September 24

"I saw that new movie 'Devil' or as Delaware Tea Party candidate CChristine O'Donnell calls it, 'Roots'" –Jay Leno

"Well, you know what's interesting, O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils. It was horrible." –Jay Leno

"The state of Delaware has nominated and they're going to probably elect a witch as Senator from Delaware. Listen to this. One day Delaware elects a witch. The next day the recession is over. I don't know. Is that a coincidence?" –David Letterman

"Bristol Palin made her debut on the Dancing with the Stars and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house." –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Obama's aide had to step in and pay more money after Obama only gave a fruit vendor a dollar for four apples. The aide said it was awkward having pay Obama's bill. Then China was like, 'Eh, you get used to it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"You know this Tea Party candidate, Christine O'Donnell is causing a lot of controversy with her kind of unorthodox views. She's come out against masturbation. You know what that means? She's out of touch with those voters who are in touch with themselves." –Jay Leno

"Let me tell you something, Sarah Palin better be careful. Because this Christine O'Donnell is younger, hotter, and crazier. That's the things guys are looking for in a trophy candidate. So, be very careful." –Jay Leno

"Folks, it seems that Al Qaeda's number two man has released yet another tape where he criticizes the entire Pakistan government, calls them incompetent and corrupt, and demands they be thrown out of office. So, it sounds like we have a Tea Party over there, too." –Jay Leno

"When the Pope met the Queen of England, they both said the same thing to each other: 'Nice hat.'" –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell looks a lot like Sarah Palin, and you know what that means, more work for Tina Fey." –David Letterman

"O'Donnell's past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily I have a way to stop this witch hunt. Miss O'Donnell just come on my show and do a simple test. Bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But if you float ..." –Stephen Colbert

"Her detracts say she's homeless, jobless, and can't pay her taxes. And her supporters say, 'Finally, someone who represents the average American." –Bill Maher

"In a new book, French first lady Carla Bruni reveals that Michelle Obama told her that she can't stand being the first lady. You know what else I bet she can't stand? Telling someone something in private and then seeing it in their new book." –Jimmy Fallon

"In Delaware, Christine O'Donnell won a huge upset in the primaries, but she has some problems. Karl Rove has accused her of lying. When the guy that told 300 million Americans there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq says you're lying, he knows what he's talking about." –Jay Leno

"I don't know a lot about Christine O'Donnell, but she has some interesting views. She has come out against masturbation. And you thought the war on drugs was unwinnable." –Jay Leno

"In her fight against childhood obesity, first lady Michelle Obama is urging communities to make fresh produce more available to young people, even in liquor stores. If your kid is hanging out at the liquor store, obesity is the least of your problems." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin made a high profile appearance at a Republican fundraising dinner in Iowa. She didn't actually say she's running for president. She just winked it in Morse code." –Jimmy Fallon
"The premiere of 'Hawaii Five-0' was a great episode. The cops were looking around and they accidentally stumbled upon Obama’s birth certificate." –David Letterman

"According to experts, the recession is over. Is it really over or is it just pulling a Leno?" –David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about Bob Woodward's new book, 'Obama's War.' In the book, he says Joe Biden called Middle East advisor Richard Holbrooke, 'the most egotistical bastard I've ever met.' Then Rahm Emanuel's like, 'What am I, invisible?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We will gather on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., a million-moderate march where we take to the streets to send a message to our leaders and our national media that says, 'We are here, We are only here until six though, because we have a sitter.'" —Jon Stewart

"Shame on you Jon Stewart. America cannot afford a rally to restore sanity in the middle of a recession. Did you even consider how many panic-related jobs that might cost us in the fear-industrial complex?" —Stephen Colbert, announcing the March to Keep Fear Alive

September 17

"President Obama insisted that the U.S. economy is still showing improvement. And he said you can take that to the bank, if you can find any that are still open." –Jay Leno

"There was no Koran burning on Saturday. Apparently that dopey pastor, Terry Jones, decided not to burn the Koran when he realized the only copy he had was on his Kindle." –Jay Leno

"There was a lot of talk about President Obama not wearing his wedding ring during his press conference on Friday. Boy, the guy spends a couple of hours with Tiger Woods and look what happens." –Jay Leno

“Florida Pastor Terry Jones originally planned to burn the Koran tomorrow, then yesterday he called it off because he believed he made a deal with an Imam to stop the plan to build a Mosque near Ground Zero. The Imam said that wasn’t true, he agreed to no such thing. Then Pastor Jones said he was lied to and the burning was back on. This guy is unbelievable. He’s like the Brett Favre of burning books.” –Jimmy Kimmel

"On his way to Asia, Gov. Schwarzenegger posted a picture of himself saying that he was flying over Alaska but couldn't see Russia anywhere. Not only is Schwarzenegger a fellow Republican, but Sarah Palin had a 'Conan the Barbarian' poster on the wall of her igloo." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you learned nothing from Fox? You pick your narrative and you stick with it -- and if the news doesn't fit your narrative, change your f**king news." –Jon Stewart, explaining journalism to MSNBC

"According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't there are needed to spend money we don't have to create jobs that don't exist." –Jay Leno

