November 19

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King show. He's been on the 'Today Show' with Matt Lauer, he's been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

"Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she's underexposed." –David Letterman

"Well, some good news today from President Obama. You know how he's been trying for two years to shut down Guantanamo Bay. Well, they finally found a place to put the terrorists. They're going to stick them on the Carnival cruise. Just let them drift." –Jay Leno

"Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on." –Stephen Colbert

"George W. Bush has a new memoir out and he said in an interview that he thought that Sarah Palin was not qualified to be president. Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Honest to goodness." –David Letterman

"George Bush's memoir out. It's called 'Decision Points' It's also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff." –Bill Maher

"An article on 'Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush's new memoir 'Decision Points" were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss." –Seth Meyers

"Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of 'don't ask, don't tell.' McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, "Where am I and what the hell is going on." –Seth Meyers

"The major pilots unions are complaining about the use of full-body scanners and these pat-down techniques at the airport. Pilots say the searches make it almost impossible for them to smuggle in liquor." –Jay Leno

"Obama's overseas trip has been such a disaster that people in Kenya now claim that he has an American birth certificate." –Jay Leno

"Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction." –Jimmy Fallon

“The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. And by the way, I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence." –David Letterman

"A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn't kicked off of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Come on, John McCain, it's been two years. Get over it. " –Craig Ferguson

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien

"They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit." –Jimmy Fallon

"'The Unemployed American' is in the running for 'Time' magazine's 'Man of the Year.' That must be discouraging, to be on the cover of 'Time' and still no one will hire you." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, 'Who is that woman? She looks familiar.'" –Jay Leno

"It was bad enough when the TSA agents would go through your underwear in your luggage. Now they're going through your underwear while you're wearing it." –Jay Leno

"Now, to make it worse, the airlines are charging a $15 molestation fee." –Jay Leno

"Bristol Palin again got the lowest score in "Dancing with the Stars" and again she wasn't eliminated. She's invincible. She cannot be destroyed. She's like a no-fun version of Charlie Sheen. Imagine how many votes she would get if she could actually dance." -Jimmy Kimmel

“This will be a rough week for President Obama. He's got a lame duck Congress, he has to pardon a turkey, he has to eat crow, and the Chinese just flipped him the bird. It's been a fowl week." –Jay Leno