"You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care." –David Letterman
"The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra." –David Letterman
"Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"[The Democrats] are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher
"President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. " –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman
"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon
"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon
"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno
"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman
"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman
"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon
"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon
"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson
"Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'" –Craig Ferguson
"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon
"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Republicans announced their Pledge to America, and here's what it is: Less taxes, smaller government and act now and they'll throw in the Dean Martin roast of Frank Sinatra." –David Letterman
"Vice President Biden held a conference call with senior citizens to talk about health care. Seniors started the conference call confused about how health care works, and ended up more confused about how conference calls work. They're like, 'Wait, can you hear me? Saul you're talking to the VCR.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"[The Democrats] are giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. … Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher
"President Obama's approval rating dropped again. Things are so bad, Muslims are accusing him of being Christian. " –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman
"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon
"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon
"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno
"Bob Woodward has written a book which states that the White House agonized over the decision to leave Iraq. Too bad no one agonized over the decision to go into Iraq." –David Letterman
"In the book, they talk about bitter arguments, personality conflicts, and power struggles. And that's just with Obama's mother-in-law." –David Letterman
"On the 'Today' show, President Obama said he supports having a longer school year. In response, Sasha and Malia announced they support Sarah Palin." –Jimmy Fallon
"In an interview on MSNBC, Levi Johnston said he has no idea if additional troops will help the war in Afghanistan. Which of course begs the question, who the hell is asking Levi Johnston about strategy for Afghanistan." –Jimmy Fallon
"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon
"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson
"Christine O'Donnell doesn't believe in evolution. She asked why monkeys aren't still evolving into humans. I was like, 'It doesn't happen that fast.'" –Craig Ferguson
"During a trip next month, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he's planning to throw a rock at Israel. And today, Israel introduced its newest defense weapon: paper." –Jimmy Fallon
"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon & Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon
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