November 24

They broke ground at the George W. Bush Presidential Library out there in Dallas. I know you're snickering already. The guy never read a book in his life but he's got a library. How does that happen?" –David Letterman

"Bush opening a library, that's like Kirstie Alley opening a can of diet coke." –David Letterman

"Sarah Palin says she's going to run for President in 2012. 2012. Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Nice to know there will somebody equally unqualified." –David Letterman

"There's going to be problems when Donald Trump runs. They had a lot of problems with Obama, you wait until Donald Trump runs because the rumor is that thing on his head was not born in this country." –David Letterman

"TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." –David Letterman

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The TSA says they will allow pilots to pass through security more easily than before. I'd be happy if the pilots just went through the breathalyzer." –Jay Leno

"Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin." –Jay Leno

"Michelle Obama is expected to announce a plan to put 5,000 salad bars in public schools. They expect as many as three students to use them." –Jay leno

"The turkey that President Obama will pardon this year for Thanksgiving will come from California. The spokesman for the turkey said it doesn't need a pardon, it needs a job." –Conan O'Brien

“At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what’s the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.” –Jay Leno