June 25

[I will be taking a break from this blog for the summer, which is slow anyway for TV in general. See you in September]

"So, the bad news for McChrystal is he got fired for insulting the President. But the good news is, Fox said, 'We'll hire him.'" –Jay Leno

"Actually, McChrystal now saying it was all a misunderstanding. He said he did make the comments in Rolling Stone but they forgot to add the 'LOL.'" –Jay Leno

"Due to an explosive interview in Rolling Stone magazine, our top commander in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal, has been ordered home to explain why he criticized the president, made fun of Joe Biden, and called the White House staff a bunch of clowns. He should be called home. That's not the general's job. That is my job." –Jay Leno

"Well, folks, Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually wear off." –Jay Leno

"Larry King's oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

"In 2011, China will end America's 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

"Researchers found that most parents don't know if their preschool-aged child is overweight or obese. I think the real news here is that those are the only two options." –Jimmy Fallon

"McChrystal's clearly been hitting that sweet Afghani heroin. Because you would have to be higher than Keith Richards to criticize your commander-in-chief at a time of war in front of a reporter from Rolling Stone." –Stephen Colbert on General Stanley McChrystal

"Remember the Times Square bomber, Faisal Shahzad? He was in court today. And here is where the guy screwed up. He didn't count on our army of alert T-shirt vendors. And I was thinking, well, it's too bad we didn't have them in the Gulf of Mexico." –David Letterman

"Faisal now faces a couple of charges, including attempted terrorism and conspiracy to double park." –David Letterman

"Because of the success of 'Toy Story 3,' Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It's BP presents 'Try Finding Nemo Now.'" –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin has revealed she has tried marijuana, but she did not like it. You know, it's amazing: 200 million Americans have smoked marijuana. The only ones who don't like it seem to be elected officials. Ever notice that?" –Jay Leno

"It's rumored that President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, will leave the White House at the end of the year. He says the work is important to him, but he wants to spend more time screaming at his family." –Jimmy Fallon

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways Tony Hayward Can Improve His Image"
10. Catch Osama
9. Contaminate waters around a country like North Korea
8. Reveal secret behind his soft and lustrous curly hair
7. Apologize on The Golf Channel
6. Shoot new BP commercial where he is viciously pecked by angry pelicans
5. Join Team Coco
4. Get a job at Poland Spring; accidentally dump a billion gallons of water into the gulf
3. Improve his image, are you kidding? He's doing great!
2. Hang out at BP station, let customers inflate his butt with air hose
1. Dial it back from "arrogant bastard" to "smug pr**k"