good economic news here. Employers plan to hire 5 percent more college graduates this year than in 2009. Unfortunately, almost all these jobs involve rubber gloves, paper towels, and a one-way ticket to the Gulf of Mexico." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, 'Well see, it hasn't affected tourism.'" –David Letterman

"The Backstreet Boys are boycotting BP. I think I'll wait and see what the New Kids on the Block are doing." –David Letterman

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

"The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore." –Bill Maher

"Here in California, Meg Whitman is going to the governor nominee from the Republican side. She's the former CEO of eBay. She said her eBay experience helped her convince voters to buy a load of crap that they don’t really want." –Bill Maher

"Thanks to BP, the Gulf now has two new islands: self-service and full." –David Letterman

"Vice President Joe Biden is actually in South Africa for the World Cup. Biden's looking forward to all the matches — or as he calls them, 'foosball re-enactments.'" –Jimmy Fallon