"This whole thing with Iran, it's amazing how different our cultures are. In Iran a woman can get stoned for committing adultery. See, here in America, women commit adultery while getting stoned." –Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, Levi Johnston now has lower approval ratings than John Edwards. Levy said he is disappointed with his low approval ratings and will do everything he can to knock them up." –Jimmy Fallon

"Merriam-Webster says that Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' was the most searched word of the summer. But no matter how hard they tried, Palin's supporters couldn't find the word in the Definitionary or the Wordasaurus." –Jimmy Fallon

"It was reported that President Obama wasn't wearing his wedding ring at a press conference. I guess that makes the press conference the second-most difficult speech he'll give this week." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama was in Cleveland pitching his latest economic plan. He picked Cleveland because those are the Browns fans, and in September, they'll believe anything." –Jay Leno

"There was one awkward moment when the speech ended at lunch time. 9.6 percent of the people had no job to go back to." –Jay Leno

"The new taxes are going to put rich people in a very tough spot. Paris Hilton may have to carry her own cocaine. Trump may have to fire the guy who trims that thing on his head. Warren Buffet may have to move in with his cousin Jimmy Buffet." –Craig Ferguson

"New FBI statistics say that crime in the United States fell 5 percent from last year. You see what happens when we put Lindsay Lohan in jail?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street." –Jimmy Kimmel

"In Delaware, former Republican governor Mike Castle was defeated by Sarah Palin favorite Christine O’Donnell. Nobody knows what this woman does for a living, if anything. All we do know is that she's gone on the record to oppose masturbation, for real. I have a feeling Christine O'Donnell opposes masturbation the same way Bristol Palin opposes pre-marital sex." –Jimmy Kimmel

“I'm not a political person. I keep to myself. I’m not one to get involved in these things. I’m not proud to say I'll stand by as our leaders drag us into wars based on false pretenses. I’ll stand by while our oceans are polluted by greedy corporations who only care about money. I'll stand by while our military blatantly discriminates against our own armed forced based on their sexual preferences. But I'll tell you something. When our right to masturbate is threatened, that's where I draw the line. What goes on between me in my own bedroom, and car sometimes, is my business, not the government's. So listen up, Christine O'Donnell -- and Rosie O'Donnell too while we're at it -- we need to send a message to Washington, people. This November, I want everyone who believes in basic human rights to touch themselves in the voting booth. I want to say this to Christine O'Donnell. I want you and your followers to know one thing: you’ll take away this penis when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands." –Jimmy Kimmel

Video of the week:
John Stewart on Media Islamophobia

September 9

"Hillary Clinton is denying rumors that she will replace Joe Biden as the Vice President in 2012. It's fun to have a Clinton denying stuff again." –David Letterman

"At the White House yesterday, President Obama told Israelis and Palestinians to reach a peace deal because they might not get another chance soon. That's not really a peace plan. That's how you get a 5-year-old to use the bathroom." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is now trying for peace in the Middle East using a two state solution. I believe the two states are denial and delusion." –Jay Leno

"The guy that tried to destroy David Letterman was let out of prison today. I was like, 'Really? Jay Leno was in prison?'" –Craig Ferguson

"U.S. commanders in Afghanistan are ending their zero-tolerance policy on corruption and allowing local officials who are on our side to be 'moderately' corrupt. It's the same policy we have in Congress." –Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer stopped speaking during an interview and stared blankly at the camera for 30 seconds. The good news is, she's now eligible to be governor of Alaska." –Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton opened the Middle East peace talks and said, "People with a history of conflict can learn to live together.' And believe me, she knows what she's talking about." –Jay Leno

"The first ads for medical marijuana have started airing on television in California. The ads are quite expensive. It costs a lot of money to buy 30 seconds during 'Spongebob Squarepants.'" –Craig Ferguson

Video of the week:
John Stewart on Koran burning

September 3

Ok, I am back again. Since most of the late night comedians are still on vacation, I will try and supplement with a few other sources for now. Check out the link to The Onion article. In case you don't know, The Onion is probably the best satirical magazine around.

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"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno

"President Obama was in New Orleans for the fifth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Halfway through his speech, FEMA finally showed up." –Jay Leno

"President Obama said he can't walk around with his birth certificate plastered on his forehead. Apparently he was reacting to new polls that show 1 in 5 Kenyans now believe he was born in Hawaii." –Jay Leno

"Congress is very upset with Roger Clemens because they feel like they were lied to. Good! Now they know how we feel." –Jay Leno

"President Obama is on vacation. This is his sixth vacation. He’ll have plenty of time for vacation when his one term is up." –David Letterman

"President Obama could not wait to get on vacation. As soon as the plane landed, he grabbed a couple beers and slid down the emergency slide." –David Letterman

"Last night in only his second Oval Office address, President Obama announced the end of Operational Iraqi Freedom. He said we have given the Iraqis a Western-style government. Well, we certainly have, haven't we? Their economy is in shambles, their Congress is corrupt, the country is broke, welcome aboard!" –Jay Leno
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Now the Onion article I was talking about:

The Onion